Part 2: Many Tears and Self Doubts

Previous Post | Next Post (Please keep in mind that this post was written a full year ago before the time of publishing.) As I mentioned in the previous post, Lois had to leave when I was still taking pictures while having smeared hot sauce on my clit and vagina, but then came back online at about 12 o’clock at night, by which my sleeping Continue Reading →

Holding the Strings

Content warning: Depression, dissociation, self-harm, suicide I have a lot of discipline as a slave and a person. Rules are important for me in an M/s relationship because they set out the parameter. However, I don’t have to be disciplined much because I am very disciplined. I think it’s because I’ve had to be for different reasons and they are each building on one another. Continue Reading →

Chatting while put in pain

Previous Post | Next Post You’ve already read a post about how I got to deserving to call Lois my Mistress but I realised that I forgot a bit about that. In that post, I’ve shown you the reasons why this was important, what I had to do to deserve it and why it was a good thing for both of us. Part of that Continue Reading →

Kinky Fantasies to Help me Fall Asleep

For as long as I can remember I’ve been bad at sleeping. My parents quickly concluded it must be because my dad is a poor sleeper and that I inherited it from him, thanks dad, haha. So at first, when we still had these big massive radios I listened to Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter audiobooks. When I was around nine or ten Continue Reading →

“Fuck you” | For a fleeting moment, at peace at last

Previous Post | Next Post Content warning: bad mother-daughter relationship 21 March 2019 21:06 Mum sent me a message and I replied and she replied and then I just said, Fuck you. I don’t know if that’s a good thing but I just can’t.  22:09 I don’t think I’ve ever… said anything like this to her before. 22:10 I feel so helpless. 22:24 Lois: “I Continue Reading →

Yearning for Rules

We all think of our exes sometimes. Some have left a bigger impact than others but I believe the end of D/s and M/s dynamics generally leave a bigger, longer-lasting mark, even if they weren’t romantic. Sometimes I wonder how Lisa is doing and I think about what Lois might say to me. Now with all this time at home and nowhere to go I’m Continue Reading →

Old Ghosts Return

Content warning: dissociation, depression, suicidal thoughts. Before Covid-19 I walk into my Counsellor’s office and as we sit down we’re both smiling. There is a small, awkward silence; we never seem to know how to start these sessions so he asks me how I’m feeling. The answer to this question has mostly been the same for the past year. I don’t know; I’m not feeling Continue Reading →

Deserving to call her Mistress

Previous Post | Next Post As you know, I’ve always referred to Lois as Miss Lois because that’s what she told me to address her as – that is, for the first half of my training. At some point, this changed and I was allowed to address her as Mistress Lois. The title was something she thought should be earned and eventually I did. Let’s Continue Reading →

Sweaty hair sticks to my face and I feel alive

I have been exercising on a weekly basis without a break except for summer holidays since I was around five years old. My parents thought it was important for me and my sister to exercise so we had to sign up to at least one weekly sports activity. So when I was five I started judo, then changed to tennis when I was nine, added Continue Reading →

Should I tell my Counsellor about D/s?

As you know, I’ve struggled with my mental health since I was about 13 years old. I saw a psychiatrist for a little while when I was 16, but when it wasn’t helping I pretended I was ok so she’d let me go. It wasn’t until I started university that I felt I needed help and therefore, I went to the doctor in Wales. He gave me Continue Reading →

Utilising My Body

I was always a slim child. I loved running around, playing sports and I also dressed like a boy. It wasn’t a fashion choice as such, it was simply more comfortable and practical as my friends and I (only boys) weren’t the let’s stay quiet and indoors type. We liked to go on adventures. My two-year-younger sister preferred more ‘typical’ girl things. She liked to Continue Reading →

Which one is Real?

Trigger warning: depression and suicidal thoughts. Sometimes I slip into it so slowly that I don’t notice I have changed at all. I am aware that I’m not feeling well and that depression has crept up on me but I’m not aware that ‘my voice’ has changed. I am ‘the other’ and I don’t realise because she feels so familiar to me. She’s like an Continue Reading →

Are You There?

I’m not here. I’m not here anymore. I can’t hear you. I can’t hear you right now.   No. I’m not here. I’m not.   ‘I can’t…’ be here I’m not I’m not   ‘I don’t want to…’ can’t  be   I can’t be here anymore.   Hello depression my old friend ~ This was earlier this week. I’m all good now, this happens all the Continue Reading →

Triggering Dissociation with a Task

Previous Post | Next Post I have written about my dissociation in the past in My Mental Illness: Depression and Dissociation and written a guest post attempting to explain a little bit about dissociation on SB4MH. Considering the forms of dissociation out there like, Dissociative Identity Disorder about which DeviantSuccumbus has written some great posts (here & here) that explains it well, mine is pretty mild. Continue Reading →

“You Can Breathe” | Letting go and Moving forward

April 2015 I can describe us with an endless list of songs. I can see her in everything she has ever talked about. She used to be my first thought in the morning and my last thought when I went to bed. She didn’t even leave me in my dreams. She was always there, with me, in my head, but hasn’t been with me for Continue Reading →

Reclaiming Agency over Depression, Eliminating Bad Habits like comfort food

Depression has a lot of invisible to the outside world side-effects that I imagine people often feel ashamed about, and therefore walk around with it alone. I know I felt ashamed. I want to talk about bad habits that if not caused by, at the very least became stuck in my system as a result of depression. I think some of mine are universal, while Continue Reading →

Coping with the Upcoming Holidays

Halloween has passed and somehow that means it is now time for Christmas, starting on the 1st of November. THAT IS 54 days until Christmas day. It essentially means that ‘we’ dedicate almost 2 months to Christmas. 2 MONTHS! That is how much ‘we’ all love Christmas, but I’m not one of the people that does… Continue Reading →

My Mental Illness: depression and dissociation and their relationship with my slave identity and kinky lifestyle

I have been following the site of Sex Bloggers for Mental Health for a while, intending to follow one of their writing prompts but forget to / am too busy to actually do it in the right week. However, I feel like I sometimes mention that my mental health is a bit meh in my ‘normal’ blog posts without ever having explained anything about my Continue Reading →

M/s Dynamic to Help Manage Depression

I struggle quite a bit with depression and often wrote Miss Lois when I was doing poorly. She wasn’t always there to reply and I didn’t expect her to. It was just nice to have a safe space to leave my thoughts, I guess. In the night, I had been sending her messages about how I was feeling. Then in the morning, she came online and asked me how I was doing. Continue Reading →