You’ve already read a post about how I got to deserving to call Lois my Mistress but I realised that I forgot a bit about that. In that post, I’ve shown you the reasons why this was important, what I had to do to deserve it and why it was a good thing for both of us. Part of that was writing an essay to convince Lois I deserved it but after I wrote it there was a long period of silence surrounding the topic before it was fully addressed again. It might have taken up to two months, in fact.
So how does this post make sense in terms of the timeline? The other post ‘deserving to call her Mistress‘ is from the weeks prior to this happening. I had written the essay back then and all the other events I wrote about since were events that happened in between then, and the right now in this post. You might have noticed that in those posts in between, I still called her Miss.
In the weeks prior to this particular day, my mental health was going down a downwards spiral. I wasn’t feeling excited about anything, it felt like there was no purpose, I felt nauseous at random and socialising felt like the hardest task in the world. And then there were the dreams… But it was okay though, I’d say. I’m fine. I’ll just compartmentalize. But in the meantime, all those thoughts went on and so the first thing Lois asked was if I was OK.
I never noticed at the time but in hindsight, a conversation at those moments was often a bit flat, coming from my side anyway. My answers were rather short, matter of factly with no feelings. So she’d ask what I was up to and what my plans were and the answer would be nothing. She’d ask me what I was feeling and the answer would be nothing specific. So then, she suggested the following.
She pointed out that I had a veto right if, and only if, I thought that what she was suggesting would deteriorate my feelings instead of making it better. She wanted me to wear my stilettos, a ballgag and a butt plug and to tie the ballgag directly to the foot of my bed so that I’d have to be on all fours with my head close to the floor, while on webcam. “Then we can chat,” she said.
This approach immediately made me feel something, albeit it was still a bit distant. It made me feel alert because I had to get up and arrange for this to happen. While I felt a bit shaky and unsure, getting a command like this helped me as it put my other worries to the side. The only thing that mattered then is what she would say and tell me to do.
(No, by the way, I did not use my veto right but) I appreciated that she gave it to me. It showed that she was careful about my wellbeing and admitted that perhaps, she didn’t know all the answers either. Though by this point, I knew that making her happy, even if I wasn’t feeling okay and it wasn’t going to change my mood in the long run, following her orders was still something that’d help me the most. Overtime, beyond that day, that’s what it became. No matter how I felt, serving Lois would come first, that’s what I needed.
Wearing a ball gag on cam is rather embarrassing. Being forced to sit on all fours with my head uncomfortably near the ground and pulled against the bed frame through said ball gag is even more embarrassing. It’s the perfect set up to put me in a submissive headspace and or in my place, which in turn shuts out all my other mundane thoughts. It allows me to focus on what I am and what I want to be. It allows me to focus on serving.
Recalling these sessions is more difficult because they took place on cam so there is no captured history in text whatsoever, but before getting myself in position, Lois wanted me to get the wasabi and the clamps. I remember asking which clamps she wanted me to get, though I full well knew that she wanted the binder clips and was hoping against knowing better. In fact, I shouldn’t have asked. Bad slave behaviour!
I inserted the butt plug with the wasabi first, then smeared the wasabi on my clit and couldn’t help but stay frozen in place for a moment. When a sensation overwhelms me I go still in an attempt to cope. The double usage of wasabi is terrible. I know that it pales in comparison to the hot sauce but it never feels like it does. The pain of it always initially makes me feel like I can’t cope. Proceeding then, as Lois tells me to, by attaching the clamps to my nipples is rather difficult as that action requires me to move.
The clamps though… god, they are the worst. I am able to stay quiet in most instances. I can go without making a sound while getting caned or feeling the hot sauce or have an intense orgasm but I always make a sound when these clamps are attached to my nipples and I need a long moment after said attachment before I can move and function again. Of course, Lois doesn’t give me that time. At best, this means I managed to put the second one on my other nipple 30 seconds after the first but I’m guessing it took me closer to 2 minutes. The second one is worse in a different way in that I’m afraid to put it on, knowing what it feels like and worse also in that there are now two nipples in severe agony.
So as I sit there shaking and unable to cope, Lois tells me to go back into position. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to stay focused through that kind of pain in order to tie yourself in place? It must be so nice if someone else induces the pain and ties me up. I had my ballgag secured and pulled a rope through it which I then attached to my foot of the bed and pulled rather tightly before tying it off. Okay, now what? Nothing. We were just going to have a chat now.
It’s a fun image, isn’t it? A slave tied to the bed by a ballgag, head on the floor while being on all fours. A butt plug forces the burning flames of the wasabi inside and keeps it trapped, while the burning on her clit spreads out to the rest of her vagina. At the same time, her nipples are burning equally if not worse with the additional sting. And during all of that, the Mistress makes her chat with her about other, mundane things. (I was typing since I couldn’t talk.)
I stayed there for about two hours and over the course of these hours, the wasabi, the clamps and my neck started switching in and out of the ‘this hurts the absolute most’ position. It’s hard for me to tell when the wasabi stops working and I can only tell in hindsight, a few hours later but the butt plug did an excellent job at keeping it trapped. My nipples were in excruciating pain from the start but then started to be more used to it in the middle of it all. Later on, they flared up again and became unbearable but at the same time, the uncomfortable position that my neck was in almost overtook that.
In these sorts of moments, I lose track of time or anything else that’s happening in life. All that matters is that I’m serving my Mistress and if that’s through suffering even if it’s unbearable, then that’s okay. It feels good, somehow, to be trapped there with no other choice (consensually) than to suffer.
But we didn’t just talk about mundane things. Lois finally addressed the Mistress thing and we talked through that quite extensively. I had needed to convince her but on this day, all I could feel was that I wasn’t worth it and that she didn’t want me. It was really special to me when she said that she wants to own me and that I am special.
The entire conversation that day, including set up and all took place between 8 and 11 am. It was definitely the right start to my day and I was really happy that from then on, I got to call her Mistress.
Dear Marie Louise,
I think you have talked before about times when your mental health has been where it was at this point, and you feel no purpose and everything is just flat and nothing.
I understand that you really don’t feel like doing anything D/s related (or anything at all) at those times. But when Miss Lois forced you (and good for her to give you a veto and realizing that she didn’t have all the answers), you would do it as a good slave, even if you didn’t feel like doing it at the beginning. Then, as you got further into the scene, you would compartmentalize, focus on the scene and put everything else in the background. I assume that made you feel better in the moment, right?
Having said all that, I am curious that you say that “it wasn’t going to change my mood in the long run”. Perhaps not in the long long run, but wouldn’t you feel better after a scene? And wouldn’t that boost last a while? Perhaps the rest of the day or into the next? And (here is where I am really going) would regular scenes, where you got to suffer and serve Miss Lois not raise your mood in a more durable way? Perhaps you can talk a little bit about the after effects, just like you talk about the “before”.
A practical question: Since you were on cam, did you have to mumble your side of the conversation through your ballgag? It sounded like it was a long and deep conversation and that must have been a distraction.
As always, I enjoy reading about your physical suffering for Miss Lois.
All the best,
I can’t remember the after I’m afraid. Sometimes it would only be a distraction in the moment, sometimes I would feel better for several days. I only know that I felt really happy after this.
Oh and no, I was typing to her considering the gag!
Wow. I could never endure this but I appreciate how and why it was helpful for you. I am glad that you were able to call her mistress and the greatest respect for the service that you are able to put your mind to.
Thank you Missy
That was quite a post – and am pleased you spoke – and I agree wit her – you are special ML
Thank you May ♥️
It has been far faaar to long since i have properly sat down and read one of your posts. I can honestly say i have missed it, from the days were you would send me each one it feels life got hectic. Reading this is just another re-reminder of how much of an amazing writer you are. The stuff you have been through your life and all the events that have accumulated up to now have created someone who can write with such emotion and passion. While your skill at prose allows you to do it with such a beautiful description.
Im glad to be reading them again.
All the pain at the same time and then still having a chat? Wow, brilliant. I love that she cares so much about your feelings. Love reading about the dynamic between you and her 🙂
It’s interesting because before I met her, I never thought I’d be so much into so much pain or humiliation or complete control but I really felt ‘heard’ and safe and cared after. Xx
That is just wonderful! xox
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