Trigger warning: depression and suicidal thoughts.
Sometimes I slip into it so slowly that I don’t notice I have changed at all. I am aware that I’m not feeling well and that depression has crept up on me but I’m not aware that ‘my voice’ has changed. I am ‘the other’ and I don’t realise because she feels so familiar to me. She’s like an old friend but I am scared of her. I am scared of feeling this way.
I am calling it ‘the other’ because I don’t know what else to call it, though alter ego would also do. I lived as her for years and I’d forgotten that I had an other-self: myself, the ‘actual’ me, though of course, I am both. I suppose it’s as if my inner voice became more than just that; it materialised into what feels like another person, like my shadow, a nearly identical clone. Her voice is so strong that it silenced my own, she questions my existence.
Who am I and what am I doing here? No really, who am I?
Which one is my real inner voice?
I’m not living, I am surviving. I don’t know why I can’t simply give in and let go. It feels like I’d be so much happier that way when everything stops and I don’t have to exist anymore.
I don’t want to exist; I wish I hadn’t touched people’s lives. I don’t want to leave a gap and hurt and traumatise the people around me but what am I doing here? It feels like the universe made a mistake or perhaps it was a sadistic joke. I shouldn’t be here. I should not be here.
I’m just an empty vessel that has been floating around so I’m perfect to turn into whatever slave you might want. If you listen to me, if you really see me, I’ll give you my life. No one has really seen me before.
What do you see when you look at me? I smile like Mona Lisa and people don’t know how to approach me. Am I scared of you? Am I not interested in you? Do I dislike you? Am I too vulnerable? Do you feel like you can’t even swear in front of me?
It becomes clear that I’m actually really kind. I care about you and the other people around me. If you give it a chance and talk to me I really listen to you. You’ve never had someone listen to you like this before. Perhaps I know you so well because I want to be seen but no one ever does.
I shouldn’t be here. I should not be here. I shouldn’t exist. I shouldn’t be here at all.
So when I get home I slide down against my wall until I reach the floor. The rope slides through my hands and calm settles over me. Me, I, the real me is shaking; tears are streaming down my face but I can’t feel that anymore.
I shouldn’t be here. I should not be here at all.
It feels safe inside this vessel where I can feel nothing at all. It’s telling me what to do and all I have to do is listen. It will all go away and I’ll finally find peace.
It’s not real, I know I want to keep on living. I know, hope that it’s going to be better somehow.
I am feeling so cold. So dizzy. My arms can’t push me up so I drag myself; I crawl over to my bed.
I need to sleep. Lock you away.
I shouldn’t be here. I don’t want to be here.
I know, I know but we have to. We’ll have to make it somehow.
And I close my eyes.
For twenty minutes, I get to disappear in the darkness of a stream of scary dreams and when I wake up, I wish I could go back. Anywhere is better than here.
I always tell my friends that if it happens it won’t have been me, it will have been ‘the other,’ who I sometimes can’t escape. How can I when she is me? There have been several years in which I didn’t want to live. She and her truth are real too. And can you separate the two above in what I just wrote?
Perhaps we should be one. Will that cease this fight? But how can I when I need to protect myself from the reality of her?
I don’t know how to survive this but I know I always have.
That is as powerful as it is scary.
I feel like giving you a hug, but it seems like such a feeble gesture in comparison.
So, let me also remind you how far you have come through your own hard work. How much better you have learned to manage this other that invades you, through what sounds like sheer willpower. I understand that it might be impossible to think that and feel that, when the other takes over, but it sound like you have gone from her impersonating you full time to making her a visitor. Sure, one who shows up too often and stays too long, but you are winning this fight. I hope you can tell yourself that and make yourself believe it.
All the best,
It feels kind of good to me, writing it because it makes me feel less lonely in this feeling? Because no one can really experience but me and writing it, or succesfully doing it in some way helps a little. Though I know it might be a bit haunting to read…
Thank you. I know, and you’re right. If I look back on all those years, it has only been positive in the sense that I’m still here and still fighting and ‘functioning’ so well. I do believe I’ll get out of this someday, in some way. Though it will never truly be gone or leave me. And you’re right and I hadn’t thought of that yet. She’s more of a visitor now! So that’s improvement haha
Thank you for your kind comment, again ♥
Dear Marie Louise,
I understand that it is therapeutic to write and process what you are going through, so I applaud you for taking care of yourself and doing that. I am guessing that the effect is even stronger, when you post it here, so good for you!
I was not suggesting that you should censor yourself, when I said it was scary. Your post is so powerful, because it is so raw and haunting. It lets your readers know what you are going through on an emotional level, not just an intellectual one. I learn so much from reading your blog.
I hope you are feeling better, so you can get back to focusing on butt canings and other wholesome porn.
All the best,
Don’t worry, I didn’t think you meant that I should censor myself. I think it’s good to show that I’m also just a person and I struggle with life. It’s not just all fun, though it’s a sex blog, haha. And additionally, I don’t think people have to feel ashamed to feel this way and maybe if we’re all a bit more open, it’ll help take more of the stigma and fear away. Thank you, I do feel better at the moment. Football helped me this week!
I send hugs! I’m glad you exist and find value in you. You are a force of nature. I send more hugs. Feel better soon!
Thank you Michael ♥♥
No matter how bad it gets, or how hard it seems, hold your head high and remind your self that you are an incredible woman. You share yourself willing, reaching out and becoming transparent for the world to see. You have more courage and confidence than you may imagine. The cruel fact is, that life is hard, and it pretty much sucks more often than not. But each day we get to wake up, try to make it as good as it can be, and somedays, get a do-over. Seize the day Marylouise, and make it a great one. Hugs to ya!!
Thank you for your kind and encouraging message. Really appreciated ♥
Which one is real? Both parts are real and live in the whole you. I find it so difficult to identify what is triggering my nothing self emerging or dominating my awareness. I can feel inner strength and resources within you. To find my grounded & present in the here and now Self, I found I’ve had to use listening to blues music; let the thoughts flow through the pen (or colored pens) freely without censoring; having a large piece of paper & colored markers–then sit and listen and put down the thoughts, images, abstract figures…..and gradually I open up my distressed self enough to set it free and to reconnect with my body, my senses, my surroundings.
Ma Rainey’s blues “The Sun’s Gonna Shine in My Backdoor Some Day” comforted me and has been my inner companion for many years. Bessie Smith, BB King, Maria Muldaur, and many more strengthen me to choose to live again and again.
My heart is with you in this universal challenge.
Thank you ♥
I’m glad you found some way to ground yourself through music and to put thoughts down into images. I guess we all need to find something that works for us. Thank you again ♥
“The Sun’s Gonna Shine in My Backdoor Some Day” takes on a whole new meaning on a sex blog.
I am sorry…
I tried to resist…
I really did…
I know this is a serious thread…
And mental health is no laughing matter…
But it was just taunting me…
It was just too tempting…
Like a football coming at you, that you just can’t help but kick.
That packed a punch MLS – and don not ever censor your writing on here
Thank you May ♥♥
Thank you for adding the trigger warnings 🙂
Hugs & sending you happy thoughts.
That’s a horrible spiral to encounter and face up to. The ‘other’ voice inside us is the worst of them all because it knows exactly where and how to attack. It is as much you as the ‘real’ you.
This is really powerful. I recognise some of it, though not with the intensity that you experience. I don’t know if the answer comes from integration or banishment of the ‘other’. Whichever it is, it’s a dark struggle and I hope there are people you can reach out to.
Thank you for writing this
Thank you Melody ❤️ Your comment means a lot
Believe it or not, I recognize (sometimes) in myself elements (feelings) of what you are describing. I really feel for you and I wish I could tell you how to fight the demons… But know this, from what you write, you sure are strong and positive and most importantly, you are improving!! So you must be moving in the right direction. You are a wonderful young woman and you are making other people’s lives reacher, us here in your blog included.
Best wishes, dear Marie Louise, I am glad that you’re around.
This is such a powerful piece, and so beautifully written. I am so happy that you are so strong and that you can resist the other you. I love your writing and you are very valuable. Isabelle xx
Thank you so much ♥♥ Means a lot! xx
Going through such a phase right now this was really uncomfortable to read even though I think it is important to let those feelings out and put them into words. I am glad you made it through again. I come to see myself and everything in life generally as a kind of duality. There is always someone or something that is “other” and it needs to be integrated but it also can’t be integrated. I know this does not seem to make sense..maybe it doesn’t.
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