Part 2: Many Tears and Self Doubts

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(Please keep in mind that this post was written a full year ago before the time of publishing.)

As I mentioned in the previous post, Lois had to leave when I was still taking pictures while having smeared hot sauce on my clit and vagina, but then came back online at about 12 o’clock at night, by which my sleeping pills were starting to make me feel very drowsy.

Lois: “How are you?”

Me: “I don’t know Mistress? I feel like I’m all over the place.”

Lois: “Why are you all over the place?”

I tried to explain how my thoughts had jumped from one thought to the other, to another, to another and another and another and… yeah.

She asked me if I was still feeling bad for eating the chocolate and I answered that I had rationalised it, knowing that I would be able to lose the weight again and fix my mistake. But I added that I felt like I’d been a bad slave in every way and that I felt very ashamed about it and that I didn’t know how to deal with it.

Lois: “Ok.
Two things. Do you not have more skirts? I remember other ones.
And to get rid of the feeling of being a bad slave you need to feel punished.”

I instantly felt much worse. Yes… I did have more skirts but I knew she disliked them and when I’d asked in previous times if she wanted me to show those too when she told me to try out all the skirts she’d always said no… So I just presumed it’d be the same this time.

Secondly, I completely agreed with point two but I was also starting to fall asleep because of my sleeping pills and I didn’t know how I could possibly cope with being punished right now. I told her both of these responses.

Lois: “Take the pictures with the other skirts. Same setup.”

(I should mention that by this point, lying completely still had eased off the pain on my clit and vagina by quite a lot.)

Me: “You mean with the webcam and all that Mistress?”

Lois: “Yes, and with the butt plug inserted. Inflated.”

(The idea of inflating the butt plug right now was dreadful. Every time I wore it and inflated it to the point Lois wanted me to, it made me struggle to stand up. Surprisingly, it’s a feeling I don’t cope all that well with, somehow.)

But she told me to so I got up and moved to get all the items I needed for these pictures but as soon as I moved the hot sauce started burning up again and I panicked. What if it would become super bad again, meaning I couldn’t sleep at all later on? Especially because when I ignore my first call of sleep it sometimes means I can’t sleep at all afterwards. And if I wouldn’t sleep, then I would be super depressed and probably start feeling suicidal again.

Me: “I don’t know if I can do this. Moving makes it start again.”

Lois: “You will do this, there is no question.
You are a slave.
You do as you are told. It is not a choice of yours but a fact.”

I was crying, low-key breaking down because I was so afraid.

Me: “What about my mental health when it breaks down tomorrow and I’m all alone again?”

Lois: “Do you think not doing it will be better than doing it?”

Me: “No Mistress because you’ve told me to do it now.
I’m just scared.”

Lois: “You will be fine.”

Me: “I don’t know if that’s true Mistress.
I will take the skirts out. It will take a few minutes.
I’m sorry.”

Lois: “You don’t have to be sorry as long as you do as good as you can.”

I took the stilettos, the pull-ups, the skirts, my laptop, phone and inflatable butt plug to the spare room and messaged my flatmate to say that if I was keeping her from sleeping she should let me know.

I turned on the webcam and moved it to a position which showed me in the light and inserted the butt plug and then started inflating it slowly. She asked me how wet I was, which wasn’t very wet. She said that this would soon change (I was sceptical).

It’s such a strange feeling every time you inflate it a bit more. It sends butterflies through my body, which is both pleasurable and also not. And then when it is inflated more and more the pleasurable aspect sort of disappears. I pumped it to a point where I thought I would still be able to fulfil my task but had also pumped it past that point with about four pumps, knowing that was expected of me. At the same time, I anticipated that Lois would ask me to pump it more afterwards.

Lois: “Can you pump it more? take the pump out when you are done.”

Even more slowly than before, I pumped it again, closing my eyes each time I pumped it again. I managed to give it about 4 more pumps I believe, and then took the pump out.

I placed the laptop with the webcam on the bed so it would show the area where I would stand to pose and she told me to adjust the screen a little bit so she could see my feet to check my posture. I didn’t know one had to see someone’s feet to check their posture?

I took the first picture.

Lois: “Creases in the hold-ups. Again.”

(Why was I failing so much at this? Why did I not remember to make sure the pull-ups didn’t have any creases?!)

The second picture was good. She asked me how wet I was, which was a little more than before. (Why did she know me and my body better than I did? How had my wetness already increased a little?)

In the third picture, the new skirt wasn’t worn properly so she told me to take another picture, which was good the second time around.

By the way, yes, the hot sauce was starting to burn a lot more again, especially when posing as my legs had to be close together. The hot sauce was definitely a stronger distracting thing than the butt plug. And somehow, therefore, the butt plug barely bothered me.

She asked me how wet I was again, which was again a little bit more. She also asked me how my pussy and the plug were and replied with “good” to my answer that my pussy was bad.

Every time she does that, which she always does when I’m in pain I feel both aroused and defiant.

I took the next picture and sent it, then realising I had again forgotten to pull up the pull-ups.

Me: “Shoot. I forgot to pull up the… I don’t learn do I.”

Lois: “You realised yourself so you do learn.”

(That made me feel a tiny little bit better about it.)

I retook the picture and then said this was the last skirt.

Lois: “What happened to the ones I liked. A tight blue one. Short-ish.”

Omg, how did I manage to forget about these two skirts I also liked, a lot? How was I making so many mistakes tonight? I’m never usually this bad. I freaked out a little bit again about how badly I was doing at serving her tonight.

Lois: “You are doing ok. I am asking a lot from you.”

Again, she asked me how wet I was, which I thought was similar to the last time she asked. At the same time I was thinking how this would eventually lead to her telling me to squirt and orgasm for her… something I dreaded a lot considering my pussy and clit were burning.

I got the other two skirts and she told me to take a picture without wearing a skirt after this. All three pictures were okay, making me feel slightly relieved.

She then wanted me to take a picture with the pull-ups, the pink catsuit she’d also told me to order and my stilettos.

Side note: all night I’d been calling the pull-ups the ‘thingies’ because somehow I was unable to retain the word ‘pull-ups’. So when she told me the above she had called them ‘thingies’ this time, which made me feel extra embarrassed about my inability to remember that they were called pull-ups, lol.

As I was changing into the outfit and getting ready to take a picture she showed me a screenshot she had taken from the webcam which showed me applying the hot sauce to my clit. It was kind of incredible how well it had been captured. Like I mentioned in the previous post, I had actively tried to ensure it could be seen in the light but the picture showed it perfectly well, with the light on the clit and the applier, while darkening out the rest of me. Additionally, the bottle of hot sauce stood on the left side in the frame of the picture and the way I held my body looked pretty good.

After I’d taken the picture she said…

Lois: “Good, now you will try to cum and squirt for me.”

(See. I knew this had been coming…)

I asked if I could do it in my room because of the potential noise which she allowed me to. The butt plug was to stay in, the pull-ups on, as well as my white top and the stilettos.

In my room, I laid down on the floor and positioned the webcam so that she could see it, of course. As I started, I realised I was not wearing the white top and got up to collect it from the spare room. I then got back to the floor and she sent me a message.

Lois: “You are forgetting your shoes.”

(Which I had taken off to get the white top and I started cursing to myself. Whyyyyy was I doing so poorly. But I thanked her for reminding me.)

At first, I wanted to try and stay upright so Lois would be able to see my face as I was trying to make myself squirt and cum with the wand, but I couldn’t so I allowed myself to lie back on a pillow.

Everything felt too sensitive but my determination to push through this and get to orgasm was stronger. And as the vibrations were sent through my body, it also felt enjoyable in a way.

It took longer than usual though, but I guess that was expected. I tried very hard to force myself to get there as quickly as I could though. But the build-up towards the eventual orgasm was enjoyable.

I think I squirted (which was confirmed by the small wet patch on the towel afterwards) and then reached an orgasm. And as my body relaxed, completely exhausted, I started crying and a break down came on. I kept on lying there without movement for a lot longer than I usually would have. Then eventually crawled up and told her that I’d managed.

Lois: “Well done, did you enjoy it? Not that it matters.”

(I think she says that it doesn’t matter if I enjoy it to take my worry away because for the longest time I worried about how I was unable to enjoy them very much, thinking something was wrong with me, and I appreciate that she does.)

Me: “I think a little bit, Mistress.”

Lois: “Even better. You have done very well, as always. You deserve some sleep now. You can be proud of yourself.”

I was fighting myself to stop crying and to feel okay. I stared at her message for a little bit before replying.

Me: “Yes Mistress, thank you.
I don’t think I can believe it tonight.
I don’t feel like I’m doing okay. Like once you’re gone I’ll just break down.”

Lois: “You have done very well. And if I say that you are not to question it.
I pushed you and you did as you were told and did everything you were asked to do, just like a good slave would.”

Me: “So you enjoyed it, Mistress?”

Lois: “Of course I did. I enjoy using you very much.”

I thanked her and thanked her for checking in on me so often during the normal weeks and she said that it was her pleasure.

Me: “I’m glad Mistress. I’m glad you can use me.”

Lois: “So am I. Now sleep well. You deserve it for making me happy tonight.”

Me: “I think I’ll be okay. Thank you, Mistress.”

I didn’t sleep well that night, waking up a lot and feeling unable to sleep much past 6 AM, while I’d stayed up till about 2 AM. I’d been dreaming about having to do a task and constantly getting it wrong and the dream kept repeating itself.

However, when I woke up I didn’t feel like a bad slave. I felt lighter and okay, although I felt bad physically for having slept badly. But it had been worth it because feeling like a bad slave had been worse.

I thanked her for knowing me better than I did myself and apologised for having doubted her last night or rather having doubted myself of being incapable.


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15 Replies to “Part 2: Many Tears and Self Doubts”

  1. collaredmichael

    I think you are an amazing slave/submissive! Then and now. I am often in awe of you and amazed at what you are able to do. Miss Lois was very lucky to have you and Roxy is so fortunate to have you now.

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