Content warning: bad mother-daughter relationship
21 March 2019
21:06 Mum sent me a message and I replied and she replied and then I just said, Fuck you. I don’t know if that’s a good thing but I just can’t.
22:09 I don’t think I’ve ever… said anything like this to her before.
22:10 I feel so helpless.
Lois: “I think you expressed your emotions.”
Me: “Hi Miss. As long as I can be useful to someone someday I have a purpose.
I want to break everything that’s around me including myself
and her – not that she’s here
and I just
I’ll be fine.”
Me: “Because of her Miss. Feels like she’s finally broken me. Maybe that means this is the end though. Maybe this is the last time she can affect me this much.”
Lois: “Telling her to fuck off does not mean she broke you. Maybe you freed both of you.”
Me: “It’s just what she said. Her way. It’s so unfair I’ve tried everything to make this work someone and it’s just not meant to be and yet I’m stuck to her in some way because she will always be my mum and I’m just experiencing the incapability to deal with the reality of that.
I’ve calmed down.
How was your day?”
I wasn’t okay, of course, at least not in that first moment. But I did feel a lot better after I told my mum “fuck you” and had not realised how toxic our relationship truly was until I could step out of it. This revelation and my resulting knowledge are what keeps me from going back to it. I can no longer accept her terms no matter what it means to me, even though I deeply wish I could have that mother-daughter relationship. It really hurts me that I am not able to have a relationship with my mother. I remember good memories, of course. I love her and I know she loves me too but I’m suffocating under her grip. If I want to be okay, it feels like there’s no other option, not until she is ready to face her own demons and since I finally drew that line I have been feeling more at peace.
I’ve written some small things about my mother before in Coping with the Holidays and mentioned her in Old Ghosts Return. In short, from where I’m standing, she wants to decide what’s what and if I don’t comply she starts guilt-tripping and blaming me. You can either take my word for this or read a little glimpse into my family drama by opening the text below.
I don’t think it will be healthy for me to be in contact with my mum again unless something changes. The fact I cannot sleep without waking up in a bed covered in sweat whenever she sends me a message is probably a good indication of how toxic our relationship feels to me. Because of my mum’s significant impact, Lois had obviously heard about my mum several times.
On this particular day, a different one to the conversation at the start of this post, Lois asked me if I had been feeling good and balanced recently. That day felt like a pretty balanced day, though I mentioned that I was thinking of my mum sometimes. I kept going through a series of thoughts to try and see if I felt anything in regards to our relationship or if there was anything I felt upset about but there was nothing. I concluded that I felt much better since I told her “fuck you.”
Lois: “Very good. Anything else you would like to tell her?”
It was honestly so freeing to say fuck you to my mum. It felt like I finally chose myself over her, stopped taking her shit and told her how I actually felt. I didn’t feel like I had anything else to say though. I’d been ‘in conversation’ with her for years and the only words I had left by the end of it was the swear word.
Lois told me to get naked and to write ‘fuck off Mum’ on my body in large letters over my tits and belly. I didn’t feel thrilled about writing ‘mum’ on my body, but when your Domme tells you to do something, you just do; maybe this had a purpose.
She asked me how this felt, which was a bit funny.
Like I said I hadn’t been thrilled about it. It felt weird to write ‘mum’ on my body because I didn’t like it being that close to me. As per usual, she then asked me how wet I was, which was just a little bit. So then she told me to write ‘I am a slave’ underneath and apparently this increased my wetness.
Ps, as you can tell, I hadn’t written anything the right way around for it to work for mirror pictures, lol.
“What would your mum say if she knew what you are doing right now?”
Me: “I don’t know Miss, haha. And frankly, I don’t really care what she thinks.”
I mean… has anyone else ever thought of what their parents would say if they knew about these sorts of things? Personally, I don’t even touch the subject because the idea of them knowing is like. Nope.
She then wanted me to repeat ‘I am a slave’ over my body for as many times I thought was appropriate.
Again, I’d gotten wetter. (As I didn’t know how to describe how wet I was, we had at some point settled on a system where I would say if I was more or less wet compared to the last time.) She said to keep writing and if it made me wetter, to keep going. As long as I was getting wetter I should keep doing it.
I sent the picture above with the caption that I thought I was a lot wetter now. It was kind of tiring to write all of that and it’s cold being naked so I’m not a fan.
“You think? So why have you stopped then?”
…erm, shit. I apologised but she didn’t say anything so I figured she just meant for me to keep going. Finally, 10 minutes later, I sent another picture and said I didn’t think I could go any further because I had a gym session in which I’d wear shorts the following day. Maybe this lockdown is the perfect time to write all over my body sometime lol.
“How wet are you now?”
All I knew was that I was quite wet. I couldn’t tell anymore if it was more compared to earlier. At some point it’s all just wet, you know?
“Do you feel aroused?”
I had no idea. As I’m writing this now, it’s quite interesting to see how long it took me to recognise my own arousal without having to touch myself!
She asked me if I liked the picture, which I kind of did but I disliked the ‘mum’ being there. She pointed out that it was in the very centre… which… yep… it was, duh. I said that I didn’t think ‘mum’ needed to be written on me because just telling her to fuck off had been strong enough already. I didn’t need the writing to help me with this, for once.
She told me to use a tampon applicator (which I’d stolen from Mum’s attic lol) to insert a portion of tiger balm in one hole and a portion of wasabi in the other, I could choose which one in which. She’d taught me to choose the most painful options because my pain was her pleasure so I decided on tiger balm in my pussy and wasabi in my bum.
Verdict, wasabi is 100% worse than tiger balm. It’s a little difficult to cope with at first, but I tend to just do my coping thing, which is something that helps me cope… yes, clarity, lol. When I’m in pain or struggling, I tend to go completely still, which is what I did in response to these burning substances. At the same time, I was fascinated by the difference of feeling between my vagina and butt. It feels like there is a surge or a wave of a burning/stinging feeling every two seconds or so. In between those two seconds, there is a second where I feel like it has calmed down but then a second later it’s like, oh no wait, it’s definitely not. I can feel the burning all the way throughout my butt and all the way throughout my vagina. It’s quite extensive, I hate it.
She then wanted me to squirt in a bowl for her (not come). It’s always questionable whether I’m able to or not when I’m in pain as I’m too sensitive, (which side note, I am really sensitive in regards to everything. Picking up other people’s emotions, I can hear way too well, I taste and smell a lot, things do hurt a lot, especially when it comes to my nipples and my clit is SO sensitive.) And this time, I couldn’t squirt either so instead, she told me to put tiger balm on my butt plug and to insert it. Because you know, more pain is the way forwards.
“I’m making you an offer. You can ask me to use the hot sauce on your clit again while on webcam and if I have enough time, I’ll grant you the wish. This way you’ll be safe as I can see you while you suffer.”
This felt rather random but even more so, say what?! Why would I want to use the hot sauce out of my own free will? Did she miss how much I hated and couldn’t cope with it last time? I later found out and realised that she was training me to start craving everything I knew she liked me to do. I suppose seeing if I would start craving this, the absolute worst thing ever, was a great test of how successful it was.
“Sit down, legs spread, picture from the front.”
The butt plug with the tiger balm made it a lot harder for me to cope, especially sitting down. It wasn’t so much the tiger balm, but the butt plug reignited the wasabi very strongly and didn’t allow it to ease off. It now felt closer to the feeling of the hot sauce, though I noted how that couldn’t be true because I was still coping better compared to that. So of course, she wanted me to use a vibrator to see if I could squirt like that, on video. It took me four very painfully long minutes to squirt in the bowl. I didn’t cum, of course. She asked me if it was difficult for me to stop, if I wanted that orgasm but stopping was the only thing I wanted to do!
“Do you think you have your best friend’s loyalty over me?”
Interesting question. I know my friend will always have my back first, no question asked; I’ve never known anyone so loyal and supportive.
“Would you find it arousing if I had his loyalty over you?”
Now, as mentioned in previous posts, I like logic a lot so I answered this question very logically and seemingly without much feeling, because I, in fact, didn’t feel anything about this. I said that I didn’t think what she was saying would work out logically, because if that was the case, my friend would be telling her for me. So for example, he would probably tell her to make me suffer more or suggest things I might hate because, in the bigger picture, he knows that’s what I would want, even if I don’t want it. Additionally, if I’d broken a rule and told him, he would tell her even if I had told him not to. However, I wouldn’t tell him not to tell her in the first place because that would feel wrong for me, loyalty wise, in regards to her.
She mentions that she really liked the squirting video and asked me how much pain I was in now. By now, it had calmed down again, but it flared back up if I moved.
“Now use the squirt to rub the Mum off your body. I want you to realise the symbolism of it. You rub your mum away from your body with your own squirt because you’ve been told to because you’re a slave. Your real self erases your unpleasant close connection to your mum.”
Erm, what did I write earlier above? I don’t tend to connect kink to my parents because. Nope. I felt so embarrassed doing this and yet at the same time, I really wanted it to come off as soon as possible. It didn’t want to come off entirely but I did feel better when it was mostly faded.
She then told me to write slave over it, which did essentially hide it! Then she got an idea to use the elastic rope I own (which I used once before), though it was just to play around for a bit, which I guess meant she didn’t exactly know what she wanted to do with it. She told me to put on my hood and to wrap the elastic rope around my mouth a few times and to tie it together.
It hurts/pulled at the edges of my mouth so she suggested stuffing my mouth with knickers and then to do the same thing again, which worked.
“Now kneel on the floor and tie yourself to the bed so that you can’t really stand up. Like, it forces you in an uncomfortable position on the floor.”
I didn’t really get what she meant lol, so explained that she’d meant for me to put my head next to one foot of the bed on the corner and to tie the rope to that foot. It was a little difficult to do it because my bed doesn’t have a foot as such. Instead, I tied it like, around and under the bed frame under the mattress. Additionally, it’s kind of difficult to do this when you’re supposed to be on the floor and the rope from you to the bed isn’t allowed to be long but I managed!
How did that feel? Erm… uncomfortable? And upon touching myself I noticed that I was very wet.
“So you wiped your mum off your body with your squirt and replaced it with slave.
“Does that make you feel?”
No, it didn’t. It was just a fact that had happened.
“Am I the only thing that makes you feel, sometimes?”
That was an interesting question. I hadn’t really thought much about what did and did not make me feel. When you don’t feel much it’s just sort of normal. It doesn’t feel weird when you don’t feel anything and I guess it would be strange if I then did feel something. As I didn’t feel strange in that sense often, I assumed that must mean I didn’t feel much often lol.
“I think so, Miss.”
“And how does that feel?”
“I don’t know, Miss. Not much right now?”
“I want you to cum now.”
I suppose that was to either make me feel (though I know she and I both knew it was unlikely to make me feel) or simply for her enjoyment (which to be fair, should make me feel something).
By this point, whether it hurts or what consequence it’d have on me didn’t even cross my mind. The only thing in my mind was doing it and somehow when I reach that point everything is rather peaceful, though I didn’t actually feel or wasn’t aware of the peace yet.
It took me two minutes and it caused a lot of squirt and I actually enjoyed it! It was a little intense. There’s a video of this on my Onlyfans here.
“Is the wasabi still painful?”
“Can’t have been that bad then.”
I feel like the majority of people out there would disagree!
“You must be right, Miss.”
“You really crave my appreciation, don’t you. You see being a slave as the centre of your universe.”
“I suppose so, Miss.”
“Is that hard to admit?”
It was. Her phrasing of the craving of her appreciation and the slave had been very specific because she wanted that response in me. It was difficult to admit because I wasn’t sure if it was wrong of me to feel that. In fact, I still feel like that a little bit. I’m probably afraid of rejection or/and perhaps it’s a part of the feeling that we should be independent strong women and how does that add up when you want to be a slave or feel like that’s an integral part of who you are?
“I feel very free, tbh. Like peaceful again. Not as much as after using the hot sauce, but peaceful anyway.”
I can tell you about exactly 4 moments that I had felt peaceful during over the last several years, from the date this body writing, wasabi, tiger balm task happened. One of them was that day. One of them was after using the hot sauce with Lois. One was in a nightclub at around 3 am, in Wales during my third year of university. I was out with my basketball team and sat down with this girl I liked and who liked me. For about ten seconds, she let me lean against her and I rested my head on her shoulder. I closed my eyes and for those 10 seconds, I felt completely at peace. The final one took place (now 8) years ago when I was at a summer festival in Germany with who used to be my most precious friend. We were there with her parents and her boyfriend but had walked off to this empty field where they had put up handcrafted giraffes. We stood together and for a little while, I leaned on her shoulder as she hugged me and for a moment, nothing else mattered and I felt tranquil. (We were always that close. She was my literal safe haven and my destination where I could feel okay, away from home and she knew she was. I was feeling down that day.)
So, if you count those up, it means I had felt peaceful just four times in over six years. And two of those times had happened in this year, quite close to one another as well.
“A rare feeling for you. Enjoy it, you deserve it.”
She said I could decide to stay there for as long as I wanted. Very strangely, even the butt plug had started feeling comforting. Feeling peaceful for me is like as if I were flying, happy, free, able to do whatever I want. It’s incredible because I stop feeling so heavy all of a sudden and I can just be me. By the end of our conversation, she said she’d enjoyed it very much and so had I.