Kinky Fantasies to Help me Fall Asleep

For as long as I can remember I’ve been bad at sleeping. My parents quickly concluded it must be because my dad is a poor sleeper and that I inherited it from him, thanks dad, haha. So at first, when we still had these big massive radios I listened to Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter audiobooks. When I was around nine or ten I was given an old television, which must have seemed harmless, but when you turn Continue Reading →

Old Ghosts Return

Content warning: dissociation, depression, suicidal thoughts. Before Covid-19 I walk into my Counsellor’s office and as we sit down we’re both smiling. There is a small, awkward silence; we never seem to know how to start these sessions so he asks me how I’m feeling. The answer to this question has mostly been the same for the past year. I don’t know; I’m not feeling much so he asks me where my awareness rests instead. I tend to notice when Continue Reading →

Should I tell my Counsellor about D/s?

As you know, I’ve struggled with my mental health since I was about 13 years old. I saw a psychiatrist for a little while when I was 16, but when it wasn’t helping I pretended I was ok so she’d let me go. It wasn’t until I started university that I felt I needed help and therefore, I went to the doctor in Wales. He gave me antidepressants, which seemed completely inappropriate to me. When I saw a psychiatrist before I was Continue Reading →

Which one is Real?

Trigger warning: depression and suicidal thoughts. Sometimes I slip into it so slowly that I don’t notice I have changed at all. I am aware that I’m not feeling well and that depression has crept up on me but I’m not aware that ‘my voice’ has changed. I am ‘the other’ and I don’t realise because she feels so familiar to me. She’s like an old friend but I am scared of her. I am scared of feeling this way. Continue Reading →

Are You There?

I’m not here. I’m not here anymore. I can’t hear you. I can’t hear you right now.   No. I’m not here. I’m not.   ‘I can’t…’ be here I’m not I’m not   ‘I don’t want to…’ can’t  be   I can’t be here anymore.   Hello depression my old friend ~ This was earlier this week. I’m all good now, this happens all the time. Great image came from it though, if I say so myself. Seriously though, I’m Continue Reading →

Triggering Dissociation with a Task

Previous Post | Next Post I have written about my dissociation in the past in My Mental Illness: Depression and Dissociation and written a guest post attempting to explain a little bit about dissociation on SB4MH. Considering the forms of dissociation out there like, Dissociative Identity Disorder about which DeviantSuccumbus has written some great posts (here & here) that explains it well, mine is pretty mild. I don’t have multiple personalities but I do seem to have an ego state. This Continue Reading →

I Don’t Want to Win

Previous Post | Next Post Following up on my anticipating my first caning post, I want to go a little bit deeper into my ‘I don’t want to win’ statement by going back to the time I spent with Miss Lois. As happened quite often… (more often than I thought, looking back) I was having a few depressive days again. These would often end up in breakdowns, which I can best describe as being at my lowest point, feeling like Continue Reading →

Body Writing to Recognise my Slave Identity

Previous Post | Next Post In the previous post, I mentioned that I wasn’t doing too great and my dissociation and depressive thoughts were far stronger than the feeling of serving as a slave, or the feeling of an orgasm; the depressive thoughts were starting to become my truth. Miss Lois and I had last been in touch at 6 PM and at 11.30 PM I sent her another string of messages that… Well, I might as well share what Continue Reading →

Trying to dig up feelings. Fighting dissociation

Previous Post | Next Post I’m fairly confident I have mentioned this before, but if you’re new here, I didn’t really enjoy orgasms or touching myself for a long, long time. A friend once encouraged me to get a vibrator and to start self-pleasuring, pointing out how important and healthy this was. After getting past the initial embarrassment, I followed her advice but I didn’t like it at all. I tried different things and I just didn’t get it. What Continue Reading →

Reclaiming Agency over Depression, Eliminating Bad Habits like comfort food

Depression has a lot of invisible to the outside world side-effects that I imagine people often feel ashamed about, and therefore walk around with it alone. I know I felt ashamed. I want to talk about bad habits that if not caused by, at the very least became stuck in my system as a result of depression. I think some of mine are universal, while others might be slightly more personal. I hope that sharing this might if you are Continue Reading →

Coping with the upcoming holidays

Halloween has passed and somehow that means it is now time for Christmas, starting on the 1st of November. THAT IS 54 days until Christmas day. It essentially means that ‘we’ dedicate almost 2 months to Christmas. 2 MONTHS! That is how much ‘we’ all love Christmas, but I’m not one of the people that does… Continue Reading →

Embarrassing positions

She then told me to take a picture of myself in the most humiliating position that I could think off… which… I hate this. Having to come up with positions myself because I’m not sure what’s embarrassing exactly because I don’t always feel certain positions as embarrassing. Additionally having to think of one myself makes me worry because what if it’s not good enough? Continue Reading →

My Mental Illness: depression and dissociation and their relationship with my slave identity and kinky lifestyle

I have been following the site of Sex Bloggers for Mental Health for a while, intending to follow one of their writing prompts but forget to / am too busy to actually do it in the right week. However, I feel like I sometimes mention that my mental health is a bit meh in my ‘normal’ blog posts without ever having explained anything about my mental health to you. Therefore I thought it might be appropriate to take last week’s Continue Reading →

Feeling like a good slave: Elastic bands and Candle wax

The first thing I did when I got home was take off my clothes. Usually I then put on comfy clothes, but I decided to not to as I suspected I might have to take them off shortly anyway. Miss Lois asked me to show her my room with pictures and afterwards I snuggled up comfortably in my warm bed. Only for her to tell me to get up 5 minutes later. Continue Reading →

M/s dynamic to help manage depression

I struggle quite a bit with depression and often wrote Miss Lois when I was doing poorly. She wasn’t always there to reply and I didn’t expect her to. It was just nice to have a safe space to leave my thoughts, I guess. In the night, I had been sending her messages about how I was feeling. Then in the morning, she came online and asked me how I was doing. Continue Reading →