As you know, I’ve always referred to Lois as Miss Lois because that’s what she told me to address her as – that is, for the first half of my training. At some point, this changed and I was allowed to address her as Mistress Lois. The title was something she thought should be earned and eventually I did.
Let’s go back to the start though. I never really knew much about titles; I didn’t even know the difference between a slave and a submissive so you can imagine I didn’t think twice about the difference between Miss and Mistress. I thought Miss was simply a shorter way to say, Mistress. At some point, Miss Lois thought it would be a good idea if another submissive she was training and I would chat with each other, for my development. I was quite surprised by this, as she never tried ‘involving’ someone else again after she tried this in 2017 when she wasn’t yet training me.
I believe this was during Christmas 2017. Miss Lois told me about how she had a submissive stand with books on her head or something so as to train her to stand straight. I don’t quite remember. She told me some other things, as well as this submissive’s responses to my responses and then Miss Lois, asked me what the submissive deserved as a punishment for (I assume dropping the books?)
This entire conversation and the involvement of this submissive was supposed to make me feel turned on, which it didn’t. I was at home for Christmas in a state of dissociation to deal with that and I didn’t feel much. Plus, the idea of whatever she was doing with this submissive didn’t appeal to me at all. I didn’t understand why it would, so Miss Lois never tried this again.
She never tried this again until she had me chat with this other submissive of hers. It was up to me whether we’d talk in private or whether Miss Lois was allowed to be in the conversation as well. It only felt right to me that she should be. After all, she had access to everything in my mind so it seemed weird if this conversation would be private. So we talked and the conversation didn’t go that well. Apparently, I wasn’t being myself, though I felt like I was. The way I behaved was exactly how I would behave in this kind of situation, but the submissive insisted that I wasn’t being open and Miss Lois also thought something was up.
Anyhow, we still tried for a bit. When Lois addressed her, she responded by calling her Mistress Lois, while I used Miss Lois. Now that I saw the other submissive address her with Mistress I was very confused. Had it been disrespectful of me to call Lois ‘Miss Lois’ instead of ‘Mistress Lois’ all this time? I asked her about this in private and she said something along the lines of how I hadn’t yet earned the right to address her as Mistress, and that the other submissive was further in her training.
I struggle to retrieve the memory of what I felt when she said this. I know I felt cold, physically. Embarrassed? A bit worthless, too, because I wasn’t very confident as it was. I also felt like I had overstepped and asked for an answer I didn’t really want to know. I wished I could rewind a minute of time.
Over the following weeks, two thoughts were fighting with each other in my head. On one side, I thought that I wasn’t good enough and never would be. How could I ever catch up with this other submissive when I was already so far behind? On the other side, I knew I’d get there. I was only doing good things according to Lois; I barely made any mistakes and I was making a lot of progress. Yet, no matter how much I tried, the doubts kept re-appearing. Eventually, I dealt with it by separating myself from them, the old trick of going numb (only in regards to this and yes, this is quite a useful skill I’ve developed. Dissociation isn’t only plaguing me anymore).
So, life and my servitude to Lois went on as normal. On Fetlife, a Mistress had messaged me and I was confused about whether I should address her as Mistress [insert name] as that was how she’d signed the message. Miss Lois said I shouldn’t. This thought, however, made another thought I’d wondered about surface. I asked Lois if I should address her as Miss Lois too when I was talking about her with my best friend, as I’d always called her Lois then, since before she was training me. She said I didn’t have to (so I never started doing so) and then she added,
“But you deserve the chance to convince me that I should allow you to call me Mistress. Take your time but once you think you have the arguments sorted write a request and explain why you deserve that privilege and why it would be good for your development.”
Oh. Did I deserve that? It had been a while now since the Miss or Mistress thing had been mentioned. I had started thinking it was a forgotten topic.
I thanked her for giving me the opportunity but that I didn’t feel like I deserved anything and then added that part of me deserving it was probably that I had to allow myself to deserve things.
She said that calling her Mistress would help my development and deepen our connection. And that this was a team effort.
I sent her a string of thoughts. I was a bit panicky or on the verge of breaking down, somehow. The idea of being allowed to call her Mistress made me think of the other submissive and of how I didn’t think I was worthy enough. (I mean, it was quite obvious that having talked to this submissive had a negative effect, rather than the positive one Miss Lois had intended. She definitely did not ever even bring up the existence of any other submissive after this, lol)
Lois: “It is a lie in your mind. You deserve everything I give you, otherwise I would not give it to you.”
I said that I couldn’t write a request. My anxiety instantly stopped me, so she suggested I try and force myself to write bullet points without details at first. We talked about it but my insecurity was too strong so she tried to reassure me and argue with logic (as logic often works very well for me) to try and make me see that I was worth it. I didn’t quite get out of this negative spiral that day but a few days later I did.
I attempted to start writing why I deserved to call her Mistress but stopped after a few sentences. I let it lie for a few days, tried again and stopped once more. Then eventually, I felt like I had to write it and forced myself in the same way that I can force myself to write an essay for uni. The document ended up being 1600 words long.
In summary, I said that in order to deserve to call her Mistress, I had to recognise and acknowledge that I am worthy and so I listed a dozen+ reasons why I am indeed worthy. After this, I went into how calling her Mistress would help my development. I thought it would deepen my submission, deepen our bond and connection. If you want to read the 1600 words (which have not been edited), just click on the link below.
It took a little while after I’d written this essay until she allowed me to call her Mistress. She was kind of busy, but when I brought it up eventually, she admitted that she definitely thought I deserved it but that she was scared that if she allowed me to, I would get hurt. She knew that it would indeed deepen our bond and therefore, potentially get me more attached. She didn’t want this to happen because she always kept the possibility in mind that she’d have to move because of her job (which ended up happening. She had to move to Singapore, it’s why she stopped training me). We talked about it and decided that it was good for me and her, regardless of the future, if I would call her Mistress Lois from now on.
It felt really good, you can imagine how happy I felt. And at the same time, I’d gotten so used to using Miss that I suddenly had to start reminding myself of this, just like I needed to when getting used to addressing her as Miss. After forgetting it quite often, calling her Miss had eventually become like second nature. I stopped having to think about this, but now I had to think about it again. I believe I messed this up once or twice, for which I’m sure I must have been punished (but in minor ways).
Of course, titles mean something different to everyone. In my dynamic with Lois, calling her Mistress was a privilege and I think it was because she always wanted me to work for it. She wanted me to always do my absolute best in everything I did, so having to work for this was part of that. In hindsight, she must have thought I deserved it otherwise she would have never brought up that I could try and convince her that I deserved it. The essay I wrote for her was meant for self-reflection, as well as giving her insight into my mind.
The reason why I referred to her as Miss Lois on this blog is because that’s what I called her up until this took place and so it made sense to me to use the same in these blog posts. I might just switch to calling her Lois because that’s what I called her when talking to my friend.
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Very interesting and well written.
Thank you very much
Interesting view
Great insight into the relationship you have and the purposes it serves. Can’t wait to see the upcoming picture of you in a cage
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Dear Marie Louise,
I think this is the first time you have described Miss Lois doing something that didn’t work for you. At other times you have described her pushing you to the breaking point and I have been so impressed by her ability to know how far she could push you and when it was safe to do so. Somehow, it makes her more human that she could make misjudgments, like trying to have you interact with the other submissive. And it makes it sound less like you are putting her on a pedestal (which is a good thing), when you tell us this.
Your essay comes through as very intense, with your stress shining through. It is clear how hard you had to push yourself to write it. It is powerful reading.
I smiled where you wrote that logic works well with you. You have talked before about how you have used logic to talk yourself out of mental health crises. You remind me of the film A Beautiful Mind (spoiler alert), where John Nash suffers hallucinations and among them there is this little girl he has conversations with over years. He finally uses logic to convince himself that she cannot be real, because she never ages. You seem to have the same kind of power to step outside the situation and apply logic, even when you are in crisis, and use it to pull yourself back.
All the best,
Henrik
Ah, really? I thought I had before in that she didn’t understand the dissociation at first. At first she thought she could probably break through it by just telling me to do things and that didn’t work at all at the start. I told her it wouldn’t work and then I proved to be right 😛 It was only when she (and I too) started understanding it better (and especially when she fully understood it, whereas I didn’t yet) that we were able to do the things we have done.
Another time, I think was when she made me squirt every night at 3am. On beforehand, I knew this was going to be a bad idea and probably bad for my mental health (because of the disruption of sleep) but we decided to test it out anyway and in the end, she allowed me to stop because as I had thought, it wasn’t good.
I very much agree that it makes her seem more human. In a way, therefore, I got some pleasure from it, haha.
It’s funny you mention A beautiful mind. Lois suggested this film to me a long time ago as she thought I would be able to relate. When I watched it though, it actually deteriorated my mental health and I never finished it. I might have not been in the right place for it back then.
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