I can describe us with an endless list of songs. I can see her in everything she has ever talked about. She used to be my first thought in the morning and my last thought when I went to bed. She didn’t even leave me in my dreams. She was always there, with me, in my head, but hasn’t been with me for 8 months.
I used to count the minutes after the last time she responded. That turned into hours… days… weeks and eventually months. I remember the date on which we met, the date on which she was sick, the date when we became something and the date when it ended. It is safe to say that I’m devoted, but that’s what she liked about me.
I know love, its intensity and the impact it can have and so it shouldn’t have surprised me when I connected with an actual Mistress, someone I’d been hoping to find for years, that it’d have such a big impact on me. This wasn’t even romantic love… I didn’t want it to be… I cared deeply about her but didn’t want to give my heart until it was safe to do so. I submitted to her and I couldn’t help developing that connection. I did not have much choice in the matter, it just happened. And it happened to her too, I guess.
‘Please don’t stand so close to me I’m having trouble breathing.’ – “You can breathe,” she used to tell me. “Breathe.” ‘You can run you can hide, but sooner or later, nowhere to go, I’m already inside.’ – “We both know I’m already inside your head.” ‘And you know it’s okay, I came to my senses. And I’m all in. I’ve fallen harder than a landslide.’ -Aren’t I the luckiest girl for being able to… ‘For a moment, I’m a poet without words… Speechless because you love me at my worst.’ ‘Your love is my drug, I’ve overdosed, I’m right where I’m supposed to be.’ “Now you’ve found me and I found you,” she said. “I love you.”
“I’m sorry,” were her last words. Just those.
‘You took it back, how could you go and do something like that?’ ‘I’m so frustrated, falling behind, you were a friend of mine.’ –Are you all right? Did something happen? Are you alive? What is going on in your life? ‘Are we just lost in time? I wonder if your love’s the same.’ –Why don’t you care? ‘Louder, louder, the voices in my head. Whispers taunting all the things you said.’ – “Don’t forget how special you are to me.” “I will always want you, that won’t ever change.” ‘I’m not sick of you yet, is that as good as it gets?’ –Why am I still breathing you everywhere I go? ‘I’m trying to let go, not loving you is harder than you know’ –I can’t let you go… ‘You’re the poison in my lungs and my only antidote’ ‘So many questions but I don’t ask why.’ –What happened, why?? Where are you?? ‘And it breaks my heart to love you.’ –Please… ‘Burned out flames should never re-ignite, but I thought you might… Take me, take me, home.’ –Please… ‘Hush hush now’ –You’re never coming back, are you?
“I’m sorry.” Are you?
Does it matter?
Breathe. In time, everything will be alright.
Please note that in the above, sentences quoted in ‘single quotes’ are song lyrics. Sentences quotes in “double-quotes” are the things she said to me. Italicised sentences are my thoughts. I was 19 when I wrote this. I didn’t want to introduce the post because I didn’t want to take away from its emotional value.
I’d met Lisa, a Mistress, on Collarspace when I was 18 and our ‘relationship’ was very intense, for me anyway. She opened up doors I’d kept locked for a long time. She was everything I ever hoped to find and she seemed ecstatic to have found me too. She told me that she thought I might be a slave and I didn’t believe her. Regardless, when she asked me, I ‘officially’ submitted to her. But as you will have gathered from the above, she ended up leaving. She told me the reason why but it was very sudden and we only had an hour or so long conversation. In this conversation, she also said, “Don’t forget how special you are to me,” and, “I will always want you, that won’t ever change.”
I still thought about her sometimes when I got together with my ex. I still thought of her when I first started speaking to Miss Lois. I never thought I’d get over Lisa. She kept haunting me for several years. When I broke up with my ex I wasn’t afraid of the aftermath of feelings because I knew it could never ever be as bad again as when Lisa left me. I struggle to trust people a lot because this happened.
After about two years, I started writing a novel in which I turned her into the main character and imagined what her life was like. She was in a relationship with someone she really loved but an event in her life prevented her from opening up to this person. It felt like if I could re-create her she could become mine, as in my fictional character, and I thought that once I finished I could let it go. I didn’t manage to fully write it, though I tried two times. I then wrote a short story featuring her during my undergrad, but it was only when I got more involved with Miss Lois that I could truly start letting her go.
Very, very rarely I might have a fleeting thought. Is she still alive? Is she happy? Did she survive? I heard from her again two years after she’d left and all I can say is that she didn’t seem okay. I wonder if she hates me or if she has forgotten me at all. In that sense, I guess I’ll never get closure but I will when I finish writing my novel. I’m no longer writing it because of her but it’s what originally inspired the story. Her character is someone completely different now. Her trace is only present in a single plot point.
I believe the reason why I was able to truly write it since last year and currently is because I have let her go and it is my story now. Additionally, rather than focusing on vanilla love only (because I didn’t think literary fiction would take it seriously if I were to include BDSM, as I write literary fiction), I decided that it has to include a D/s relationship and that this, is in fact, essential to who they are as people. The story is about trust, first and foremost and as I’m writing it, I am, alongside it, regaining trust too.
Distance by Christina Perri
Love is a suicide by Natalia Kills
All in by Lifehouse
Speechless by Memphis May Fire
Overdose by The Used
Greener with the Scenery by The Used
Masterpiece Theatre III by Marianas Trench
Harder than you know by Escape the Fate
Haunted by Kelly Clarkson
Lover Dearest by Marianas Trench
Gasoline by The Material
Hush Hush by Avril Lavigne
Sugar by Editors
Home by Daughter