Kinky Fantasies to Help me Fall Asleep

For as long as I can remember I’ve been bad at sleeping. My parents quickly concluded it must be because my dad is a poor sleeper and that I inherited it from him, thanks dad, haha. So at first, when we still had these big massive radios I listened to Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter audiobooks. When I was around nine or ten I was given an old television, which must have seemed harmless, but when you turn on television late at night, you tend to stumble across programs that aren’t exactly PG-rated. It so happened that one night I landed on a sex-documentary in which the presenter tried different things to spice up her sex life as couples struggle to stay sexually active. In this episode, it also so happened that she was going down the fetish route and suddenly I was wide awake.

She went to a sex store which was absolutely packed with all sorts of toys but the real interesting part came when she visited a fetish dungeon. Picture the usual dark, dungeon setting with a Mistress dressed in latex on the foreground. She showed us around, then went into a particular area that looked like a massive closet with big black leather bags hanging from clothes hangers. The camera shot changed and we were now looking at one such bag up close on the table. She unzipped it and a human appeared. She put her hand on his mouth and pinched his nose; breathplay is what her customers came for, apparently. My vagina felt like it was pulsating.

Back in daylight, the presenter gave us a summary about the dungeon, saying that it was a little too extreme for her personal tastes. Instead, she had taken an interest in a kidnapping scenario and she just so happened to be in the forest right now. In fact, she said that her camera crew had been whispering so she was wondering if… And there it was, a white van and two people who tied her hands and blindfolded her put her in the van and then drove off, all shown in a very dramatic way. Okay, I thought, now it’s going to happen. When she gets there, she’s going to be tortured a little! The camera takes us to a mostly empty living room with wooden panels in a lone house; just like the kind of place you’d expect a kidnapper to take you. She’s loosely tied to a wooden chair and her partner slowly starts walking up towards her, the wooden panels creaking with every step he takes. He takes off her blindfold and they make some suggestive jokes before untying her and having great vanilla sex. “I certainly thought this made it that little bit more exciting,” she says afterwards and that’s the end of the documentary. What? That’s it?! Needless to say, I checked out this same channel at the same time next week.

When I had my boyfriend around 11 years old, one of the things that helped me sleep was either imagining us living happily in a temple of the Airbenders in Avatar or by imagining getting tied up and hurt. Once I successfully managed to picture this and play it like a film in my head I felt so peaceful that I could drift off to sleep. But then as I grew older, I stopped being able to believe my fantasies. I was young so I wouldn’t be able to fulfil them and as a result, the imaginations started feeling empty and lost their power.

In the meanwhile, I wasn’t only struggling to fall asleep I also couldn’t stay asleep and if I did, I had many dreams which were often distressing. One recurring theme when I am particularly stressed or anxious is the appearance of massive, massive spiders which you know, I’m terrified of. I also very vividly remember getting shot and can still imagine exactly how it felt to have the bullet go into my chest.

Strangely enough, I’m not too bothered by this dream or any of the others unless they feature spiders. Anything feels better than being awake and feeling depressed and somehow, I am intrigued that I’ve been able to experience getting shot without having been in any actual danger. However, over time my poor sleep and the stressful dreams start taking a toll and I become afraid of going to sleep. I remember way too many dreams and I’ve written some down, but it’s often boring to read other people’s dreams so feel free to skip them. They don’t have a lot of relevance.

Even if you haven’t read one of the dreams above, I imagine the titles tells you quite a bit. Another thing that happens to me, which I’m sure must be familiar to you all to some extent, is feeling like you have a memory of an event which then turns out to be a dream. For example, I thought my dad had moved houses for six months until Christmas came up and I asked them about their new address. Sometimes I also think I’ve already been to my meeting or like I have already lived today, feeling as if that was yesterday, while I have not, in fact yet done any of those things.

Mostly though, I feel like I’m plagued by dreams, which leaves me feeling exhausted and for years I’ve had no idea what it still feels like to, not have this. I have been diagnosed with insomnia and a little over two years ago I stopped being able to fall asleep at all and I mean at all. People tell me to nap during the day or that I should close my eyes even if I can’t sleep but these things don’t work or help me. I have tried herbal tea, sleep tea, less screen time, sticking to a sleep pattern (which I still do because I need it), melatonin and probably every other thing one might suggest. I wake up from a lot of sounds, including the rain and I often have to force myself to go back to sleep despite dreams, simply because I know I need it. It feels like it takes more effort to sleep than it is to be awake. When I stopped being able to sleep at all, the doctors eventually gave me sleeping pills, which are not addictive and have given me no negative side effects (quetiapine, which is an atypical antipsychotic to treat schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and major depressive disorder, but which has the side effect of drowsiness).

When I was younger I did have good dreams sometimes. Once, a girl from my football team was tying my hands to the feet of the kitchen table and my legs to something on the other side of the room. I have also very briefly dreamed of being used, hurt and everything by my Mistress in a hostel as I was terrified when people in the hallway walked past. I think I started feeling a bit more peaceful when things with Lois felt stable, though I was never able to fully fantasise like I have in the past. When I was in contact with Lisa, another Mistress from the past, she helped me sleep by putting fantasies in my head. I remember she said there are many ways in which she could help me sleep, by comforting me in her arms for example, or by making me pleasure her as her sex toy, or by using a flogger to turn my whole body, from neck down to the soles of my feet red so that the aftermath would leave me drained and I couldn’t help but fall asleep. Or maybe, she said, she could kiss me and share her breath with me while she’d hold my throat until my body would start struggling for air until consciousness would slip from me. I remember this so well because imagining all of that helped me sleep very well, haha. But as of now, I think I’m too afraid that my fantasies or dreams will never come true and that it is worse to feel that need and desire while not getting it than not thinking about it at all. Luckily, my medication is a sure way to help me fall asleep now.

My dreams, however, I wish I could do something about them. They obviously have to do with my emotions or some sort of trauma I haven’t yet processed and recently it’s become clear that they very much intensify when Mum contacts me. Over the last few weeks, there hasn’t been a night that I don’t wake up in sweat but rather than it happening just once, it’s just been like this for the entirety of the night. It feels like there is literally no point in taking a shower before bed (which is my preferred time to take a shower), but alas. I’m sure this period will pass and things will become a bit calmer again.

Perhaps the key is also finding peace within myself. Between halfway January and over February, I didn’t sleep all that badly. I only had about three reasonably stressfree dreams a night and felt quite rested in the morning. I think this had to do with the fact that I’m starting to love myself more and more, as (if you read the chocked by my own shadow dream), one could also suggest that I’m the one plaguing me. I also hope that if I can allow myself to fantasise I could use kink to help me sleep better and perhaps that will be possible once I feel safe knowing that it’s accessible to me in real life. Maybe I should try it out right now.

Xx ML

Check out the SB4MH Insomnia prompt and the other entries.