I Don’t Want to Win

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Following up on my anticipating my first caning post, I want to go a little bit deeper into my ‘I don’t want to win’ statement by going back to the time I spent with Miss Lois.

As happened quite often… (more often than I thought, looking back) I was having a few depressive days again. These would often end up in breakdowns, which I can best describe as being at my lowest point, feeling like I want to kill myself. Sometimes I’d have these 3 times a week or several times a day. For me, life was, and quite often still is a constant fight.

Back then, Miss Lois pointed out that I often wrote things like, “No one should be living like this, why do I have to live with this,” and then said that they were understandable questions and that it wasn’t fair and that I knew I had to go on. She observed that I force myself and push through but torture myself for having the negative thoughts and feelings because to me it feels like feeling like that is my fault. Feeling it makes me ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ or a failure in that I simply can’t be okay and am therefore a bother or a burden for the rest of the world, even if I keep all of this to myself.

So instead, she suggested, that I should try and think: I have this and I have to deal with it but I don’t have to suffer for having it. Suffering from having it is enough because having it does not make me a victim nor a villain. It’s just what it is. I’m not a bad person for having it, nor an exceptionally good one. Instead of using the energy to blame myself, I should use it to get better.

She added that she wasn’t saying that it was easy or that I was doing it wrong, but she was trying to find a way that could help me make it all a little easier. We talked about this for a little while and when my mind seemed to be a bit more at ease (which she must have noticed?) she asked me about the new shoes that had arrived, which she had told me to order.

But then our conversation drifted back to talking about my view on the world, as well as hers and we talked about stigmatisation. I pointed out that in the past, people had told me to ‘man up’ and get myself together.

She said she’d been guilty of that sometimes, but I thought everyone had been, at least once. And she pointed out that it was a perception thing.

This is a silly example, but it’ll portray the point, I think… If a group of children is climbing a mountain on a school trip (does this happen? Idk? I’m making this up as I go, lol) and there is one kid that is a little overweight, which causes him to stay behind, his friends might tell him to stop whining and hurry up already. It’s so easy for them that they can’t imagine why he would be struggling and put it down as him being ‘whiny’ rather than genuinely struggling.

What Miss Lois was saying made perfect sense to me. After all, we’re all on different timelines in terms of learning, so to say. When we’re younger (like in the example above), we haven’t yet developed enough empathy to recognise these things. But then as we grow up, we tend to realise that things are relative, which means we can be more compassionate towards others.

So as I was agreeing, I went into an example of the most annoying girl in my class who seemed to think the world revolved around her. I said that I somewhat resented her for the things she complains about, like (“Oh my god what am I going to do? My friend cancelled on me, life is horrible I can’t cope,” while on that same evening my flatmates locked me out of the house and I had to call the police, which she was aware of. Though she’s the worst (jk), she was still facing that struggle, her struggle, and still had to learn how to deal with that.

Miss Lois and I agreed that the best way to deal with the situation was to simply let her be, knowing that I didn’t have to like her or to be friends with her. So I said,

Me: “In [insert name] case the answer is: avoid. In capitals.
Although it seemed silly to put it in actual capital letters.”

Miss Lois: “You see, putting it in capitals would be a rather aggressive stance. She is irritating, so avoid. No reason to AVOID.”

Me: “See, it was more meant for the funny dramatics. I mean, overdramatising to make a joke out of it.”

Miss Lois: “Ok, haha.”

And just like that, the mood had changed. The cloud above my head evaporated.

Me: “I tend to make jokes like that…”

Miss Lois: “That’s OK, not everyone can be funny.”

Me: “How dare you. [My uni friend] thinks I’m hilarious.”

Miss Lois: “I find her hilarious in a non very pc way.”

Me: “That sentence makes literally no sense to me. Non very pc way?”

I didn’t get it, lol. I didn’t realise what non-pc meant, which I’m sure I don’t have to tell you means non-political correct way. So after learning that I asked if pc wasn’t also a computer. I don’t know why I put that in a question because yes, it is, duh.

Miss Lois: “Depends on the context.”

But then I googled it and it said that pc means personal computer.

Miss Lois: “Google definitely personalises our results.”

(How dare it.) 

So then we each shared the definitions we found and I concluded that she’d been right.

Miss Lois: “It depends on the context.”

Me: “Well yes, Miss.”

(Duh??) 

Miss Lois: “Can you fix my pc”

Me: “Literally facepalming right now.”

And then she said that she had to go to bed. And then she added…

Miss Lois: “And I am looking forward to seeing you in those shoes and your outfit.”

(Thanks for the reminder… did not want to think about that.)

Me: “Specific day?”

Miss Lois: “I was expecting tomorrow, as we delayed it from today due to snow and not wanting to ruin your other heels.”

(T-tomorrow? 🙁 I need more of a heads up. Anxiety!!)

Me: “What if… anxiety?”

Miss Lois: “Sounds like a really hard day for you then, walking around anxious that someone might find your heels and completely opaque tights offensive.”

(🙃😭)

Me: “Are you serious haha. We were just talking about how things are like relative!”

Miss Lois: “I have never said I’m good at all this relative thinking.”

Me: “And that is an excuse why?”

Miss Lois: “You see, the good thing is I don’t need excuses 🙂”

(Do you have any idea how rare it was for her to use emojis) 

Me: “Where is the logic in that!”

Miss Lois: “Same logic as someone getting extremely wet by putting wasabi on their clit.”

(😳😳😳❤😳)

Now there is a point in sharing all of this, other than revealing my remarkable humour to you (sarcasm all the way). I don’t want to win. I always win when I talk to other people in these sorts of lighthearted conversations.

I absolutely dreaded the idea of having to wear the outfit the next day. My anxiety is very real and I wished she hadn’t set me this task, but the fact she decided that it was happening anyway is what I wanted her to do; I imagine that some of my submissive readers can relate to this.

But even if we forget about the task, I like that we could have this conversation and that she’d push back until I’m like… ok, you win. It doesn’t really matter what she said because she had the ‘upper hand’ but still.

Before going to bed, she also said:

Miss Lois: “When you get anxious, try to map it to the feeling you have when you are in really bad pain for me. Laugh.”

(Laughing is how I cope. lol)

The following morning at 10:02 AM:

Me: “I’m panicking… so should I try and laugh about it?”

I sure was in a better mood since our conversation the night before. I managed to wear the heels though I was terrified throughout.

Reliving this makes me happy. I don’t think I can see anything of the past as a loss as it only brought me good things. Let’s hope the new year brings something or someone? new!

Xx Marie Louise

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