Forcing a Dildo Inside

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You may have noticed TmuT wasn’t updated last Tuesday and I haven’t been reading other peoples blogs or writing much myself. I’ll get back to it. I’m just having a bit of a stressful time right now. TmuT will be updated again next Tuesday. 

(Please keep in mind that this post was written a full year ago before the time of publishing.)

The longer I was in this dynamic, the more I started thinking about and being proactive in pleasing Lois. To stimulate my sex drive and ability to feel pleasure when orgasming, the rule of not being able to touch myself without permission had been disbanded a long time ago. However, when I touched myself, especially when I started enjoying it I felt like I should at the very least share this with Miss Lois, so she could enjoy it too and I started doing this by recording it on video.

I have mentioned forced orgasms a few times now and on a random day, I felt like giving them to myself again. I also decided to film it for the reason mentioned above, which turned into a 45-long minute video.

I shared it with her and when she came online she told me to tell her at which times I had orgasmed. What…? But… You want me to watch myself? And would I even be able to tell when I orgasmed? I mean, I do make a lot of noise when I am really sensitive, which means I don’t necessarily have to be having an orgasm.

I tried to watch the first 8 minutes, convinced that I had orgasmed twice by then but I couldn’t find the right moment and I couldn’t really stand watching it. Lois had already gone offline again and I suggested I let my best friend do it for me, lol.

Lois: “That is not acceptable,” was her first message when she came back online.

Shit…

Me: “I’m sorry, Mistress.”

Lois: “Fix it.”

Uuughh. I didn’t want to watch or hear myself. Plus, my friend had already found some of my orgasms, lol. I used the ones he found and added 2, meaning I had four and missed out on one.

She then asked me how I was doing and I mentioned that I would have to leave in about 2 hours because of a football match.

Lois: “Are you at home alone?”

I was and was going to be for a full two weeks, woo!

Lois: “Go on cam now.”

I was lying in bed and had been woken up by her message that said “this is not acceptable” and wasn’t exactly much of a person yet. I scrambled up and left my bed to turn on some lights, then turned on the cam and her first comment was…

Lois: “Did you just wake up?”

It’s that obvious huh…

She asked me if I had shaved, which I hadn’t and then asked me why I hadn’t. I wasn’t sure. I know I should have the evening prior because I was taking a bath and was supposed to every time I took a shower or a bath. I had been feeling too cold and bad, mentally, to do it but that wasn’t an excuse.

Lois: “Show me.”

Erm… definitely embarrassing and uncomfortable. A punishment followed later.

Today was a bit different from usual because my mental health hadn’t been doing very well but it had been a long while since I felt insecure or nervous in this sense when being on cam and talking to Lois. She asked me if I was wet, which I wasn’t because I was worried and she wanted to know why I was.

It had to do with knowing that I wouldn’t be able to be of any use to her today because I would have to leave for my football match fairly soon. I know she wouldn’t expect me to stay to talk to her instead – in fact, she never allowed me to do that, but I still feel guilty. Plus, in order to be able to watch the video, I had to go numb, which never helps in terms of being a person one can communicate with.

Lois: “What are you?”

Me: “A slave Mistress.”

Lois: “What does that mean?”

I knew what she was doing. She was trying to break it down to something more simple to take my worries away. I knew it could help if I just accepted it. It always had in the past, but at the same time, I didn’t know if it was enough.

Me: “That I do what you tell me and don’t have to worry about anything else, Mistress?”

Lois: “It means it doesn’t matter if you worry or not. You are a slave and you do as you are told. The worry is of no consequences. Neither to me or to you. It is there and sometimes you can’t make it go away and you have to accept it as it is. It doesn’t change who or what you are.”

I guess reading that did help and I thanked her. She asked me again what I was, as well as what my purpose was. I guess this had become a really good grounding technique, really. She then told me to get some dirty underwear. (While I no longer wore underwear during the day, I did at night because for some reason I struggle to sleep when I don’t, lol.)

She told me to put it in my mouth, which she could see on cam, of course, and then told me to add a smaller one like a thong to fill my cheeks some more. Then I had to wrap the tape a few times around my head and mouth to keep it in.

Lois: “How does that feel?”

Me: “Very uncomfortable, Mistress.”

It was weird because it sort of locked my head/neck in a certain position as well.

Lois: “Good.”

Me: “I would smile but I can’t, haha.”

She really was all business and no friendly talking today though, as she just wanted to know if I was wet now, which I was. I knew I had been aroused when I put the underwear in and the tape must have added some more. Then she told me to put the dildo in my cunt.

I thought there was no chance I’d be able to do this. I thought back of trying to push the vibrator inside and only felt a sense of fear. This dildo was definitely bigger than the vibrator had been and that hadn’t been successful.

Very slowly, I brought the dildo closer to my entrance, carefully feeling my opening with my finger first.

Lois: “I didn’t say gently get there and take your time. I said put it in.”

I couldn’t really help it… I couldn’t just push this inside I…
I tried to force it and it hurt and I pulled it back out. I tried it again and the same thing happened.

Lois: “Put it in. Your pain is of no consequence.”

I tried it again. Same thing.

Me: “I can’t Mistress.”

She told me to use lube but I was thinking: well how is that going to make a difference? It’s not going to change the size of this thing!

I got the lube and it made it a tiny little bit easier but… I mean, my opening already protested against my single finger pushing its way inside. And with every new attempt, it started protesting more. The dildo could barely even find the opening because it was so big and my opening so small.

Okay… I thought. Just push it in, it’s fine. I forced it again, pushing it in further this time, past the first point of pain but then it hit another point of pain which was much, much worse and I could not and pulled it out. I was kind of crying by now.

All I could think was how I was failing and how I couldn’t do this.

Lois: “You can also put it up your arse instead.”

I didn’t even feel relieved reading that. This was going to hurt a lot, still and I doubted whether I could get this size inside of my ass anyway. But I had no excuse not to do this. I feel like with my vagina I seriously cannot do certain things but I don’t have that with my ass.

I managed to get it in and pushed it as far as I thought I could. Of course, she said it wasn’t in deep enough, so I pushed it in some more until it hit this really painful spot, different from the painful spot in the vagina, but too painful for me to handle it.

She wanted me to lay on my back so she could see how deep it was in and asked me how deep I thought it was in.

I didn’t know? Like… it was in and it hurt. That’s all I knew!

She told me to get my wand and my stilettos, which I automatically put on because that’s always what she wanted me to do.

Lois: “No, don’t put them on. Put one of the heels in your cunt, all the way.”

I knew I could do that as I had done it before and also the heel is the size of a finger, really, just a bit longer. But I still dreaded the sharpness of inserting it because heels aren’t as nice and rounded as fingers or vibrators are. It was very doable to push through the pain though.

I don’t know how to describe what I feel when I am filled like that. Pushing it in all the way is… interesting? I don’t like it perse. I don’t hate it either? I think. Am not sure.

She wanted me to push the dildo in a bit further again. I tried, but I don’t know if I was successful?

There was about half an hour left before I would have to leave to eat some food before leaving for my match 15 minutes later. She told me to use the wand in the shoe to make myself come… so, the shoe was covering my vagina/clit because of the heel being inserted all the way.

Immediately I thought, this isn’t possible. This is never going to work. I need proper stimulation and with things inserted I am even less likely to come. Yet, I simply said, “yes, Mistress.”

Miss Lois: “If you don’t manage by the time you have to leave you will wear your long boots with heels and a skirt and foundation to go to your football match.”

I had so many worried thoughts in response to that but just had to accept it. That’s how this worked. I knew that this meant I couldn’t fail either way because she’d be happy with either outcome, even if I wouldn’t be with the latter outcome.

Me: “Yes, Mistress.”

Maybe this just meant I had to work really hard to come. It should be possible… right? Is it? I felt no stimulation whatsoever. The only thing the wand on my shoe did was make the heel and dildo inside of me more painful, though the heel was definitely the worst.

When the pain became worse I started making noises and I guess noise sometimes indicates that one comes close to an orgasm, but that wasn’t the case.

I turned the wand off and threw it away.

Me: “Can’t.”

Lois: “Looked like you came close.”

I explained I hadn’t. I took the heel and the dildo out and threw each of them separately to another side of my room. I had kind of turned into an ‘I’m so done with all of this teenager?’ except, rather than rebellion, it came from a feeling of failure regarding myself. I felt like I failed at this whole insertion thing, especially because I had also failed the other time, which felt quite recent in my memory. Additionally, I knew I couldn’t dress up like she wanted me to. I was in no state to be able to, already feeling like I was on the point of breaking down. In fact, I was breaking down. I hadn’t really stopped crying.

Lois: “Ok, well, you know what that means.
I did enjoy this. You are a very good and willing slave. A pleasure. But I have to go now. “

Finally, she showed that she cared about me again today and that I was making her happy, but it came a bit too late. I had already typed this before I had seen what she’d said.

Me: “Maybe you should find a different slave is what I feel like, Mistress.”

I don’t know how I had reached the point of suddenly feeling that insecure again. It had been months since I’d felt it in regards to being her slave.

Lois: “Why would I want a different slave? You are a very good slave.”

Me: “Cause I can’t do these things, Mistress and I feel useless.”

Lois: “You are not useless at all. I didn’t really expect you to come. Too much buffer with the shoe.”

Me: “And I feel to anxious to wear that outfit so I’m about to-”

I couldn’t finish that sentence. I was about to disobey her? I was about to not do it? I was about to disregard what she’d said. This made everything that much worse.

I was fully breaking down, really. And while I always tried to hide this for her in the past, never wanting to be on camera during, I couldn’t… I just didn’t care anymore. I was done. I couldn’t cope with these feelings.

Lois: “You will do just fine, you always do fine. You have come so far and you have made such progress. A hiccup here or there is nothing in the big picture. You have ‘failed’ before and did it matter? To your development?”

Me: “I guess not, Mistress.”

Lois: “Exactly. Failing is a part of it all and you are very good at developing and getting better. Of course, it is scary to fail but it is not the end of the world or your journey. It’s just one more experience.”

I tried to explain why I couldn’t handle wearing that outfit but started by saying that I didn’t want her to tell me not to. This wasn’t an appeal trying to change her mind and if I was going to fail then I was going to and would have to face the consequences of that, mentally and possibly physically if/when she’d punish me for it.

She said that we’d discuss this another time, obviously conscious of the time.

Lois: “You will be fine. You have become this excellent slave who is confident in her abilities. This will not change that. Relax.”

I thanked her and she wished me a good day and to enjoy myself. I did what I always do, I flick the switch and turn into a composed person that can somehow pretend to deal with the situation. I dressed in my football kit, rushed to the kitchen to eat something, packed my bag and left. My day turned out to be alright and over the next two days, I crawled out of this feeling of insecurity, wondering how I had ever managed to get those thoughts.

Xx ML

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