(Please keep in mind that this post was written a full year ago before the time of publishing.)
Lois came online unexpectedly and I was so happy because I was free and no one was home! Maybe we’d finally be able to do a session again?
She said that she thought I needed a new mask and that sparked a thought I’d been thinking about a few days ago. In the past, I had disliked titles and name-calling of a submissive (like personally) and while this had changed while being trained by her, I had always stayed a bit reluctant about the slave name she used for me. But recently I had started feeling like this name was right and that it didn’t matter and that it was good that she wanted to claim that kind of ‘ownership’ over me. But halfway through explaining this, I started feeling insecure about it, as I felt like I had changed the course of the conversation and didn’t think this was all that important.
Me: “This was just a random through it doesn’t really matter Mistress. Why do you think I need a new mask?”
Lois: “If something matters is not up to you.”
Shit, shit. I could have known. I was doing it again. Thinking I had the power to change the conversation.
Me: “Yes, Mistress. I’m sorry.”
It’s the worst thing to realise my mistake immediately after she has responded. It’s kind of like as if I were slipping down a slide but try to desperately crawl back up so I don’t slide down it. But of course, the slide wins.
Lois: “Nothing is up to you when you are talking to me. Not unless I explicitly tell you it is.”
I knew exactly what she meant. I knew exactly what I’d done wrong, again. By saying something like this to her I implied (even without meaning to, perse) that I have some power here. Like I affect what she’ll do or think or how she’ll behave because of what I’m saying. And while that’s not at all what I intend to do, if I think about it, that’s exactly what saying something like that implies.
I think I do it because I feel insecure in some way? Generally speaking, I might bring up a topic to whomever and then add ‘but it doesn’t really matter’ to sort of, ease the blow in case the other person thinks what I’m saying is stupid or something? Or I do it because if someone isn’t interested, then I want them to know that it’s okay and they don’t have to pretend to be interested for me / I don’t want to be a bother. I know it’s kind of silly of me to do this. There are reasons, of course, but it’s not up to me to decide whether another person is or isn’t interested in what I’m telling them. And it certainly isn’t when I’m talking to Miss Lois, ha..ha…
I tend to respond less well when I have made the same mistake twice or even more than that. But for some reason, this mistake also feels like one that is worse compared to others. I’m not sure why, but I feel really ashamed of doing this. I hadn’t slept well the night before either so I was a bit more susceptible to my worries, and I went down into some anxious, self-hating spiral quite immediately.
She asked me if I felt like I had failed her, which was the case, of course. And I added that I didn’t know how to cope with it. But she pointed out that I did know, which was true, also. I could cope with it by suffering for her because that makes me feel like I am making up for my sins and deserve to be forgiven. However, my spiral continued. It’s hard to stop once it has started and she told me to tell her exactly what was going on in my head… so she got a step by step narrated version of my conflicting thoughts, lol.
However, even when I spiral nowadays, I have the ability to get out of it. I go from being overwhelmed by my feelings to having a completely blank mind. Once I get to the stage of having a blank mind, I need to distract myself, anything to keep the thoughts away. Once I successfully manage to distract myself I can slowly bring myself back down to earth and allow some feelings back in.
After talking this over for a bit, she told me to find something painful to put in my long boots. Something painful… like stones? There didn’t seem to be the right type of small stones near my house so I looked at some small clamps that would probably hurt to stand on but that didn’t seem entirely right either. Then I thought of the pin pads that I’d made in the past. I secretly hoped she wouldn’t pick them, but I also knew they were probably just what she was looking for… and so…
Lois: “They’re good. Attach them under your heels so you have all the weight on your toes.”
I honestly didn’t register it was meant so my weight would be on my toes as I was dreading the pins too much. She added that she wanted me to put my hold-ups over them, and then the boots, which would definitely ensure the pads would stay where they were supposed to be.
Lois: “We will try a new punishment today.”
She asked me how much punishment I thought I deserved today and I never know the answer to a question like this. I don’t have perimeters for this because I always feel like I have done the absolute worst no matter what I have actually done. I explained to her that I felt like I deserved a lot but that I thought this was a very vague answer to give, but that I didn’t know beyond that.
Lois: “I want you to lock your hands together and use the time lock to attach them over your head on the curtain rails so you can’t get them off before the timer runs out.”
I could instantly feel my own arousal as she took absolute control (no more asking opinions from me for a while). It was the fact that she wanted me to be locked in for a while, and it gave me a slight feeling of positive fear.
Lois: “And for you to attach clamps to your nipples and vagina.”
And then I felt a lot more fear, lol, thinking, she ‘hates me’ aaahh, why the clamps. And on my vagina as well as my nipples?? I swallowed and put myself together. Ok, I have to do this. It’s fine. I can do this. Just start getting all the things…
She asked me if I could make a video while also staying on webcam at the same time. I tried it and it worked. This video can, in fact, be purchased on my clips4sale here or get in touch with me elsewhere.
Me: “Binder clips, right, Mistress?”
Lois: “Yes. How long can you cope with them on?”
Erm… Erm… I didn’t know? How long had I coped with them the last time? I knew I’d had them on my nipples for probably 2 hours before, but the after effect had been so bad that Lois started being more careful about using them and I fully supported that decision.
Me: “I don’t know Mistress, it has been a while.”
Lois: “I asked a question and expect a reply.”
I swallowed. I was messing up again, already, lol. And I also felt aroused, because… well, I was just to do what she said. No more talking back. Yet, I didn’t know. How could I make this decision? It needed to be long enough to be a proper punishment, but couldn’t be too long to pass my limits, but what was my limit? And, I was choosing the time… It would all be on me. I was going to cause myself the amount of time of my suffering!
Me: “30 minutes, Mistress.”
Lois: “Ok, find a way to make it work and I want to be able to see you on the webcam. I might have to drop off, but in that case, there is the video.”
Ugh… so I might have to be suffering here on my own…? It’s okay, she’ll still enjoy it. And there will indeed be the video and I need to do this punishment to get rid of my guilt. It really doesn’t matter if she is watching or not, as she’d be watching for her own pleasure which has nothing to do with me.
I tested the set up and told her I could make it work.
Lois: “Good, I want to be able to see your full body. Heels and head.”
I moved the laptop and titled the screen somewhat.
Lois: “Lower. A little higher. That is good.”
She asked me how my feet were doing and how wet I was. The ever classic question! I was very wet, and my feet hurt. I expected her to say “good” in response to my hurt feet, ha, which she did. I suggested adding a light near my feet so that they’d be more visible, which she liked.
Lois: “Ok, put two clamps on your nipples and one on each side of your cunt. Then set the timer to 35 minutes and lock yourself.”
35 minutes, I thought. That must mean I chose a good time because she barely added anything. And also… 35 minutes… Oh god… Setting it up, I struggled a little bit. I think I was already feeling a little high on my submissive feelings, which meant I was a little dazzled and needed to find my focus. Luckily, I am quite good at forcing myself to stay focused, but my hand was certainly shaking and hesitating before putting on the clamps.
I told myself to just do it. I often put these things on very slowly and gradually, but sometimes it’s good to rip off the band-aid and I knew it would be the same with these. I started with my labia, knowing that I always have to recover for a few seconds when I put binder clips on my nipples. It hurt a lot applying the first clamp, but I was surprised that I could cope fairly well enough to put the other one on fairly soon after. I then paused for a second, preparing myself for the next step. Yet, I knew I should get myself locked in as soon as possible so I wouldn’t have to spend even more time wearing these.
I couldn’t contain my ‘I’m in agony noise’ when I let go of the binder clip and it squashed my nipple. I bent over forwards and reached for my nipple, but couldn’t do anything but just deal with it. I took a few seconds to recover before putting on the second.
The next step was the chain. It’s really quite difficult to get the lock through the chain when the chain has to be wrapped around both wrists and limits your hand’s movements. It felt like it was taking way too long, not least because the longer this took me the longer I’d be wearing the clamps. Come on, come on. Just lock in place, please.
I got it in and pressed the button. It counted down from 5 and then locked with a final beep… I was stuck and glanced over at the screen, feeling a rush of embarrassment because I was so vulnerable and here because of my own mistake. And she was watching all of this.
I was still getting used to the situation, was moving my arms around a bit and testing how much weight I could put on my heels when I heard a ping. I saw that she’d messaged me but my laptop was too far away for me to be able to read the message.
Does she know I can’t read it? I worried that she told me to do something. What was she saying?
Another ping. Another message.
My eyes darted to the phone on my desk, which was also completely out of reach. I looked at the laptop screen again and attempted to see if I really couldn’t read what she’d said. Of course, I couldn’t. The letters are tiny on their own. There was no way. I decided to just ignore it. I needed to last right now. It was fine. Waiting 30 minutes to read a message wasn’t that long, right…?
My feet hurt and the pins were stinging but I could sort of cope with it. I’m quite good at dealing with pain on my feet, I think. Maybe I shouldn’t say things like this in case a Mistress might want to test this and prove me wrong, lol. I was very surprised though, by how quickly it felt taxing on my arms to have them above my head like this. After 5 minutes, my muscles already felt sore. Is that a sign that I should be hitting the gym?
The thought occurred to me that Lois would probably enjoy seeing my confused and slightly worried expression at my inability to read her messages. She might be doing it on purpose.
I tried to adjust my arms as I had been holding on to the chain with my hands, which made it more comfortable but it also didn’t help that much. I kept moving them, trying to find a better position but to no avail. At the same time, my back hurt a bit or felt tired from standing in this position, as the railing hung above my radiator, where I stood in front, meaning my position wasn’t entirely straight. I tried moving my feet but doing so meant I lifted my heels slightly and it hurt a lot to put my weight back on the pins.
As time passed, I couldn’t help moving my feet, however. The position was too uncomfortable but moving did was put me in more pain because of the pins. I tried to pull myself up a bit by the chain but that hurt my arms more so that wasn’t a solution either. And then she sent another message and my glance went back and forth from my laptop screen to my phone. What was she saying?!
All this time I had been distracted by my position, my arms, my feet and my back, but probably halfway through, the pain of the clamps came back into play. And the more and more time passed, the ones on my labia especially started burning.
I tried to readjust my arms again and looked up at the chain. Wait, maybe I can look at the timer. Maybe it can tell me how much time’s left! And it did! I had a vague thought that this might be cheating? But also I’d seen it now. 20 minutes left. I wasn’t even halfway…
After a little while longer she sent me another message. Why?? I want to know what you’re saying…! The clamps were really starting to hurt and the realisation that I was really going to struggle to last settled. And the pins under my heels, nor my arms felt like they were doing any better. I checked the timer again and there were 10 minutes left.
Minutes passed away so incredibly slowly. I tried to find a distraction in my room, anything that could help me pass the time. I started reading all the titles of the novels on my bookshelf, hoping this would take me at least 2 to 3 minutes, but when I checked the timer barely any time had passed.
Come on, come on, you can do this. You’re fine. It doesn’t hurt. My labia is fine.
The lies we tell ourselves… haha!
I went over the book titles again, adding in the authors this time, although not all text was big enough for me to read. I tried to do it more slowly and when I checked the timer again there were 4 minutes left and I couldn’t believe how much longer I still had to last and how slow these seconds were ticking by.
Just four more minutes and I’ll be able to take the clamps off. Just four more minutes…
I started ‘singing’ Troye Sivan’s ‘Animal’ in my head. I knew the song lasted about 4 minutes so if I could distract myself by ‘singing’ it, I would be able to get through the last minutes of being locked in this.
‘I told you something safe. Something I never said before. And I, I, I, I Can’t keep my hands off you…’
It’s hurting so much. Please time, please pass!
‘I want you all to myself. Won’t leave none for nobody else. I am an animal with you. No angles can beckon me back. It’s hotter than hell where I’m at. I am an animal with you.’
I thought of the time this song came out and how I’d shown some lyrics to Lois. I’d said that they reconciled with me, in relation to her a little bit and I regarded to the ‘I told you something safe. Something I never said before.’ bit, as she was the first person to really uncover my kinky truth, as well as the first person I shared that side of me with.
‘And as the days fly by. We’ll be more than getting through, yeah. And in time, time, time, we’ll build a home for two.’
And then I felt too exhausted to continue the song. It had required me a lot of focus to read the book titles too when I wasn’t truly interested as my situation was too distracting if you want to put it nicely.
There was still a minute left! A minute can’t last that long surely. It’s okay. Just one minute left. Just one minute.
I looked at the timer again at the 40-second mark, then the 20-second mark, and then urged myself to not look again. It took three times as long for the timer to release me than I expected the 20 seconds to take. But then finally, finally, it beeped and I could press the release button!
I untangled my hands from the chain, then very un-elegantly let it fall, and nearly hurt myself doing so. A smile passed my lips as I couldn’t help but laugh at myself and feel embarrassed because I knew she could see this.
I sort of crawled over to my laptop and while I almost automatically tiptoed over to release pressure off my heels, I didn’t. On the other side of the room, I sort of squatted to read her messages instead of sitting down as she had explicitly told me I wasn’t allowed to. I could finally read her messages! Which had been the following,
Lois: “You are going to be in a lot of pain.
I like that a lot.
And I keep writing to you and you can’t read it, which will make you wonder what I am writing, which will add to the punishment.
I think this will be really tough.
Maybe I am wrong, but I think 35 minutes like that will be a good punishment.
I love it already.”
I felt like blushing and couldn’t help smile also. Of course, you would do this!!
When I got to my laptop she asked me how I was feeling.
Me: “In pain Mistress.”
Lois: “How wet are you?”
“Am I allowed to take the clamps off please, Mistress?
Very wet Mistress.”
Lois: “Not yet. Make yourself cum and collect squirt in a bowl or similar, if you squirt.”
She wanted me to do what? I mean… I had thought about how she might want me to orgasm afterwards but… She must also know I couldn’t, surely? Maybe that’s why she wanted me to. My suffering wasn’t over yet. She was enjoying this too much…
To be continued in part 2.