(Please keep in mind that this post was written a full year ago before the time of publishing.)
I’m someone who suffers quite badly from social anxiety. For most of my life, anxiety has tried to stop me from doing things and in response, I have tried my best not to do that. Over the years, I took slow steps and overcame a lot of my fears even if the anxiety itself didn’t go but high up on the list of terrifying things were still presentations. So, naturally, I thought it’d be a good idea to teach an English class to teens as a first step to get over it. However, on the day, I wanted to shoot myself. Why did I put myself in situations like this?
The class would be in the morning and I’d been pacing back and forth in my room when 30 minutes before I had to leave, Lois came online. She didn’t say anything; I just noticed and was hoping she wouldn’t actually start a conversation. But 5 minutes later she messaged saying “Hello slave,” which often just doesn’t mean we’re about to have a casual conversation either. She asked me how I was feeling, which was partially stressed and anxious and partially detached. The natural question that followed was why so I told her I had to give this class in less than an hour.
She said that I’d do fine and that she’d made me so much better than I had been.
Lois: “You are a better person than the person who learned to fear these things.”
Me: “You are right Mistress, but maybe a teacher is just not a thing I should pursue. Maybe that’s just one step too far.”
I then explained that I wasn’t afraid of not being capable, as I knew that I had the knowledge. I had prepared it well, knew what I was talking about and I knew how to teach/hold a presentation in theory. But I was afraid of my automatic defence mechanism.
When I am put in social anxiety-inducing situations my dissociating defence mechanism is automatically activated, which means that my mind goes blank and I become useless, unable to even remember what I was supposed to say.
I concluded that I just had to keep that from happening. Easy, right? lol.
Lois: “You are not allowed to let that happen.
I own your mind. I made your mind as it is today and I do not allow you to go blank.”
I really appreciated that she said that. At the same time, I wasn’t sure if that was enough. While Lois could overrule a lot of my thoughts and feelings and controlled a lot of me, we hadn’t quite gotten to the point where she could overrule my anxiety. I wanted to give her that control but you know my anxiety isn’t in my control either; it controls me, lol.
I shared the worries again and also thanked her for saying it after which she just reiterated what she’d said. The repeat did help and I re-read it over and over to get it stuck in my brain.
I mentioned that I was supposed to do teach the exact same class the following day and she replied saying: “You are not only supposed to. You will.”
Which… yeah… I mean… she was right. I laughed saying how that meant my migraine excuses were now off the table!
I showed her what I was going to wear. I’d applied some subtle eye-shadow and mascara and was wearing heels. It was quite an interesting decision to wear heels, as I still felt a bit insecure about wearing them sometimes. Why would I wear them now, when I was already putting myself in an anxiety-inducing situation? I had felt like maybe heels would give me some confidence and could help remind me of another thing Lois had tried to instil in me a long time ago. “Fake it till you make it.”
She liked the outfit, but also couldn’t see that I was wearing heels on the picture (and I hadn’t said) as they were black and my carpet is a dark blue.
Lois: “I am wondering if you should wear your old heels to remind you of what I told you.
How wet are you now?”
Ha! I was one step ahead of her with the heels, hehe. I was a little wet by that point and asked her if it would be better if I wore my hair in a ponytail instead, to which she said yes.
I was about to say that I had to leave now and that I’d let her know how it went when I checked the schedule again and realised that I was an hour early… I only had to be there for 11.30, not 10.30. Just when I had felt semi-ready for this…
Lois: “Put your new dress and stilettos on and go on webcam.”
Lol… The thought went through my head of whether I was able to do this right now… something kinky just before having to teach a class to teens. And then I was like… well… she told me to. No need to think about this, just do it. I turned on the webcam as I undressed (cold!) and put on what she’d told me to.
Lois: “Move yourself into the picture frame.”
Whenever we started a webcam session I always felt shy for being on camera for the first minute or so… so undressing and dressing, I’d just kind of gone to the edge of the frame lol. But I finished putting on my dress and heels in the frame when she told me to.
Lois: “Stand up straight slave.”
Also, insecurity makes one do the opposite of standing straight. I was shaking, to be honest. Though I always shake a little bit all the time. My flatmate pointed that out one day, and I was like… yeah, that’s kinda normal for me? But I was shaking a lot more now, in front of the webcam. I don’t think Lois could see it, but she did ask me how I felt, which was nervous… I thought, haha. She asked if it was because of her or the presentation – then again told me to stand up straight with my shoulders back and to present my tits.
That aroused me…
But I wasn’t entirely sure about the answer to her question. I thought that I’d have felt less nervous about the webcam if I didn’t have to do the presentation later. It was as if the nerves from that had seeped into this.
Lois: “It’s nice to look at the body shape that I want.”
She had put me on a diet recently to lose some weight and it’d changed quite quickly for the better. Her saying that also aroused me because it meant that she was enjoying looking at me, and enjoyed that I was standing there right then. It also aroused me a lot because she was addressing me as her property and almost as her thing, rather than a slave and I liked that she owned me to that extent. I told her about how I could feel my arousal and she noted that this was quite a new feeling for me.
After all, she had always had to ask how wet I was because I couldn’t feel my arousal. But I had been able to in recent weeks, more and more.
Lois: “I also made your sexual arousal possible.”
She added that I was telling her that all the things I enjoyed about my life I had because of her, which was mostly true. She wanted to know if I felt scared about that. She’d asked me a few times before if I felt scared about the control she had over me but I never had. It felt like it had been an active choice I made to allow it to happen and I never regretted making it and therefore I didn’t feel scared. Additionally, I trusted her, so again, I didn’t feel scared.
She asked me why I was nervous and the first thing I observed was that my body was. I wasn’t sure which thoughts were making my body nervous, but I assumed they came from my fear of failure, so she asked me what I was afraid of to fail.
In terms of teaching the class, it was obviously a fear of failing at delivering it well, but right then, standing there in front of the webcam my nerves were probably because I was afraid that I wasn’t good enough? Maybe? Or maybe a fear of looking stupid?
Lois: “You look good in the dress and the ponytail. I told you to stand there so if you do look stupid I want you to look stupid.”
Me: “So, therefore, there is nothing to worry about.”
Lois: “Correct. How wet are you?”
I was very wet; before she asked I could feel the wetness sticking to my leg. By this point, I was sitting down on my chair at my desk because she wanted me to send her the Amazon link of the dress I was wearing and she noticed my make-up.
(Side note, after looking at the amazon page I realised that I must be wearing the dress the wrong way around, lol. It wasn’t noticeable because there’s not a big difference between the front and the back of the dress. But the actual front opens up a bit in between the boobs, which I had assumed was just a fancy opening for the neck. What do I know? lol)
She told me to turn the dress around… which, it’s always a little embarrassing to undress in front of someone… I considered if I could just turn the dress around while wearing it but it didn’t seem like a plausible option so I took it off in one smooth movement, thinking that this had hopefully looked good? And honestly, I felt quite confident in my current new skin with my weight loss.
She told me to come closer to the camera so she could have a good look, then asked me how wet I was, which had reached the point where I couldn’t really tell anymore and it was just… wet.
The hour had now nearly passed and rather than nervous, I had started to feel at peace and happy. Warm, really, even though I was really cold because of winter to the point where my nose felt like it was running even though I didn’t have a cold. It felt like nothing else in the future, or in the world mattered at that moment. It’s honestly the best feeling.
Finally, she told me to make myself come and to then get ready.
I moved the webcam to the floor at a distance so that she could see my vagina and my face, and turned on the wand. There were about 15 minutes left before I had to leave my house, and it took me about 5 minutes to come, which was enjoyable!
When I was done she said “well done” and told me to get ready now. I thanked her, as always and told her I’d let her know how it went to which she said “please do,” which made me feel good because she cared and because I knew she believed in me. I could do this!
When I took the dress off I noticed a wet patch on the front, which had come from when it had been worn the wrong way around. I showed it to her saying “that’s how wet I was”.
Anticlimactically, I then arrived at the class and it got cancelled. Oh well.
Xx Marie Louise