I was incredibly anxious on the evening leading up to New Years. I can’t tell you exactly why but I wished I could skip this date. On normal days, at least there’s no pressure. I was with my friends in this beautiful, safe space that feels like home to me and yet my mind was ruining it. When I was sitting in my bed with a tear stained face at 11 pm, I thought of the joy I saw on everyone’s faces earlier tonight and hated myself for feeling the opposite. What the hell is wrong with you Mila?!
When I end up in this headspace I tend to feel like I’m a waste of space and shouldn’t bother anyone with the mere sight of my presence. I’m aware that it’s irrational but that doesn’t make the feeling go away. It’s thus needless to say, I was not expecting or even hoping that I’d end up having the good time I eventually got; specifically with Skadi.
About a month ago, I wrote a blog post about my New Years flogging with The Baron, which took me out of my anxious headspace and ensured I had a great New Years Eve. At the end of the post, I said there was going to be a part two. The reason why it took me so long is because I couldn’t find the right words to do it justice, but here is finally my attempt.
The second part of New Year’s Eve
Once I stopped shaking after my flogging with the Baron, I kept glancing over at Skadi to see what she was up to, thinking I wanted to catch her and arrange something for later before she left to play with someone else. I didn’t want to let her get away with not giving me a massage, after all! I struggled to find a good moment to interrupt, however. So when she literally got up and was about to leave I finally called out her name loud enough for her to hear. My sentence, on the other hand, probably didn’t make sense. I asked her something with the intention to mention the massage and instead she replied asking if I wasn’t too sore to be hit again. Too sore? Me? Haha!
“No, no, I would love to play,” I quickly said; I had always been interested in playing with Skadi. At a party, months ago, her energy really seemed to drive out the brat in me and it made me feel like I wanted to kiss, touch, wrestle with and annoy her all at the same time. After that, our paths stopped crossing and I figured that my attraction and desire must be one sided. And so I had certainly not expected that she wanted to play with me today.
We agreed to play a little while later and then as the night moved on, I watched Skadi flog a friend of mine I knew she had a pre-established dynamic with (I mean that in the sense that they are close and have played before). I felt a little envious watching, yet happy to see how they were having fun. In the following hours (I mean, I’m not actually sure how much time passed) I moved in and out of the ballroom and kept checking what Skadi was up to, waiting for the right moment to go up to her. My mind jumped between the thoughts: I don’t want her to think I don’t want to play anymore if too much time passes and I don’t want to pressure her to play if she’s no longer up for it either.
I’m guessing it was around 4 am when I walked back into the ballroom and saw Skadi sit on the couch with others, facing away from me. In my now lack-of-sleep but sober state I felt confident enough to put my head down on her shoulder and lightly touched her with my hand, then asked her what she was up to. Or in other words: Do you want play?
She seemed slightly startled, as I was not quite the person she’d expected but it instantly changed to (dare I say… I mean, of course my account is biased) joy, like she was happy to see me.
She asked me if I would be okay to get hit again.
“Of course,” I said, briefly forgetting that it’s perhaps ridiculous I like to get hit so much. While in reality I didn’t feel a specific desire to get hit anymore that night, I felt a specific desire to get hit by Skadi. My masochistic desire doesn’t come from the desire to feel pain; it comes from the desire to take pain for a specific person or to connect with someone and have fun. (Unless I’m anxious; that’s the only time I feel like I want to feel pain.)
Please hit me, I thought with a joking undertone. Please hit me, but before you do I’m going to be bratty as fuck.
We ended up in the free space of the ballroom where all the earlier impact play had taken place.
We stood opposite each other and some back and forth teasing lines ensued.
I can’t remember what I said but a bratty line made her reach for my throat. When she tightened her grip around my airways, it felt like my mind slowly drifted into some kind of tunnel. Picture a late summer night with your friends in Germany as you’re sitting in the back of the car. The roof is down and you’re speeding along the highway, the hot air now providing a gentle breeze, while the music is blasting loud. You enter a tunnel and the lights on its roof quickly pass by. It’s like you’re hypnotised in the moment and nothing else matters in the world.
My face showed an expression of ecstasy and surprise when Skadi took me there.
She managed to give me the feeling as if I was about to drop down a free fall, but she caught me before any real fear set in.
I smiled, filled with joy.
So this is what breath play can feel like?
I felt more inclined to submit now; she had weakened my legs in awe. And, moreover, I realised that I had no choice but to submit while she was holding my throat.
Months ago when we attended that initial party we wrestled with each other. A picture was taken and she posted it on Fetlife with the caption “My poor attempt in taming this cheeky brat.” In the comments, she added: “Let me correct myself. Poor first attempt… Next time I will not be so nice.”
Well, she had me this time.
Once again I felt like I wanted to kiss, touch, wrestle with and annoy her all at the same time. But this time, a desire to behave a little too surfaced.
I’m not sure how we transitioned from this moment to the next, but Skadi told me to kneel down and put my bottom out for her; she had acquired the flogger in her hand.
She paused momentarily and said she might not be sober enough to be accurate, giving me an out. I didn’t want our scene to be over yet. I trusted myself to stop if a hit didn’t feel right and I trusted her to be careful enough because she wasn’t fully sober.
The pain of the flogger felt good. She started lightly, then seemed to adjust based on my response.
My playful and bratty side felt like moving in response to the pain but my submissive side was stronger and I felt like I should listen to Skadi’s instruction by now.
I love the game in which I have to find a way to take the pain without moving much; it’s hard, you really have to control your mind because instinctually your body will move. Staying still is an active show of submission to the person that’s hitting you. It’s one of my love languages, I suppose. And every hit makes me smile more.
After the flogger, we tried out my new dragon’s tail, which stings so wonderfully much!
At the end, I just wanted to kiss and snuggle up to her, feeling so incredibly attracted to, while also having the desire to wrap my arms around her and expel any negativity from our lives (If only I had that kinda superpower, ha!)
By the time it was morning and everyone went to bed I secretly hoped this wouldn’t be a one time occurrence. Yet, if it is, I have a very fond memory to think back on.