Restoring Trust

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A few weeks ago, I was meant to see Roxy on Sunday. She had said we would the weekend prior and having something to look forward to really helps me nowadays. That week, my mental health wasn’t great and the thought of wanting to die was constantly on my mind. However, I did the right things to help myself and managed to get back on top before crashing again halfway through the week. I was under no impression that seeing Roxy would fix my overall mood (I mean, that’s not how it works) but I knew that while we hung out I might momentarily be able to let go (especially since needles were on the planning). And of course, regardless of how I feel, I always look forward to playing with/seeing her.

We tend to set a date for when we’ll see each other in advance and then sometimes don’t talk again until that day. Roxy tends to text me about 2 hours in advance before we meet up and often we meet in the afternoon. The problem with that is that it leaves me with the morning. I have abandonment issues and always seem to worry that someone may cancel if things haven’t explicitly been confirmed closer to the time. In other words, the more hours pass without a message from Roxy, the more worried I get. I mentioned something like this once and she assured me that she would show up if that’s what she’d said she’d do. Therefore, over time and after consistently showing up regardless of the time I fully came to trust her.

This particular Sunday morning I texted her with the question at what time she thought she’d come over. She replied almost immediately and said she just got home; she needed to sleep first but would message me later. That wasn’t super out of the ordinary and I figured she might message me at 2 pm or something. In reality, I had asked her the question because I wanted to know whether I had to get up to clean my flat and get ready or stay in bed for a little while longer.

2 pm came and passed. Then it became 3 pm, then 4 pm. There’s no way she’s going to make it, is she? 

I knew that even if she would make it, our time together would likely be rushed as she would have to go to work on Monday. Still, I trusted that she would at least let me know. I didn’t feel like I had anything to worry about and surely a little after 4 her message came.

In her message, she explained that she wasn’t feeling well and that she was sorry to cancel our play date. She also said, “Just so you know you are a fabulous human” and ended the message by saying she’d get in touch when she was feeling better. I closed WhatsApp and let my phone for what it was for a moment. The upset child in me didn’t want to respond. She cancelled on me when I actively made certain choices to ensure I’d be ready for her for when she’d get here.

She said you’re a fabulous human. She cares and knows I needed to hear that, otherwise she wouldn’t have said that. This isn’t personal and she probably feels shitty about it. Be a good person and step away from your ego. 

It took me half an hour or so before I replied. I simply said I hoped she would feel better and would be able to sleep soon. However, I still felt upset.

I’m really lucky for the wonderful, supportive friends that I have in my life. I was able to express how I truly felt at that moment to them, and they acknowledged it, which helped me massively. It was only after I mentioned to my friend that Roxy had cancelled that my feelings came out. I felt really disappointed but also thought I shouldn’t at the same time. But because my friend listened to me, I was able to let it out and cry, rather than beating myself up over feeling disappointed.

I asked my friends if I was overreacting or if it was normal that I felt this sense of disappointment. I knew Roxy didn’t do it on purpose and that she had wanted to see me. There was definitely no malicious intent, but I still felt like it was unfair. On Saturday night, I had also specifically gone home because I knew I needed the time on Sunday morning to get ready in time. I always actively make the right choices so I can uphold my side of the arrangement and I felt hurt that Roxy hadn’t done the same for me. At the same time, I realise that not everyone is the same. Whatever had happened had likely not happened as she intended and even I have to cancel arrangements with friends sometimes. Things can come up; it just tends to happen because we’re human.

The thought also crossed my mind that if it had been the other way around and I had let her down as the slave there would have been consequences. Yet, that wouldn’t happen for the Mistress would it? This thought worried and upset me.

I went to bed thinking that it was okay for me to feel disappointed even though I didn’t blame her and understood that Roxy hadn’t intended for this to happen. I knew that I would have to bring up how I felt the next time we spoke, but I thought it would be okay.

The reason why I am writing all of this is that when she cancelled, one of my first thoughts was: See, I can’t trust anyone. People will always disappoint me and return less than what I give. I’m not worth it. I shouldn’t be around. Why do I keep trying?

I thought of the catfish (Philip/Lois) and felt really small all of a sudden.

No one will ever care about me. 

But while I felt and thought those things as they happened, I didn’t let that define me. I was able to rationalise everything, talk about it to my friends and see it for what it was. Roxy did care about me and she had to cancel because something happened that was out of her control, even if she could have made better choices. It was okay for me to feel disappointed and I would simply have to bring it up later down the line. It would be okay.

After the catfish, it would have been really easy for my trust to be broken once again. In a way, after that happened I really feared that I wouldn’t be able to have any kind of relationship with another person again. But what happened with them has not defined me and it seems that I am coming out stronger.

The following day

I woke up around 7.30 on Monday morning and checked my phone. It’s okay, I can go back to sleep. And so I did. I woke up again at 8.30 and unlocked my screen to see if Roxy had messaged me, as I had a feeling she might call me this morning. There was none, so I drifted back into a dream with snakes, which was mildly unpleasant. A little past 9 I had another look at my phone and Roxy had asked if I was awake 2 minutes ago. I sent her a simple yes. We don’t speak often in the morning but when we do it’s always around this time and somehow I always wake up about 2 minutes after her message has arrived. I tend to say that I’ve just woken up and she then replies that she’ll call me in 10 minutes so I can get ready, but I had no desire to get up and thought she might as well call me while I was still in bed.

She called once she received my message and asked me how I was doing, to which I didn’t really have an answer as I still had this image in my mind of this snake around my neck. I asked her how she was doing instead and she said she wasn’t doing as well as she could be, though had finally slept. She asked me if I had any work to do today and I didn’t really like the question. Uhm… Are you checking if I am making good use of my time? I don’t really… but… I don’t want you to be disappointed… 

“I’ve called in sick for work,” she said.

Oh. 

“And thought that maybe you could come over.”

Oh. 

She explained that she had lost track of time on Saturday and that when the sun came on Sunday morning, she thought: Shit… Mila!

She expressed her worry to a friend at the time who said something along the lines of: “But you’re the Mistress, surely you can do what you want.” Before I had a chance to reply Roxy exclaimed what a stupid thing that was to say and expressed that she’d said something like: “That’s not how it works. There is a difference between a power dynamic and being an asshole and I think I just crossed the line and am being an asshole.”

At this point in our phone conversation, I really hadn’t said all that much yet.

Roxy continued and told me she felt quite upset with herself for not following through on her word about seeing me. She basically expressed all the feelings I would have felt if I had been the one to cancel; I completely understood where she was coming from and she really took the time to apologise.

Once she finished talking I said that of course I had been disappointed, but that I know we’re all human and sometimes things come up even if we don’t mean for it to happen. I felt like my negative response after she’d cancelled had more to do with me than with her and at that moment I just wanted to reassure her; she was doing all the right things and if there was more I could bring it up later at her place.

She showed me that I can indeed trust her and that I don’t have to lose faith in everyone just because people have treated me badly before. While initially, everything seemed quite negative, it all became something positive and the day we had together really helped with that too.

I feel like I’ve grown and am still growing as a person. Slowly I will be able to trust and be a healthy adult to myself.

Xx Mila

Ps: this is the day on which the post Caught cleaning: a maid’s confession took place

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