Looking for kinky events to attend I came across this party and thought, that’s one I want to be at. The word hot could have been indicative of a good party but what caught my attention was the word queer. As you’re well aware, I’m gay so what better place to meet other queers than at a queer party? However, the time of this party was listed to be from 1 am to 8 am. Can I do that? I thought. Can I stay up all night for a party? I’m not a party person at all and I am actively against compromising my sleep for anything but… a queer play kink party, wouldn’t that be perfect? If I was going to find my people it’d be at a party like this so I threw my concerns out the window, thinking I could try it out, at the very least.
On my way there, I felt like the wind could blow me over. Hello to yet another storm? I briefly wondered if it was a good idea for me to be on the street right now, then considered if going to this party had been a terrible idea period. Similar to before the event last week, I had an anxiety attack about this party the night before but as you can tell, it didn’t stop me going. If you follow me on twitter you might have seen my tweet asking about the appropriate time to arrive at a party. I decided to aim for 10 past 1 as it’d mean I wouldn’t be the first but was also arriving with other people.
I walked in and was let in so quickly that it made me feel unsure of what to do with myself. Inside, people were standing about and changing outfits. I could immediately tell that everyone had come with at least one other friend and that most people were familiar with one another and while. I had been aware of this before getting the ticket but it now reminded me of one of the flaws in my plan of attending this party.
When I had messaged the hosts about a ticket they’d asked me if I wanted to come with a guest, which I didn’t. I think the response was something along the lines of, ah, so you’re the kind of person that just likes to party with people? And I was like, yes, I guess haha, while thinking… yep, that’s definitely me… I’m great at socialising with people I’ve never met *cough *cough.
A little self-consciously, I took off my black trousers which revealed my fishnet stockings, followed by my jumper which revealed the red dress that y’all like a lot. Here’s what it looked like with the fishnet’s, though I didn’t wear those heels in the end.
And there I was thinking, why did I choose a red dress when I don’t want to catch people’s attention? I mean, it was because when I purchased the ticket they told me to dress up fabulously and when I think of fabulously I think of colours. I solved my uncomfortableness by dissociating a little and forgot about what I was wearing. And then… well then there was nothing for me to do and I was awkward as hell.
The people left the area around the entrance and started gathering in the social area. Walking into this area made me feel equally terrified, amazed and at home. It was incredible to see everyone dressed in awesome fetish clothing and for it to be completely normal. At the same time, I knew no one. So I started walking back and forth from one area to the other in an attempt to avoid awkwardly standing still somewhere. But after I returned to the social area for the fifth time I walked up to the first person that looked my way and said hi.
He was really nice and I sort of self-joked about my awkwardness, mentioning that I had hoped I could’ve just sat somewhere and watched people, but that if I were to now it would be even more apparent that I was alone and super awkward so he offered to sit with me. It turned out we actually had some things in common like love for writing and we had a nice conversation until a friend wanted to go smoke with him. Back to being on my own, I guess.
The Unicorn Board
Someone went around the room handing out wristbands with a unicorn on them. These were a part of the unicorn board, which was hanging on the wall. People could put post-it notes on there with things they’d like to do that night. For example, if you were looking for a rope bunny, you could write that down and put it up. If you were a rope bunny you could respond to the post-it note and the person who’d put the request out there could then choose to find you to have that scene. I think this is a brilliant system!
However, I didn’t know what I wanted. I hadn’t really come to the party with a clear idea of what I wanted to do or get out of it. I was just there hoping I’d be able to stop feeling awkward and make some friends. I looked at some of the things people put up but didn’t do much with them. Maybe I will next time and come prepared a little better.
I kept on roaming around unable to find the courage to just walk up to someone and start a conversation until someone came up to me. This person was also a writer and it made conversation easier but after just having had a chat with another writer, it felt like it’d be nice to find a different topic. At the same time, my feelings were completely gone and I realised how much I had actually dissociated. I told him I had and said I just needed to be alone for a bit. Then I sat down on my own and probably looked like I was having a horrible time. After a while I got up, intending to talk to someone, anyone, but then sat down in another chair at which point one of the hosts came over and said something like, “So you’re going from chair to chair, huh.” Yep, that’s me. Just going from chair to chair and talking to no one. I’m such a party person!
Eventually, two women in a group invited me to come to sit with them and then people started coming and going, taking up seats that the previous people had just left. I heard many names and I didn’t remember any of them because there were too many. I tried to have conversations with people but they often ended rather quickly. You know how first encounters go… But then, the person sitting opposite me with her friend next to her said, “I have a proposition. I propose we go downstairs and make out with the three of us.”
“Yeah,” I said as if this was something I did all the time.
“Yes?” the friend said.
The friend said she just needed to go to the bathroom first but when she came back, she didn’t want to do it after all so they both got up to dance. They invited me but dancing makes me really anxious so that was a no no.
Right then, another girl took up their seats and like I had asked many others, I asked her what she had put up on the unicorn board and she said she wanted to give someone a sensual massage. A sensual massage? “And no one has responded yet?” I said. My thoughts sped up. This was the first request by someone that I felt I could fulfil except it felt more like she would be giving me something rather than the other way around. I was debating whether I should tell her that I’d like to do that with her. I felt hesitant because I didn’t want to make her feel like she had to say yes just because I offered. Still, I told her but added that she didn’t have to say yes and could check out if anyone else had responded on the unicorn board. But she did say yes and seemed quite happy so we went and found a place somewhere in the dark.
A Sensual Massage
Clothing wise, she said I could take off whatever I felt comfortable with so I went with naked, lol. Her touch instantly made me relax. It didn’t feel strange that a stranger was touching me. It was very nice, rather. And who doesn’t like massages, right? She was very good at it, switching up patterns and pressure. I started realising that maybe I needed physical touch to ease my anxiety a little. Whereas conversation before had felt quite unnatural, it felt natural now. I enjoyed hearing her talk about the things she liked and answering her questions also. It felt like we connected or that the massage made it possible to do so. Then when it went quiet it didn’t feel strange and it put the focus on the massage. She leaned in, close to my ear, a smile on her face. She asked me if there was any specific place I’d like her to focus on.
“Erm.. Erm… I don’t… know?”
“Maybe more intimate areas?” I could hear the smile in her voice.
Her hands made me feel so many things I didn’t know or had forgotten I could feel. Her hand went over my vagina, through my legs and again and again while still changing patterns and pressure. I longed for her touch. I longed to show her my pleasure and I started feeling a strong desire to kiss her, a desire which until then I hadn’t felt for years. She then leaned closer and asked if she could kiss me and I eagerly said yes. As this continued I, later on, had the courage to ask if we could kiss again.
Back in the social area, we went in different directions and as I walked to the unicorn board I walked into another girl. She looked a bit lost like me so I asked her what she had been hoping for. I didn’t think I could help her with her wish but she took my hand and went to a dark spot where we found a couch and then there was… well, loads of kissing to which I did not object!
I wondered if I was even kissing right. It’d been a few years, lol… and I had always felt insecure about my kissing abilities but she assured me I was doing just fine, phew. The couch was a little bit uncomfortable though as it didn’t have cushions so we went back to the social area where we ran into the girl who had suggested we’d go kiss earlier on. Her friend wasn’t around anymore but we became a group of five. We asked if everyone was okay with kissing one another and then we had an orgy, I guess? I can’t believe we had an orgy?! How the hell did that just happen?
Having an orgy was never particularly a fantasy of mine but you know, why object to something like that? I like girls and they like girls so, you know, it was great. However, I did start feeling a little uncomfortable during because I didn’t know what to do. It’s fairly easy (or so I have discovered) to make out with one person but making out with several is a bit disorientating! So I left, thinking about what the girl had said earlier, that it didn’t matter if one person left an orgy as enough other people still remained, ha.
Back in the social area, I felt like I needed a break. Yet, I felt a bit lost once again as I didn’t know who to approach now. The person I did electro play with the week before was sitting across the room. I knew he was going to be at this party and I exchanged some small conversation with him earlier that night (which helped me a lot!) and felt like I could use a familiar face right now. He appeared to just have come out of a scene with someone, though; she was leaning against him with a blanket. They were clearly having aftercare and I didn’t want to disturb them. A little later he noticed me though and invited me to come over.
It felt like I entered a bit of a safe haven when I sat down with them. It felt comfortable and like we had a connection; the safe feeling of being with familiar friends and that alone completed the night for me. I was tired and we were getting close to 6 am. I was quite impressed with how long I’d made it. I got to know her a bit better. While I had also seen her at the event last week we didn’t get to talk then and I felt like I really wanted to get to know her better. We kept on smiling at each other, almost as if one of us wanted to say something but didn’t quite know what. When she had recovered a little, left for a bit and then he said to me, “You know if you ask her if she wants to do a scene with you you know she’ll say yes.”
I have to admit that I had felt a desire to kiss and hold her. I don’t know why exactly. But you know when you can read attraction off someone’s face? I wonder if that’s what my face looked like too? This whole idea hadn’t actually crossed my mind at that moment as I don’t think I even allowed myself to consider the possibility that we might kiss or have a scene in the future.
So he had told me, but I didn’t really know how to ask her. I repeated the question over and over in my head but it wouldn’t come out. A little while later, he said that they might leave soon, which meant ‘about now’. So just before they got up I leaned forwards and asked her and her face lit up. “Yes,” she said.
She got up and came up behind me to hug me and then we kissed and it felt so good. I felt really happy and was ready to call it a night too. It’s always good to end a night on a high, right? But she said that I should look if anyone else still wanted to play. “Be bold,” she said. I replied that I was already being bold by being here to which she said, “be even bolder.”
I walked up to the unicorn board after they left. A woman was looking at the board and taking some of the notes down. I think I said hi or perhaps she turned towards me because she noticed someone approaching. And then…
Well… wait for the next post!
(Now published: Part 2: At the Unicorn Board)
Xx Marie Louise