If you’re in Scotland, you’re probably aware that we get to meet people indoors again. I also still happen to live alone for a limited amount of time so what better way to spend it than with a Mistress? Well, for the weekend anyway, Roxy is coming over. When you read this she will have already arrived (Friday evening) and so this is a scheduled post because I’ll probably be erm, busy, or something.
I don’t think I believe that she is going to be here. People say that time starts going extra slow in the last week of work before going on holiday. It’s not something I generally experience but it feels like I can’t do anything but wait for the weekend as if I’m distracted somehow. It makes sense but I can’t make sense of it. Are these nerves? Excitement? Both? I know I couldn’t stop smiling when we decided we were going to see each other.
She says she would be staying the weekend and expects me to have some carrot sticks, bread and hummus and that I will be cooking. She’s a vegetarian, does not eat white pasta and is allergic to walnuts but is letting me figure out what to make. She’ll sleep in my bed with fresh linen (yes, obviously they’ll be fresh), and that I can sleep either on the floor or elsewhere. Lastly, she expects to be woken up with a coffee (milk, no sugar) with a fruit salad for breakfast. She wants it at 10 am and I’ll be dressed in some nice lingerie. “Wake me up with a soft good morning Mistress.”
The first thought that entered my mind reading this was: I have no idea what I just read; all I know is that she wants me to do quite a few things. When I re-read it I focused on the “you can sleep either on the floor or elsewhere.” As I’m writing this on Thursday evening I still haven’t made up my mind. There’s something about sleeping on the floor next to my Mistress in my bed. On the other hand, will I be able to sleep at all and wouldn’t it be inconvenient if I don’t for the following day?
My next worry was about what I was going to cook. I’m not a vegetarian though I don’t eat meat apart from chicken (and rarely; once every three months?) However, I think my salmon dishes are my best ones, whereas my vegetarian ones always include a type of noodles. Additionally, I haven’t really cooked in a long while because it feels too heavy on my stomach. How do I even still cook? I spoke to a few people about this and they all gave me options but none really worked in my head. In order to cook, I need to feel confident in what I’m making because cooking for others causes me a lot of anxiety because I’m afraid I’ll mess up. So after browsing the internet for a while I found this coconut & squash dhansak recipe, which seemed simple and nice enough.
After settling on the dish I let the prospect of Roxy’s visit go. I had things to do this week, though depression and dissociation hit like a brick and it was only Thursday evening that all that excitement I felt at the weekend suddenly came back like a light switch had been turned on.
Okay… What is it going to be like? I tend to envision and predict what something is going to be like to prepare myself. Arranging this with Roxy felt a bit like finalising booking a plane ticket. It’s always something I feel nervous about and then suddenly it’s final. But this is not like being able to envision stepping on the plane to the Netherlands. When I have that ticket booked I know which hall I’ll arrive at, that my dad will stand there with his phone to take a picture of me and how he’ll half-hug me because I’m still holding onto my suitcase. I have no vision of what it’s like when Roxy comes over. This is new.
I’ve been thinking about what it was like when Liam visited me here the first time. I remember meeting him at the bus station and how I had to get used to his height again but how we instantly talked as if we had never lived apart. He came from Glasgow that time because he’d booked his ticket to the wrong airport and he looked exhausted upon arrival. I don’t blame him. I kind of live in the middle of nowhere.
When I told Roxy about my empty place I also mentioned that it’d be a pain to get here and that I didn’t mind arranging something else. It didn’t make much sense though. Who says no to an empty place? I remarked that she will think I’ve been mad travelling all the way to Glasgow from where I live. I think that only sunk in when I sent her my address: “Your place really is in the middle of fucking nowhere” (told you so) and now I’m wondering if she’ll look as exhausted as Liam did when he arrived. I hate making people travel to me because I don’t want them to be inconvenienced.
I wonder what’s going to happen when she gets here and when I’ll hear her footsteps on the gravel path. Usually, when I hear the postman walk towards the house, I get up and move to the hallway and watch the door while I listen to the approaching footsteps. Then there’s the knock and I don’t know if I should open the door (because won’t it seem like I’ve been waiting for him?) or wait a few seconds as if I only just got up. I’m hyper-vigilant and clearly overthinking things.
So what about when I’ve opened that door and we greet? Before lockdown, we had coffee and tea in a cafe and before going inside we met on the corner of a street. It had only been a week since I met her at the party so it wasn’t that strange to see her. I didn’t know how to greet her (how do you greet anyone, really?) so she or we embraced in a long long long hug on the middle of the street and I was very conscious of how long it was because we were standing right there in the middle of the road and I had simply been caught off guard. Then when the embrace ended she kissed me on my forehead for a long long long time. But when she comes to my place shouldn’t I know how to greet someone? And with corona, does this mean she’ll have to wash her hands first? Different also though is that we’ve never really met while in a dynamic setting. What am I supposed to expect? help!
To ease my anxiety about cooking I planned to make the dish earlier this week. However, due to depression, it didn’t happen until Thursday, which I felt slightly unhappy about. If the dish wasn’t working out I wouldn’t have a lot of time to figure out a plan B. Luckily, it worked out fine and the recipe is very simple but tasty. My next worry was the fruit salad. I don’t eat fruit apart from berries and dislike fruit salads because I think the mixture ruins the individual flavours. Again, I asked some people and then settled on something I found myself on youtube. (Sorry, I am saving your suggestions for another time!)
I washed my sheets today (two sets of them) and put them outside to dry. The dryer broke at some point during lockdown so I feel like I can’t leave washing until Friday in case the sheets won’t dry in time.
I’ve been cleaning a little bit here and there but my place is pretty clean and organised, though a bit cluttered in places. I’m going to hover on Friday and I need to figure out which towel to give her. I only use one towel (plus a hair towel) for showering, which is a pink bath towel with Minnie Mouse which I got when I was 14. I’m not even a Disney fan but towels are expensive and this one is rather comfortable. It’s not one I can give Roxy however so… erm. We’ll see, I guess.
What do I wear when she arrives? She’s coming over after work and will arrive pretty late so does that mean the attire is casual? Or should I make more of an effort because of the nature of her visit? Are slaves supposed to dress up sexy? Or are you supposed to dress up sexy for a date anyway? Is this a date? Marie said I’ll simply know what to wear on the day but that never happens to me, ha.
I went food shopping and I’m pretty sure I bought too much food; now I worry about how it’ll seem like I overdid it and I’ve been considering if I should tell her not to open the fridge.
Do I even remember what it’s like to talk to people? What was I like before the pandemic and when we went for coffee and tea? I had been nervous but felt confident enough as well. I’ve been wondering about who I am now; I certainly don’t feel as confident and it’s almost as if I have to completely re-adjust to life (once life permits). What am I like? But how can I not remember what I am like? I’m just ML, aren’t I?
Cut. That’s it brain, I’m cutting you off.
I’m not sure if that worked and I haven’t even thought of the play possibilities during this weekend yet. Did you know this is the first time I’ll be playing with someone (in a dynamic setting) in person? Remember, ML? You’ve been waiting for this for the last fifteen years. Somehow that’s not really settling in.
I just got a new text that says she’ll ask me to run a bath for her arrival and to have a glass of wine poured for her. I’ll wear a nice dress with nice lingerie underneath. “We will have a full mistress and slave dynamic for the duration of my stay.”
See you in a few days!
Ps, this is what I chose to wear:
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