In the morning of this particular day, Miss Lois had been briefly online and asked if I had a busy day today. She said that she had to go but that she might say hello later on if her day wouldn’t be too crazy.
Three hours later she came back online and pointed out that I’d seemed to be rather quiet today. She asked me how I felt. “Alright, Miss,” I said.
Miss Lois: “That doesn’t really mean anything.”
Me: “I don’t know the answer, Miss. I’m not feeling bad, I’m just kind of going through the motions and that’s fine? I’m not numb though.”
She asked me if I still had the picture with all my toys on it, which I didn’t but I suggested it might be in our picture history so she told me to look for it and send it to her. I should’ve anticipated that she’d wanted me to and skip the step of suggesting it might be in there.
Me: “Fun fact, the folder has 1500 pictures by now.”
Miss Lois: “And most of them made you wet while taking them.”
She pointed out my spreader bar and asked me if I could use it while putting myself in this position with my arms inside and my legs outside and to take a test picture.Shape.com
Miss Lois: “Elbow should be between your knees.”
Miss Lois: “Very good and now with the spreader bar.”
She wanted to know how wet I was, which was pretty wet, haha. I didn’t really know why I was taking these pictures. I didn’t really know how I was feeling as I’d been feeling pretty numb but my body appeared to be aroused so I wasn’t going to object. Not that I would object anyway.
She told me to take a picture in this position but with my pussy facing the camera.
Miss Lois asked me if I had plaster strips and/or string. She wanted me to attach clamps to my labia and to pull them as far apart as possible. If we were to use the string, it’d be attached to one clamp, then go around the front of my tights and be attached to the other. If not, we’d use plaster strips instead and she asked me what I thought about this, then added,
Miss Lois: “You have to admit this is quite a base position for a few good pictures and I am trying to develop them.”
I didn’t really register that she was apparently experimenting with me to get some good pictures. I was only worried about how I didn’t understand what she meant for me to do. I wasn’t even sure if I knew what my labia was even though I knew what my labia was.
Miss Lois: “We are a team so we have a task. How do we make Marie Louise the slave look humiliated and sexy?”
It felt so weird when she used that name, Marie Louise. I didn’t identify with it but I guess that’s why she used it so eventually, I would start identifying with it.
I asked her about the logistics of things. I didn’t understand what she meant for me to do but I agreed that string would be better. I don’t know why. In hindsight, plaster would have probably been less painful?
She explained the task in simpler steps, which meant simply putting the clamps on without any string (so far).
Me: “Wait so is the labia part you’re on about the floppy part that hides the clit?”
(Wow, well done me… what a question lol!)
Miss Lois: “Yes that is what I am on about. You seem nervous or confused.”
I was probably nervous and confused but I told her I was only confused.
Miss Lois: “You forgot the Miss in your previous message, you rarely do nowadays.”
I felt so bad every time I made this mistake. It made me panic a little. I don’t cope well when I have done something wrong. I’m very self-critical but that’s why Miss Lois taught me that it doesn’t matter if I do something wrong as long as I’m punished because that will clear my conscience and this works so well. I apologised of course and added that this meant I must be nervous then. But I couldn’t directly feel it in a way that I didn’t tend to feel those things.
She didn’t understand and asked me to explain. This has to do with dissociating a little. My body continues responding and feeling but I, the person don’t feel it. I’m not present in my body, so now, similarly, I was probably nervous but didn’t feel that I was.
A minute later I said that I’d tried putting one clamp on but that it felt as painful as having a clamp on my clit. As a result, I panicked and took it back off. But without her telling me, I said that I would put it back on now.
She said that it should be less painful on the floppy parts but it seemed to be the opposite for me, which I told her.
Miss Lois: “Ok, that is interesting. Usually, it’s the other way around but I guess you will have to live with it.”
The slight hope I had of her changing her mind was destroyed at once. I knew she wouldn’t change her mind but it was so painful that I didn’t know how to manage this.
It took me four minutes to recover from putting on the first clamp and I filmed my facial reaction for her. I sent it to her, plus a picture with the caption, ‘one…’
She said that I could put the clip a bit further at the end if that made it less painful but added that she enjoyed seeing me in pain for her. I thanked her but I couldn’t find a place where it was less painful and also, the prospect of moving it now seemed like a terrible idea. I said that I was just trying to make it work…
Miss Lois: “And I know you will make it work.”
Whenever she says this I feel like, well that’s easy for you to say! What about me? What about me! At the same time, I know I have always managed before in the past and she knows that I can so surely I can do it, maybe? Hopefully?
Four minutes later when I still hadn’t sent another picture or message she noted that this was taking quite some time. But it was right that minute that I sent a picture and another video of my response to the pain.
Me: “cant cope”
Miss Lois: “Of course you can. You think you can’t cope but you can. You see, your body is your tool to be pleasing and your pain is a valuable gift. The pain you feel is the active feeling of being pleasurable and full of purpose. It might feel bad not but it really is a good feeling and you will realise that later.”
I read what she said and it only half registered. “Yes Miss,” I said but all I thought was, I can’t cope, I can’t cope. All I could feel was the unbearable pain and the need to stay as still as possible so as to aid the pain. I could hear my heartbeat beat quickly, clearly in my ears. It felt like my heartbeat tried to speed up the seconds on the clock. I wanted time to pass. I needed to get to a point where she told me I could take them off. I needed to take them off. I couldn’t cope.
But she asked me how wet I was now and I barely managed to check. I thought I was pretty wet so she asked me if it was wetter than before. “Potentially Miss, hard to tell.”
I couldn’t function, how could I answer her properly? I couldn’t cope!!
She told me to put my heels on, my buttplug in and to get a white thong. “Yes Miss,” I said again. The yes was all I could say, really. I had to do it but I needed all my energy to keep myself together. Though I added that this might take a while and she asked why.
Me: “Moving… Miss.”
Remember how I was trying to stay as still as possible? As soon as I moved it felt like my vagina was set on fire again. She seemed to recognise how much I was struggling and said that I was doing very well. She also suggested I could take a video of getting the stuff and putting the plug in. “That will be interesting to see,” she said. She wanted me to realise that all of this was a good thing because she was enjoying herself. It just didn’t register because THE PAIN.
She repeated how I was doing very well, “the pain is cleaning, you are feeling alive!”
I think I rolled my eyes at that, half smiling, half wanting to cry. My expression said, ‘yeah Miss, am feeling so alive right now…’
Miss Lois: “You are coping very well.”
I regained some of my ability to think, which was evident because I replied with an actual sentence this time. I said that I didn’t know how I was managing to keep the clamps on, instead of taking them off, but that this apparently meant this was working out.
She told me that I was managing because I am a slave and have been told not to take them off. She rhetorically asked me if I didn’t realise how powerful this made me because I was in control of myself and my pain was in my hands. That’s the added ‘bonus’ of an online dynamic. I have to do everything. It’s literally in my hands. It makes it so much more difficult to do the really painful things because it means I have to stay with it in order to execute them and have to respond to the pain and deal with that. Also, I didn’t see how powerful that made me. All I could feel was, as I mentioned, pain, lol.
Miss Lois: “We have been discussing pain and torture quite a few times. Now you are in strong pain for the second time. (The first time was when I had to put hot sauce on my clit about which I wrote here) She asked me what I thought about it now that I was experiencing a little glimpse of it.
Me: “I’m feeling like maybe I chose the wrong career path, Miss haha. I don’t know Miss, I just can’t cope.”
Miss Lois: “Yes you can and yes you are.”
She told me to put my elbows inside my legs, instead of outside and to also put my mask on.
Me: “I don’t know why but the clit is burning really intensely now.”
I didn’t say this because I was asking her for mercy. I had pretty much accepted my faith now, though I still couldn’t cope.
Miss Lois: “And I know you think I am asking more and more of you but I am helping you to be a good slave. Once you start crying of pain we can continue a conversation about mercy. For now, you continue your task. I would feel I wouldn’t give you enough credit if I were soft on you and you wouldn’t thank me for it later if I were.”
She was right of course. I was happy that she knew me better than I did because the only thing my brain seemed to care about was trying to get out of this pain. Reading it back later though, it made me proud that she thought I could take this and that if she wasn’t pushing me, she wouldn’t be giving me enough credit.
I sent her four pictures and said that I thought my eyes had been tearing up since the start but that I didn’t think I was capable of crying. “i cant take this anymore…”
She told me to show her a video of my face. You can find it here on OnlyFans.
Is it over now? I thought. Will I be able to take them off now? Please, Miss. You have to see that I can’t take anymore. Please have mercy!
Miss Lois: “You are doing well, now try to make yourself cum. See how that goes. When I see a tear you can take the mask off. And I want you to try and make yourself cum with the clamps on.”
Oh god, no. My heart sank. I mean my heart sank every time when she told me to make myself cum after she’d put me through a lot of pain or exhausting session and I was ready to collapse. She literally always made me do this. And she always made me do this when she had already pushed me far beyond what I thought I was capable of. She hates me, is what I thought every time, lol. In a fun-loving way, of course.
All I said in response to her order was whether I could use a vibrator. She said yes and added that if I could manage she’d love to see a video but that making myself cum was more important. Oh, and I was to take one clamp off just before I came and the other one while I was cumming.
Four minutes in and I send her a message that I couldn’t cum. “Too much pain?” she asked. I can’t cum when I’m in too much pain. This has literally never worked out before. I know that a lot of people can simply be forced to do so but I don’t seem to be one of them. Force never works, my vagina needs perfect moderation lol.
I sent her a three-minute-long video of when I was trying to make myself orgasm which can be found here on my OnlyFans page.
She wanted to know how wet I was and I said “very wet I think I don’t know Miss.”
Miss Lois: “Check.”
(No wait, sorry that’s not what I meant Miss, I did check.)
Me: “I did Miss it feels very wet.”
Miss Lois: “Wetter than before?”
Me: “I think so Miss.”
She wasn’t satisfied yet… I hadn’t been pushed far enough yet…
Miss Lois: “You have two options.
Make yourself cum with the clips on and take them off when you are cumming or take them off now and make yourself cum immediately after. If you take them off without being close to cumming it will be very painful. Either way, I want a video of you taking them off.”
Shit, I thought. She’s right… Taking them off suddenly seemed like something I didn’t at all want to do. But how did I get myself to cum like this? Was I even capable of doing so? Fuck me.
I sent her a video, without my mask on which I look pretty broken down and in a lot of pain. I suppose it looks as if I have been crying and am on the verge of crying. I sent the video with the caption of how this was me while the clamps are still on and I didn’t know what to do.
Miss Lois: “I would suggest to try and get yourself to cum and if you realise that you can’t manage to, take them off while still having the vibrator stimulate you.
And you can let go, you can cry.
You deserve it.
Actually, I want you to let go and cry as much as you want.”
I struggled to let go. Maybe this is because it’s online and I had to keep myself together to ensure that I could do what was being asked of me, or maybe it’s because I couldn’t be that vulnerable yet. Maybe it was both. But I certainly cried. I couldn’t stop it anymore.
Six minutes later she told me to give her an update. I had been doing what she’d suggested and as by clockwork, somehow, I happened to sent her the video (without mask) and pictures right as she said it.
The wet patch is squirt. I had squirted so much that once I took the cover off you could see this:
Me: “Can’t cum, there was a lot of squirt at the start, there’s probably a part in the video where I’m looking shocked at seeing the squirt coming out. It hurts more now that the clamps are off.”
Miss Lois: “I told you.”
Yes… yes you did but did I have a choice? No… they were on… they were going to have to come off one way or another!!
She asked me how I was feeling which was shaky and unsure of how to cope. She told me I’d done very well to cope with all that pain. She repeated it. She also said that the squirt showed that all of this was arousing (very arousing then considering the amount of squirt!) but that not cumming meant it was on a very high level which blocked my nerve paths from transmitting anything else.
Me: “You mean nerves could only transmit pain, Miss?”
Miss Lois: “That is a possible explanation, that your mind was on overload.”
Me: “I’m not feeling the same as I did when with the hot sauce Miss.”
Miss Lois: “That’s ok. It was very different. It will take you a little longer to realise how well you have done.”
At the end of our session with the hot sauce (here), I felt completely at peace and happy. I had never felt that peaceful before. It was incredible. I wish I could stay in that feeling forever. This time I felt like I wanted to crawl into a corner and be unconscious.
Me: “I’m feeling like I’m… breaking down depressed wise.”
Miss Lois: “But you have done so well.”
Me: “It doesn’t stop it from happening this time… I don’t know why but I just
Well you know how it goes when I break down Miss”
She wondered about what triggered it and I suggested that maybe the only way I could cope with the pain was by dissociating (which puts me in those break downs).
Miss Lois: “Did you?”
I said that I didn’t think I fully could have because of the pain, which kept me in my body to some extent. Yet I felt like I’d stayed in some state of removal because all I could feel was the pain and the nothing. I also said that I was having the type of dissociating break down a minute ago but that I then managed to push myself out of it and went into the numb state that I tend to go in after such a breakdown.
Miss Lois: “It is interesting how you can analyse your state of mind but don’t seem to be able to alter it.”
That is honestly a question that has kept me thinking for months, years? I can analyse what is happening in my mind and I know that it is happening and yet I can’t do anything to stop it. It just happens.
I said something about the squirting and she added that she thought it was interesting that I squirted so hard but couldn’t cum and then also felt bad about it afterwards.
Me: “Honestly I think this is the worst pain I’ve suffered for you so far and I don’t think I would ever long for this kind of pain again. It felt like a real punishment. At the same time, I am thinking or hoping that I was doing good and made you happy. And now I am starting to feel a bit bad for…
Overreacting? Feeling like I am unable to cope?
I feel like I should have done better to please you.”
Miss Lois: “You have done extremely well.
Much better than I could ask for.”
Me: “How is it much better than you could ask for Miss?
Shouldn’t I be feeling good about it?”
Miss Lois: “Yes that is true but you pushed yourself very far and did not take the clamps off when you thought you couldn’t cope.
You were extremely dedicated and you should be proud of that and feel good about it.
But there is no pressure for you to feel good about it. You feel the way you feel.
And for that, no one should punish you.”
I was feeling bad because I thought that my response to all of this was bad. I was feeling bad for not feeling good. I thought it was expected of me to feel good and therefore was worried that I was did something wrong and that’s the biggest trigger for my spirals.
I thanked her for saying that and asked her if she enjoyed it then, regardless of how I felt. She said absolutely and that she loved how I didn’t give up and pushed through for her, and that I squirted so much.
She reiterated it again and asked me if I would be ok. I thought I was now, and so she left as she had to go.
Miss Lois: “Ok, have a good day. It was a pleasure, as always.”
This is how I managed to get the wet spot out of my mattress… lol.
I dressed and sent her a picture, as always as it was a rule, and was smiling in it. I mean, I always had to smile as well but the smile looks genuine.
This was the first session in which I ever cried.
Previous post in from my journey with Lois: I don’t want to win
Next post in from my journey with Lois: Triggering Dissociation with a Task
A very erotic and sexy image.
Hi Marie Louise,
This is one of my favorites among your posts.
I am in awe of miss Lois, confidently pushing you that far. How long had you known each other at this point? (1500 pictures worth, I guess ) I would be worried about pushing someone that far, unless I knew them very well.
As usual, you take a nice picture on both sides of the camera. Body, pose, lighting, composition, all very appealing, revealing and, of course, very hot.
But it is still the mental part that fascinates me the most about you and your blog. How you so matter-of-factly talk about being on the verge of a breakdown. That you almost like an outside observer can recognize and account for what is going on with you, but not be able to control it. Although you still managed to push yourself away from a disassociating breakdown and into your numb state.
Have you thought more about why you reacted as you did here and why it was so different from with the hot sauce? Was it perhaps because you didn’t manage to orgasm as miss Lois wanted you to? That you felt you let her down that way?
I feel I learn something worthwhile from reading your blog. How often can you say that about looking at porn?
All the best,
Your comments often put a smile on my face and make me think as well. It’s funny you say 1500 pictures worth because I’m pretty sure that was indeed the amount we’d gotten to by then! I think she’d been training me for almost a year by this point, and I’d known her for almost two years (though the year prior to training we only talked on and off).
It’s always the biggest compliment to hear that the mental part or the writing is more fascinating or interesting than the erotic pictures. That’s certainly why I write all these posts, especially the ones about the past because I think if someone were to read them all in order, it’ll show progression and the amount of thought and everything that went into my training and how much of a positive difference it made to my life and who I am.
I think I can talk about being on the verge of breakdown so matter of factly because I’ve been experiencing these breakdowns since I was 13 and have described them to people many, many times (though I don’t think I ever manage to describe them right). I did think about why this time was different and I think it had to do with the fact that I had to dissociate in order to cope? potentially? And when I dissociate I hate myself for doing it because I worry that it hurts or bothers other people or that I am no longer able to function appropriately. That then caused the dissociation to be negative and turn into a breakdown (as I can also dissociate to like control my anxiety, which is positive) and then the fact that I couldn’t orgasm indeed made me feel like I was letting her down even more so that made it worse.
Haha, not often, I guess? I’m really glad that you do on my porn blog 😉
Hi Marie Louise,
I am not as clairvoyant as you may think, you wrote in your piece that you had 1500 pictures in your picture history.
I think a year sounds like a realistic amount of time to learn to know somebody that well, if you really pay attention. I assume you explained what was going on with you to miss Lois along the way over that year? But even with a lot of feedback, it takes a certain kind of empathy to take it in and use it as masterfully as she did to you.
To my embarrassment, I noticed that I need to teach my spell check not to turn dissociation into disassociation.
I think you describe what is going on with you unusually well. That is what is so interesting about reading your blog. I don’t think I have read such clear descriptions before. Often people write some version of “I shut down and it was terrible.” That leaves you frustrated, if you are trying to understand from the outside.
Oh, and the “floppy part” – way to set an erotic mood!
All the best,
Definitely a painful experience. I’m amazed that you managed it.
Me too… When I was writing this and seeing it I was like, how did I? I couldn’t possibly do this again. I suppose I can do anything though, if it’s for a Mistress. No just simply isn’t possible (which is quite similar to what I’m like in my vanilla life as well. There’s always a way!)
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Some Dominant had me do that and had me measure my lips (down there).
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