Content warning: self-harm and suicidal thoughts
There were two weeks between when we tried out the inflatable butt plug, and Lois’ next message. In her message she apologised, saying it was a really busy time at work and that it would stay like this for a while longer and hoped that all was well with me.
Two weeks later she sent me another message, apologising again and said that work was crazy. She said that she had been posted to Singapore on short notice.
The next message came a full month later. It wasn’t strange at all for there to be absences for one or two weeks at a time but a full month had been a first. And really, it had been two months now with barely any contact. I wasn’t doing too well. (However, all other stable things in my life had stopped being stable. Five months prior I had, out of desperation, signed up with a private therapist, for which I was going to pay with a summer job in housekeeping and therapy hadn’t helped. It had felt like this was the last help I could get, as the NHS wasn’t doing anything, so the fact this ended, with no results and that I was now out of money didn’t help. Additionally, uni ended for a bit so people had left, football had stopped and everything just wasn’t great.)
This time when Lois messaged me, we had a proper conversation and she responded to my messages and tried to make me see that I was an amazing slave and still making progress. She said that my depression would get better. It would. She also said that her time restriction was immense at the moment, which meant she couldn’t really guide me right now. She could pop in now and then to use me, and that she’d been thinking about what to do.
She thought of getting me in contact with a friend of hers so that I could keep on developing. She said she was worried that if I went out on my own now I might run into someone who would abuse me because I’m so willing to please and didn’t have the experience to distinguish some rare genuine Mistresses and someone who just wants to abuse me.
I said some depressive things and she asked me if I cared if I got abused. I said that I wish I didn’t care.
She asked if I wanted to go on cam for her.
I said I thought I wanted to, though I wasn’t looking very good.
She then told me to go on cam for her.
I undressed and tried on some outfit for her when she noticed the cuts on my leg. I had cut myself earlier that week, on my leg, close to my ankle. They were a few lines/cuts, of which the deeper one was still half-open on the surface level (somehow?)
She asked me what that was, of course, and I felt very ashamed to admit to what I’d done. It had honestly been a few years since I’d done anything like this. I hadn’t done it because of her absence, though it contributed. All the stable things in my life had stopped being stable.
She wanted to know how I felt about this. I was ashamed and regretted it. I regretted it before I had even talked to her. At the same time, I knew that at that moment there was nothing else I could do. It was better than the alternative which was suicide, I guess. She agreed, but she didn’t want me to ever do it again.
She told me to get the hot sauce and to smear it in the wound.
(I don’t know if this is advisable to do. Probably not.)
Every single time I am told to use the hot sauce I start shaking a little bit. That’s how scared I am. I swallowed, feeling so, so, so much regret for cutting myself.
I used a cotton bud for the sauce and I can still remember how much it stung. Imagine rubbing salt in a wound except the salt is on fire and the longer it’s touching the wound, the more it starts burning and rather quickly, it felt like half my leg was on fire.
She wanted me to put a plaster over it and then told me to wear my high boots.
I’m not exactly sure what we did after that. But over the course of our two-hour long conversation, I ended up in a deeply submissive headspace. It’s incredible when it happens because it means I start to simply obey without worrying much.
She often asked how my cut was doing and when I asked her if I could go to the toilet she told me to pee in a bottle instead.
After this, she said we were going to go for a walk around the neighbourhood so I could drink up my bottle of pee. But first, we were going to try out some outfits, by which she meant she’d tell me what to try on and I’d try it on in front of the cam.
I felt really anxious but capable of doing it at the same time. The only reason I felt slightly capable was because of the submissive headspace I’d fallen into. Trying out these different outfits aroused me. She asked me which one I’d feel most comfortable wearing but I can’t remember if that’s the one I wore in the end.
In the end, I was wearing a short, tight blue skirt with a thin, yellow top. I wasn’t wearing any underwear. I was also wearing the knee-high boots with heels too high for me, as well as a handbag strapped over one shoulder. (In hindsight, this isn’t as slutty as I remember it to be. It’s kind of like a normal outfit. But back then I felt absolutely naked and exposed. Perception, huh.)
All the while, my cut was burning very, very intensely. It wasn’t even as much the cut anymore and more felt like that part of my leg was simply on fire. This is what it feels like when the sauce touches me on any place too. Like it spreads.
For our walk, we were on video call on my phone. We didn’t audibly talk to each other and texted instead and I think it’s fitting that I share the exact transcript with you.
Started a video chat
ML: Okay Mistress
Lois: You brought the bottle?
ML: Wait is it still on? (the video chat)
(I had stepped out of the front door, locked it and then froze in place)
ML: There’s a postman I’m feeling shy
(He came walking up to me. I pushed my legs together and crossed my arms over my chest in an attempt to cover my boobs and visible nipples. I tried to hide behind the wall but he was literally coming up to me to deliver a package. He handed it to me and looked a little… well… you know when you dress the way I dressed? People look… yknow? And I just wanted to sink into the ground and aaaaah. I said thanks when he handed me the package. Then he walked away.)
Lois: Well done
Lois: Have a sip
Lois: To calm you down
(To calm me down? A sip of my own pee? Really? When has that ever calmed down anyone?)
Lois: Ok, let’s go
Lois: Just to the gate
Lois: Slow down
Lois: You are doing well
Lois: Don’t just walk on tiny paths
(The above messages were all sent at roughly 20-30 seconds apart from one another. From where I lived, I had to pass two houses before being able to turn into a small deserted path, which leads to another street with houses.)
ML: This is the normal way out of here Mistress
(I mean, I could have also walked out of my street and the long way around to reach the next street but I usually always took this path so…)
Lois: Ah, ok
Lois: Exciting adventure, right?
ML: Yeah Mistress
ML: I spotted another human
Lois: Walk past them
(I stood frozen in place)
(Still frozen in place)
Lois: I want to see them
ML: They might have gone inside?
Lois: What are you doing?
(A cat appeared and I crouched down to pet it. The presence of this cat was the only calming thing at that moment and I was quite desperate to hold onto it.)
ML: Sorry I found a cat
Lois: Find yourself a person to walk past
ML: There is a car driving past
ML: Slash parking
ML: Next to me
Lois: Your nipples are very hard
Lois: Nicely visible
ML: Great Mistress
Lois: And the strap of the bag actually makes the shirt stick even tighter around your boobs and shows them off nicely
ML: Also good I guess Mistress
Lois: Try and find some people, it’s so quiet here
ML: Yes Mistress this street seems empty
(Yes, the fact that these streets were empty was my one saving grace!)
Lois: I want people to see your gorgeous legs, bum and tits and your makeup
Lois: Well done
(At that moment I walked past someone who was doing his garden and he was definitely turning his head to look at me.)
ML: Man hidden behind his tree that he is cutting
Lois: Go close ish and take a sip
(Aaaah, aaah, aaaaaaahhh. I took another sip of my own pee. It tasted very bitter-y but wasn’t as hard to cope with as it was just being there, on display.)
ML: Well that van the guy who was driving it
ML: He def turned his head around
ML: Very obviously
(A van had passed me. A man was driving it and his window was rolled down. He very very clearly looked at me as he drove past and I felt so hot and sweaty and like I was going to burst out of embarrassment.)
Lois: Nicely done
Lois: Proud of you
(I just kept on walking, pretending I was just, you know, a normal person passing through the neighbourhood. Like I wasn’t wearing this tiny skirt with nothing underneath, and this thin shirt with my nipples pointing through, walking on high heeled boots, the heels too high for me to walk, and carrying around a bottle filled with my own pee.)
(And whereas Lois seemed super excited, I was definitely panicking!)
ML: Another parked car right where I am
(I listened instantly. I stopped right next to this car that had parked next to me.)
Lois: Have a sip
Lois: Drinking your own piss in public while wearing no underwear and showing off your tits and nipples. How does that feel?
ML: Incredibly awkward Mistress
Lois: Do you think you are wet?
ML: Yes Mistress
Lois: Are you enjoying yourself?
ML: I don’t think so? Mistress? Idk?
Lois: You don’t know?
ML: I mean I feel stressed about doing this? Mistress
Lois: Does it make you wet or not?
ML: Yes Mistress
ML: Just got a message that I’ve used 80% of my data.
ML: Assuming it’s the video
(I didn’t feel relieved that my data was running out, though perhaps it would mean the end of this incredible anxiety-inducing experience. Instead, the idea of being disconnected made me more anxious because I’d be left on my own and also potentially taking away Lois’ pleasure of seeing me do this.)
Lois: You can use the kinky budget to top it up for this month
Lois: Don’t want this to be the reason for you being offline
ML: Yes Mistress
ML: Just letting you know in case it cuts off and I need to top up and it takes a minute
Lois: How is it to drink your own wee?
ML: Surprisingly tasteless Mistress
ML: It’s starting to rain
ML: Love Scotland
Lois: Have another sip
Lois: You might be anxious but you must admit, it feels exciting
ML: It’s also funny bc this is the first thing I’m drinking today
Lois: I lost video
ML: Yeah the data
ML: I topped it up now
Lois: What a good girl you are
ML: Saying that, battery is on 34% now was 80 when we started
(Old phone, ha)
Lois: You can go back now
ML: And I guess there must be a feeling of excitement somewhere but I can’t feel it, Mistress. Actually, when I start laughing about this I can.
ML: Okay Mistress
ML: I think the population in this neighbourhood is old people
ML: Because a lot of people are home
ML: Inside or outside working in their garden
Lois: That’s very good
Lois: Before you go in you have to finish your drink
ML: Yes Mistress
ML: It’s really painful to walk
ML: Ankles yes I think Mistress. Plus the toes. And kind of like I don’t know what it is called. The place where the feet, where all the weight is on in this angle
Lois: Balls of the feet?
Lois: Everything but the ankles does not mater
ML: Yes probably Mistress
Lois: You are a slave. You are in pain, what does it matter?
ML: Only matters if I can’t do my task I guess Mistress which is not the case right now
ML: 21% I think we’ll just about make it
Lois: Very good timing
ML: We’re in my street now
Lois: Don’t forget to finish your drink
ML: Of course Mistress
(I had about one-third of the drink left. I am really good at downing liquid, so I wasn’t too worried. The trick is to not swallow or taste anything until everything is in your mouth and then do it in one go.)
ML: Ok more flavour this time
Lois: Well done
Lois: How wet are you now?
ML: Reasonably wet Mistress
Lois: Oh, not that wet then
ML: Yes Mistress. I was more wet showing clothes
(I didn’t think it was surprising at all that I wasn’t that wet anymore. Anxiety kills my arousal and I’m not an exhibitionist so being exposed like that doesn’t arouse me in that sense. What was arousing to me was Lois telling me what to do and being in control of it and making me do it even though I was terrified.)
I had to get ready for my doctor’s appointment and our conversation went where I knew it would go but didn’t want it to go. She said that she might not be in touch for a while and that she didn’t want me to get depressed by her absence. The main rule she gave me was to do whatever I thought might help me feel better.
Lois: You look so gorgeous it’s such a shame that you feel so sad
Lois: You deserve happiness
Lois: And you will find it
Lois: You are so strong
Lois: If anyone can, you can
Lois: You impress me every time we speak
Lois: You are amazing. All you need to do is realise it
And then I went to the doctor. We didn’t speak for the next three weeks but when we did the conversation was one I hoped we’d never have.
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I imagine the whole experience feeling very lonely and vulnerable..You’re showing a lot of inner strength sharing with Lois about your cutting and what you’re feeling. I think you look very attractive in your outfit. I can understand your discomfort since wearing the clothes doesn’t feel like you. I find when I’m feeling down and would like to disappear, I have to work very hard to change my focus away from the negative. I now play music that is positive for me or get out into nature or pet my little dog. My heart is with you as you go through this dark valley. From reading so many of your blogs I do believe you have the strength within to work this through. Can you communicate with any of your compassionate friends even they’re not near you? Even just passing the time in general conversation helps me begin to walk out of the valley and towards a meadow. Perhaps writing on your self “I am strong.” “i’m a good slave.” “I’m an obedient slave” will help you literally feel your new qualities..
Hey, thank you. The positive thing is that this was about a year ago so I’m no longer in this place. I’m still recapping the things I did with Lois though I am getting closer to reach the end of that storyline now!
I ended up going to my dad for a while back then where I could see some of my friends and that all really helped.
Dear Marie Louise,
You had hinted that there was a bad period coming up in your retelling of your time with Miss Lois. So, here it is.
How did you experience the hot sauce in your wounds at the time? Did it feel like a punishment, or a way to put you in enough pain to dissociate? Did you feel Miss Lois was punishing you or trying to do you a favor?
You only talk about it in the beginning, but I assume it was burning throughout. Did you push it in the background, or is it just that you can only say that it hurts and burns so many times?
What about afterwards? Did it delay your wounds healing? It seems like such an unsexy pain, but that doesn’t really make a difference to you, does it?
What did this experience do to your mood afterwards? Did it pull you out of your depression, or did it just make you forget in the moment, so you were back where you had been the next day?
I know this is the past you are retelling and that you are in a different place today, but it still made me feel so sad for you to read it.
All the best,
Here it is indeed.
I don’t really know re the hot sauce. It felt right for her to punish me, which is what I needed. It wouldn’t have felt right if she had let it pass because I suppose it’s showing care, in some way.
It was impossible to push the burning to the background. The sauce can’t really be ignored and I had to wear it till the end of the day. But it didn’t really make a difference to the task at hand, as I just needed to get on with that so in that sense it was in the background of my mind I suppose.
I don’t think it delayed my wound’s healing.
It didn’t pull me out of my depression much because I knew this was probably going to be some sort of end to something. If that wasn’t the case this would have pulled me out of my depression.
I can relate to being deep in that submissive space although I am not sure I would be able to go that far. While it sounds really hot in many ways that yii did this is also makes me feel sad for you that you felt so bad. I am glad that things have moved on for you a bit
Honestly, I don’t understand how I managed and can’t imagine doing this!
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I’m so glad you’re past this stage. What she asked of you was tough but I could see myself doing it to please her. It seemed to help you at the time and that is important to consider. But I’m still glad that you are in a better place now. Even if you sometimes revisit the darkness.
Thank you Michael, so am I. I was really happy with having done it, to be honest. It felt like conquering fear for her, but I’m sad I didn’t really get to enjoy that feeling because of how the dynamic developed or well, not developed haha
The nipples give a sign
I can only imagine how lonely it must’ve make you feel when she disappeared and am sorry your mental health got worse. The experience of drinking your own pee is something I don’t think I would be able to do, but then again when we are in a submissive headspace, we do things we otherwise think are not possible. Love the images you have shared.
Oh I remember feeling that way about pee. I remember it being brought in rather slowly in that at first she’d make me squirt in a bowl, then only use the squirt to wipe written words off my body, then at some point she’d make me pee in a bowl, not drink it yet and eventually… well. haha.
The things we do when in a submissive headspace indeed.
Thank you Marie!
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