(Reminder that my posts about Lois are a re-telling and took place over a year ago)
In my messages to Lois during her absence, I had started spiralling some more. Like I mentioned in the previous post, uni had broken up, football had stopped, I didn’t have access to therapy or MH help, and I was working in housekeeping full time and god, that was sucking my soul out. Additionally, my ‘friend’ only wanted to hang out with me when it was convenient for her, which didn’t help. In a message to Lois I had asked her if she thought she would always be this busy from now on and I had wondered if the end of our last conversation had meant that I needed to let her go.
When Lois came online she said that she was probably going to be that busy. On one hand, she said she was sorry I was struggling so much right now, but she also thought I had developed so much and that while the pain would pass, my development would stay with me. She wasn’t just referring to my overall MH. She was referring to the effect of the end of our dynamic.
I asked her why we couldn’t find a way to make it work regardless of if she were busy? She’d been busy in the past. It wasn’t odd for us to not talk for a few weeks sometimes. I had struggled with those times but we always acknowledged this and it had gotten better over time. I hadn’t addressed her as Mistress.
She said it would be better not to because it would be better for me in the mid to long term. She didn’t say anything about how I wasn’t addressing her properly. I know you know how that feels if you’re a submissive. It’s heartbreaking. The rules she once gave me because she cared for me gone. The real sign that the dynamic is over. I stopped caring about my tone or what I said. It’s like a teenager acting out I guess, hoping the other party will reprimand to show you that they care.
Lois: I know how strong you are and that you can make it.
ML: Have you ever had to count the minutes in a day. A year is so long. Everyone depends on me to make it. I mean there is nothing else anyone can do but no one else has to live this. No one knows. It’s not that simple. Maybe I can make it but I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to do this anymore. And I’m sorry because I never meant to hurt anyone.
One of the most frustrating things for me is having to carry my experience alone. People say encouraging things like how they know I’m strong and that they know I can make it but it makes me feel like, well what if I don’t want to make it? What if I don’t want to be strong. Why can you decide that I can do this? You don’t know what I’m feeling and I just want it to stop.
ML: This isn’t going to go away. But we don’t have to talk about this. It’s not your job to talk me down.
Lois: The most important thing is for you to get better. I don’t care what that means to you as a slave. I want you to get better first. Stable. Everything else can come later.
ML: Don’t you think that for me to get better it would be better to have a stable ‘environment’ aka, this shouldn’t change?
It really helped me to know that she was there without necessarily having to be there. It was the knowing that there was someone who cared about me. And if that meant the whole development and training thing wasn’t there, then that’d be ok too. I had always been working on getting better. Pills, doctors, referrals. I pleaded that none of that had changed but that if this would, it would affect me really badly.
Lois: You will get better. I know you will. You’re strong and you’ve gotten a lot stronger in the last year or so.
ML: You didn’t answer my question. Does that mean you disagree with what I just said?
Lois: I do agree but I can’t help it. Things just changed.
Lois: We knew there was always a chance that I’d have to move. It happened and I am sorry for it.
I asked her if this meant she was going to disappear out of my life after this conversation would end. She said, depending on me, she could say hi every now and then but that if I thought it was easier, she could also just keep her distance. I preferred it if she would say hi sometimes. With that, our dynamic seemed to have ended indefinitely.
But no, the story isn’t finished yet.
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That must have been so tough
I definitely didn’t know how to cope and wouldn’t want to go back to a moment like that ever again
Intense ML – I’m glad this is way back & things are better now but this was a big hurdle for you to get over – especially with your other supports stripped away. Xoxo
Yes it really was. Thank you Posy
Even though I know this is some time ago that this happened, I am sad for you. Sad that it had to end.
Times and experiences like these are really are the pits. All your points and hers are so true. Having made it through times that feel like devastation and abandonment, when they come again, they still feel from the inside out so overwhelming or energy sucking. For me I know I’ve made it through times parallel to yours many many times, yet the re-experience emotionally is still painful even if logically and factually, I know I’ve survived and thrived. Yechhh! For me the re-occurrences and just recalling the occurences are time of reexperiencing loss and of grieving again.
There are ways I’ve found to make my way , yet surviving and finding the strength to make a next step still take so much emotional and psychic energy.
You’ve recalled and retold such a time so well along with naming where you ‘ve now come to. That is a part of healing you know so well. Thank you.
They really really are the pits indeed. And you’re very right that when they come again it’s like you still have this lingering ghost from the last time. I suppose it’s a very universal experience because we all want to belong and find that sense of safety and familiarity and love with someone. Thank you
While that moment was so very hard to deal with, history shows that you did deal with it and have now moved past it. I’m proud of you. Stay safe!
Yes indeed Though we picked it back up again after this. But then ofc it still ended again and I moved past that so thank you
Dear Marie Louise,
Breakups never come at a convenient time, do they?
I know she had told you (from the start?) that it would probably end this way and that she had talked about not wanting you to become too attached to her, but that didn’t really work out, did it?
Looking back, how do you see the nature of your relationship? It looks like it started as her guiding you into BDSM, showing you the ropes (BDSM humor) and being what I have called a training wheels dominant, strictly an introduction to BDSM based on a friendship and nothing more. That it looked like she knew from the start that was all she really had to offer.
But it looks like it became more and it became deeper. She became your Mistress in a more formal sense and you certainly became more emotionally involved (I would guess that she did too) and you came to rely on her for stability and as a sort of anchor point. Do you think she became more involved than she intended to?
I am surprised that she didn’t talk to you at such long intervals. You sound like that was not just at the end? There is the saying that you can always make time for what you care about, and I would certainly think that she cared more for and about you than that. That somehow doesn’t add up to me. I certainly had a sense that she cared about your well-being – perhaps more than she intended or wanted to. I also got the sense that she was very deliberate in the experiences and scenes she took you through. So it seems out-of-character thoughtless just to let it peter out like that.
I only know your relationship from your side. I understand that she may have seen it and experienced it differently, but I would have expected her to be more deliberate in the break-up process. That she would have taken the initiative to tell you clearly and unambiguously that it was over, rather than letting you work it out through her absence and her ignoring your tone of address. But perhaps she was struggling to take the deep breath and make the cut she knew would hurt you.
It probably wouldn’t have hurt less that way. And you wouldn’t have been in a better place mentally, but still…
With all that, your re-telling of your relationship is still a testimony to your devotion to her and of your gratitude for how she guided you and made you grow as a submissive. On the whole, I think the relationship was good for you, and just because the end was less than ideal, doesn’t mean that the rest of the relationship was not valuable and a memory to be treasured.
I know you are in a different place now and things with Roxy might be going somewhere. I would be happy for you, if that works out for you.
All the best,
They never do, no!
Of course not being attached didn’t work out. I think she would have been a fool also if she thought that would work. It’s not in the nature of a slave anyway. It’s part of the dynamic. It can’t work otherwise.
The story isn’t over yet, so I’m not going to look back just yet. There are quite a few posts still left to come.
I also never really understood what and why when she stopped talking for such long intervals. It kinda makes no sense and I can’t make sense of it. Especially to let it die out like that, especially because it felt like things were planned too, with like the inflatable butt plug and the vibrator which until then we’d only used that one time.
Anyhow, there’s more left to come. For now, I’m quite happy where I’m at with Roxy 🙂
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