(Reminder that my posts about Lois are a re-telling and took place over a year ago)
In my messages to Lois during her absence, I had started spiralling some more. Like I mentioned in the previous post, uni had broken up, football had stopped, I didn’t have access to therapy or MH help, and I was working in housekeeping full time and god, that was sucking my soul out. Additionally, my ‘friend’ only wanted to hang out with me when it was convenient for her, which didn’t help. In a message to Lois I had asked her if she thought she would always be this busy from now on and I had wondered if the end of our last conversation had meant that I needed to let her go.
When Lois came online she said that she was probably going to be that busy. On one hand, she said she was sorry I was struggling so much right now, but she also thought I had developed so much and that while the pain would pass, my development would stay with me. She wasn’t just referring to my overall MH. She was referring to the effect of the end of our dynamic.
I asked her why we couldn’t find a way to make it work regardless of if she were busy? She’d been busy in the past. It wasn’t odd for us to not talk for a few weeks sometimes. I had struggled with those times but we always acknowledged this and it had gotten better over time. I hadn’t addressed her as Mistress.
She said it would be better not to because it would be better for me in the mid to long term. She didn’t say anything about how I wasn’t addressing her properly. I know you know how that feels if you’re a submissive. It’s heartbreaking. The rules she once gave me because she cared for me gone. The real sign that the dynamic is over. I stopped caring about my tone or what I said. It’s like a teenager acting out I guess, hoping the other party will reprimand to show you that they care.
Lois: I know how strong you are and that you can make it.
ML: Have you ever had to count the minutes in a day. A year is so long. Everyone depends on me to make it. I mean there is nothing else anyone can do but no one else has to live this. No one knows. It’s not that simple. Maybe I can make it but I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to do this anymore. And I’m sorry because I never meant to hurt anyone.
One of the most frustrating things for me is having to carry my experience alone. People say encouraging things like how they know I’m strong and that they know I can make it but it makes me feel like, well what if I don’t want to make it? What if I don’t want to be strong. Why can you decide that I can do this? You don’t know what I’m feeling and I just want it to stop.
ML: This isn’t going to go away. But we don’t have to talk about this. It’s not your job to talk me down.
Lois: The most important thing is for you to get better. I don’t care what that means to you as a slave. I want you to get better first. Stable. Everything else can come later.
ML: Don’t you think that for me to get better it would be better to have a stable ‘environment’ aka, this shouldn’t change?
It really helped me to know that she was there without necessarily having to be there. It was the knowing that there was someone who cared about me. And if that meant the whole development and training thing wasn’t there, then that’d be ok too. I had always been working on getting better. Pills, doctors, referrals. I pleaded that none of that had changed but that if this would, it would affect me really badly.
Lois: You will get better. I know you will. You’re strong and you’ve gotten a lot stronger in the last year or so.
ML: You didn’t answer my question. Does that mean you disagree with what I just said?
Lois: I do agree but I can’t help it. Things just changed.
Lois: We knew there was always a chance that I’d have to move. It happened and I am sorry for it.
I asked her if this meant she was going to disappear out of my life after this conversation would end. She said, depending on me, she could say hi every now and then but that if I thought it was easier, she could also just keep her distance. I preferred it if she would say hi sometimes. With that, our dynamic seemed to have ended indefinitely.
But no, the story isn’t finished yet.