Some people are afraid of getting older but what I’m really afraid of is a certain kind of change that comes with the passing of time. You can be the closest of friends with someone, which feels so secure that you think it will always last, but time passes and things change. Either the people themselves change or the situation around them changes and what once meant so much no longer is. Happy memories are captured in pictures but when you look at them now they represent a loss, a yearning for what once was and still could have been. The path between you and the other person no longer align.
I believe I’m afraid of changes that come with the passing of time because connections with other people are really important to me. I always felt so alone and disconnected from my family that I didn’t feel like there was much stability or anyone I could count on. Finding a connection and unconditional love through my friends, therefore, means a lot. So when a connection like that ends and becomes unstable it’s like getting stabbed in an old wound. The scars from our upbringing are deep.
I’m afraid of letting go and being let go of but I’ve learned and grown a lot over the years. People change and that’s a wonderful thing and holding onto something because of what it was but no longer is, isn’t healthy nor does it enrich anyone’s life. I no longer look at old pictures and feel like they represent a loss. I’m able to cherish the memories while enjoying the here and now but it took me a long while to ‘let go’ or find myself again after Lois.
Lois shaped me into someone she wanted me to be and gave me a lot of stability through our dynamic. I knew she would be there for me and that we’d made some sort of commitment to each other. I could trust that she wouldn’t reject me because of my mental health issues and that it was safe to share them with her. On another level, I knew what she meant when she said she wanted me to dress sexy; I knew what kind of clothes she liked for me to wear in daily life; I knew that she always wanted to see me wear stilettos in my pictures. Knowing these things made it easy and offered stability because I was sure of things. I didn’t have to worry about what was right or wrong because she’d very clearly established it for me.
Once that ended it was really strange. It was difficult ‘to be released’ because my mindset was so oriented around pleasing her. As I wrote in a previous post, I saw her in my clothes, toys, the way I walked down the street; Part of her felt entwined with my identity. Now that time has passed my identity has become fully mine again. In a way, lockdown seems to have reset part of my identity too and I feel like I have to figure it out again. It’s scary but in a way, it’s also exciting. The worry that comes from thinking about what dress I should wear turns from initial anxiety into excitement; There’s so much new to explore and I realise that the dynamic with Lois wasn’t perfect and I miss it no more.
When I think about missed connections a few people come to mind. For all of them, our relationship (friendship or romantic) seemed so perfect; I thought they’d remain forever in my life. When looking back, the idea of them remained seemingly perfect but somewhere along the way I realised that the fact it no longer is means it never was; It is right that some relationships simply were.
I wrote this post because since after I saw Roxy on the weekend, I’ve felt like I can start exploring me. I’m not sure if I managed to convey that and don’t think I can quite capture the feeling as of yet but it’s liberating, I suppose. I feel happy today.
This is a really beautiful piece. So wistful and sad but it captures the essence of it being ‘better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’. Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you so much, that’s made me smile
There’s so much new to explore and I realise that the dynamic with Lois wasn’t perfect and I miss it no more.
This is so great to read. It shows an appreciation for what had been but en excitement for the next adventure. Thats real growth Nd I think Lois would be happy about that.
I completely agree with what you say about missed connections with the people who come through life. I have also experienced that and know what you feel.
I’m songlad your weekend with roxy was so positive. It seems to have helped you realign!
Thank you so much. I read this on the day you commented (of course) and it made me smile and feel like you were by my side
I so understand what you say here, and the feelings when you think of those who are no longer in your life. And it always makes me think of something my best friend said to me when we met: people come into our lives, and sometimes they stay connected for 1 year, sometimes for 10 and sometimes for longer, and when they move on, they have taught us something about ourselves, and we shouldn’t be sad, as we couldn’t have grown without them in our lives. I will never forget those words of her, but I definitely get the sad feelings when we look at photographs of people who are not in our lives anymore, for whatever reason. Great post, ML.
Oh yes Marie, the words of your best friend are really good ones to stick to and I think when looking back we’re often able to see this once we can look past the hurt. Thank you!
I’m glad you’re feeling happy! I’m happy for you!
Always good to read that you feel happy!
I think I can appreciate how hard it must be to recover yourself from the sort of relationship that you had. When someone shapes you and makes you theirs, even in a small way, if feels such a significant loss of you as well as them. I think this is why many people shy away from such connections. They are afraid of the vulnerability. Great post with lots to think about. Thank you
Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment Missy. It really makes me smile when the reader connects and understands and is prompted to think about something. Thank you
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Wonderful to have happy days…
It is my belief that everyone we form connections with come into our lives for a reason. Sometimes you don’t learn what that reason is for many years – and the same goes for when the person leaves your life. The old saying one door closes another opens – and thus life moves forward. The important thing is to continually grow and learn from the experience. And you are a person who reflects bravely and that means even thou u hate change, it will work for you.
I remember saying something to you a few months back about change – life situations often bring people in and out of your life. And even when they are not there it is important to remember the past & what you what u meant to each other.
You will always be an admiral young woman, in my eyes
Oh May I appreciate your comments so much. I think your belief is right and so is that saying. And you writing this encourages me. I also remember you saying that about change. Thank you so much, it means a lot. Xx
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