Roxy said she’d got me a present for my birthday. I kind of knew what it would be but tried really hard to suppress my knowledge about it. I struggled with the idea because I wanted it so badly that I couldn’t allow myself to feel happy about it; apparently I don’t think I deserve to be happy.
I was really looking forward to meeting her, however. As I mentioned in the previous post, due to my preparation I hadn’t felt anxious about it all day. I was fine on the bus and on my way to the dungeon until I reached the alleyway. Once I stepped into the alley it felt like I was in the wrong place even though I knew I was at the right address. Roxy wasn’t there yet and unfortunately, there wasn’t a sign that said: “Dungeon” (if only, lol). This place seemed to be the area where catering personal took their breaks and I, dressed like this, had no place to be there.
I called her on the phone and after a few minutes, she came down dressed in her very dom looking like outfit. Meanwhile, I wanted to hide inside the wall of our designated building because I had grown so anxious as clearly I had chosen the wrong outfit. My anxiety was so bad that I literally stopped functioning and was unable to say more than just a few words. Oh god, what am I going to do with this, I thought she might be thinking. She tried to make casual conversation like friends, which helped a little but inside my mind, I was fighting my dissociation. Picture two white ghostly silhouettes wrestling with each other in a pile of words that get scattered everywhere. Fuck off, is what I wanted to tell myself.
Roxy mentioned that she got what I meant about my fringe (I got one when hairdressers re-opened because I wanted a change but I’m not very happy with it) and this calmed me down a little (because we were on the same page, I guess). I then momentarily lingered on how pretty she looked and we must have gone inside after, which is when my anxiety returned in threefold as moving made me increasingly aware of my dress and heels and it just wasn’t working out for me. In the room, she asked me for my wand and after preparing something she moved in front of super awkward me and pointed at the floor. Okay, kneel, I can do that, you’re going to be fine.
The act itself did actually make me feel calmer. Then she presented me my gift, the collar and said “happy birthday,” which I felt really shy about. I’m pretty sure my glance moved from the collar to the side, to the wall, then the other wall, to her face and back to the collar. I had kind of half expected that whoever was going to give me a collar in the future would choose one I didn’t like since there are so many different ones out there (always the optimist). At the same time, I never knew what I wanted my collar to look like anyway but this one looked… just right. And while my nerves were mostly pushing out my other feelings, it made me feel warm inside, surprised and all these other pleasant emotions I can’t quite describe. Really I might have liked to hug her as a sign of appreciation.
She put it around my neck and fastened it, asking if it was too tight. It was a little tight but on purpose.
“How are you feeling?”
Nervous. Anxious. A bit shaky. Happy. Strange. Like I want to feel your touch. Unsure. Excited. All over the place. Like all my words have left me.
“Nervous,” I said.
I hope I smiled because that response should have made me smile.
She told me to take place on what I guess is called a bondage bench? I don’t know, but it meant I was leaning on my knees and elbows and it had a perfect opening for a wand to be pressed on my clit, which clearly was the idea for this and that made me a little more nervous because of my sensitivity levels. She said she had a feeling she didn’t need to use rope to tie me down and I wasn’t sure if that was a ‘suggestion’ that I shouldn’t move or if she actually thought it was unnecessary. Seeing as a wand was involved I had my doubts whether it truly was unnecessary because it seems like as soon as the wand touches my clit my body jerks up. I have a feeling I would do very poorly staying still if she’d told me to. And thus, not long after trying to push the wand against my clit she had to tie me down. And oh my god I cannot cope with the strong sensations! Mind you, I quite like that but it’s difficult to enforce as my body is so desperate to get away and I know I’m quite good at wriggling myself out of situations unless everything is airtight.
I’m not sure how we went from that to the cross on the wall but that’s where we ended up next. I felt a little nervous walking up to it. I guess there’s something rather vulnerable about effectively being tied to the wall with your arms next to your head and legs spread wide. Who would have thought? She positioned me facing the wall and of course, my wrists were too small for the straps of the cross; it’s not a surprise as it was rather difficult for me to buy wrist cuffs that were small enough too. Instead, she had to use rope, which was effective enough and then she started to hit me a little bit. Again, my body responded by trying to get away in whichever way it could, after which she secured my legs too. I felt really quite nervous then! Knowing that you can’t escape because you’re restrained when you already know what the pain feels like is powerful. I think that’s the first time I felt like that.
The pain I felt was quite stingy and really quite quickly my body started shaking uncontrollably. It’s not new to me. My body starts shaking quite extremely in quite a few settings, like when I’m doing planks but it has also happened during CP videos with Belle. Roxy thought it might have to do with the fact I was still wearing heels but I was pretty certain that wasn’t it. The shaking doesn’t actually mean anything bad is happening but it’s really freaking annoying because I can’t control it and it makes me worry that other people are worrying (typical huh).
I tried to readjust my body to make the shaking stop, which did not work. As a result, however, my focus seemed to be tied between the play and my shaking body (like, it’s kind of impossible to ignore it).
She then came up behind me and my natural response was to seem to lean in closer but I was really too tense (aside from whether I could while being restrained anyway). She started speaking. I can’t remember exactly what she said but after every sentence, she paused for a moment so as to let the meaning of what she’d said sink in. I believe she started by saying that I had to get used to saying “Mistress” and that I should and could let go. It felt intimate and it felt safe to say it after about the third sentence as she’d lifted this weight off me by her reassuring words. However, she wasn’t finished yet so I didn’t say it and with every sentence the meaning of what she was saying started piling up. Suddenly I was crying. It felt like she had been able to reach through my walls and touch the real me. The opening to say yes Mistress came but I’d lost my footing and things moved too quickly. If I could go back I’d redo it. I really wanted to say it.
She untied me and while I still stood facing the wall I recovered. I believe she linked a chain to the ring of my collar and said it would be easiest for me if I’d go down on all fours. I appreciated that because of course, I was wondering if I should or not. She took me along and seemed to take note of how fast she should walk for me to be able to keep up. As I’m writing this I realise this was yet another thing I always wanted to do, be leashed and crawl along behind my Mistress.
In the other room, my eyes fell on a weight positioned under a suspension frame. Guess what we’re going to do now, I thought sarcastically. That’s what I had made this rope harness for, of course; it was time for the crotch rope, which I both dreaded and really wanted to do. I felt like we very slowly approaching what was about to happen. It was probably partly on purpose and partly because of having to figure out the logistics. Nonetheless, the little wait increased my anticipation and nerves. The longer it took the more thoughts I got about possibly escaping this predicament (not sure how), while simultaneously trying to accept it was about to happen. While this was happening I no longer felt tense or anxious about other things because I was so focussed on what was happening in front of me.