I was having quite a difficult period in my life. I was quite depressed and the health care system wasn’t helping me. I just started on new anti-depressants which did seem to make a difference, but it wasn’t quite enough. In addition to that, at night, the neighbours were making a lot of noise, which stopped me from sleeping. At the same time, my housemates were trying to kick me out of the house and I had not yet found a new place to live. University course work was starting up and deadlines coming closer, and Miss Lois was pushing my training forward quite quickly (for which I was very grateful, and happy about), but at some point, it all became too much.
I was very insecure and hated myself a lot, as I still do when I start having a depressive breakdown. I asked her: “Do you ever just wish that you would’ve met someone that’s a true slave but without all this extra baggage?”
She pointed out that she had a choice, and chose to train me because she liked working with me and that she liked my ability to go above and beyond.
I was supposed to do a task that day; to masturbate before going to the toilet every time I went to the toilet all day long – and to try and get myself to cum or keep on trying for at least 10 minutes.
At first, I wanted to delay the task a day, which I was allowed to because of my intense headache, but then I decided against it. We were still talking when I had to go to the toilet… but I hadn’t read the task properly… I thought I had to go to the toilet first and masturbate after…
“So what should I do with you now?” Miss Lois said.
I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. How could I have read it wrong and already done the task wrong? But I also felt like I didn’t deserve to be her slave. I felt like there was no back from this, somehow. I just hated myself… completely.
She noticed and mentioned that I seemed to be extremely disappointed in myself… I’m glad she could read me…
I tried to explain how I felt. I felt like I was about to have an emotional breakdown, but it’s kind of impossible to truly describe what that is like. So at a loss of words, I sent her a picture of my face. I was truly close to crying and looked very numb / done with the world.
She told me to get my handcuffs and asked if they could be locked. They can be locked, but it’s too easy to open them again due to the safety mechanism. She then told me to look for a place where I could lock the handcuffs behind, which ended up being the radiator.
I felt scared, afraid of what was to come. I knew I had to be punished for my mistake.
She asked me what would happen if she didn’t punish me. I said that I’d only hate myself more and go down a spiral of thoughts in which I felt like she hated me too and would get rid of me. (I clearly had issues… lol).
We talked a little bit more and then she told me what to do:
I had to put a clamp on my clit and attach my arms to the radiator with my handcuffs. I was to then wait until I really couldn’t bear it anymore. Really couldn’t bear it anymore. She emphasised how she expected me to push myself. Then, when I couldn’t cope anymore, I was to count to five slowly, free my hands, take a picture of myself with spread legs, and could then finally take the clamp off. I was then to put a vibrator on my clit immediately after and message her.
So attaching the clamp is terrible. The initial shock of pain makes me want to bolt towards… something, Idk? My hands also automatically reach for it, but I obviously have to stop them from taking off the clamp. The sensation sends shivers through my body, and makes me sweat a little bit? (from the effort of coping or something?) It also makes me feel a little lightheaded and makes me tense all my arms and legs and everything. The only way I can cope is by trying to put my mind elsewhere, as if I’m not in this room, not naked, and do not have a clamp on my clit. It’s very difficult because I switch between the ‘not being here’ and to the ‘being here’ every 5 to 10 seconds. The clamp on my clit is a pain that keeps on giving, lol. It doesn’t get easier the longer it is on. It’s not a pain I can get used to.
I don’t think I could keep track of the time myself? Or maybe I was able to see the time on my laptop or something. Once a minute passed I’d tell myself: you can do another one. This is nothing. Just one more.
And so I made it to 10 minutes… which sounds incredibly short but it was a real struggle, and longer than I’d ever made it before… so that’s good, I guess.
She then wanted me to try and orgasm again… but spoiler alert, I still couldn’t, not on this new medication…
We eventually reached that conclusion too. I felt exhausted… tired… and again, very disappointed and also worried. Had I really done good enough? Why was I failing today?
She then told me that I deserved a break. I was given two days where I didn’t have to think about any tasks or my slave training. She called it a well deserved time out.
I didn’t know how to feel though…
She said I should feel proud of myself. That I’d made up for my mistakes for wearing the clamp and deserved a break.
But I just felt like crying. In fact, I started crying.
She repeated that I had no reason to dislike myself so much and that I only ever did good. We eventually had to say goodbye for the day.
I ended up finding some peace in the two-day break and felt grateful in hindsight. I don’t think Miss Lois initially knew that I was struggling so much, but I felt safe enough to tell her – and when I messed up my task she helped me by first punishing and then giving me some time.