During my training there’d sometimes be periods where I didn’t need to be punished at all and then suddenly there’d be a streak of instances where I didn’t obey (although it was often a mistake, rather than that I didn’t obey on purpose).
Miss Lois made a (good) point about telling me to tell her why I needed to be punished. She wanted me to be more of an ‘active’ part in my training and to be aware so that I would understand myself and know how I need to be trained and treated. She wanted me to be a conscious slave. So one time she had told me to suggest three punishments, and then to tell her in my own words why I needed to be punished. (You’ve read about one of those punishments by now, as well as the task I failed to execute, but this is just to get into how she’d learn my mind bit.)
So in my own words, I listed the following:
I didn’t obey several tasks that you told me to do. I need to be punished to clear my conscience and to learn from my mistakes.
- You told me to send you a picture without saying anything first (like asking a question or making a comment). I didn’t do this and said something before sending the picture. Then I also sent the wrong picture, which wasn’t what you had asked for.
- I didn’t call you ‘Miss’ when I should have.
- I didn’t wear the heels at the airport and didn’t take a selfie with the heels in the middle of the airport.
She then asked me if my mistakes weighted my conscience down, or if was just a tiny speck in the back of my mind. I felt like they were weighing it down. To me, doing wrong or disappointing feels like the worst crime I can commit, (which probably sounds extreme but I am quite hard on myself).
The conversation continued. I didn’t really understand it then, but it was a way for her to understand how my mind works. She often did this; paint scenarios and ask how I felt about it.
So she said: What if I don’t punish you for a few weeks for your transgressions?
And I answered that: Then in the back of my mind, I’d constantly worry about how I did wrong and haven’t made up for it yet. I worry if it would make me lesser? Or if that means that you’re unhappy.
She continued: Have you ever thought that I am treating you too nicely? Not punishing you harshly or often enough?
This question specifically had me wonder. In a way, the question didn’t make sense. I felt like I had been punished when I’d made a mistake and I also felt like the punishment then had been decided by her, so naturally, that should have meant that it was enough, right? So I said: I wonder about this a lot, but I choose not to question it because surely you know what’s best.
Don’t mistake this conversation for a possible determination whether she would or would not punish me. I would be punished in the way she seemed fitting. All of this was only to gauge my mind, and frustratingly so, barely giving me any of her thoughts on the matter.
This was about me… and getting to know my mind… quite constantly. It’s a good thing because it helped us both – and it was also very interesting if you like exploring the human mind like I do, even if that means I’m the ‘test subject’ haha.
If you’re training someone, do you have a certain method to try and get to know their mind? Or if you’re being trained, how does this seem to work in your dynamic?