(I’m currently relying on scheduled posts because of work and uni and football and planning classes and… I expect to be less busy on the weekend and will catch up with blog things! Am certainly excited to relax and read some sex-related posts and see some Feb-fest pictures, hehe. In the meantime, thank you for all your kind comments. I really appreciate it ♥)
The last few posts from my chronologically ordered training with Miss Lois mention that my mood wasn’t all that good. This appeared to be a pattern at the time and I pointed this out to Miss Lois who agreed and suggested I needed to check my medication. I was trying new antidepressants as the others had been unsuccessful so far. Story of my life.
I was in a particularly negative mood that day. She tried to talk to me but I wasn’t very receptive. All that was coming out of me were pretty desperate thoughts. In fact, I was literally going into breakdown saying how everything was useless or worthless and that there hadn’t been any point in the end because she’d give up on me, my local friends didn’t care (I mean they kinda don’t lol) and my parents… well… parents, ha. (At this moment time we were still months off until Dad finally acknowledged my depression and became supportive.)
She tried to talk reason into me but it clearly wasn’t working so finally she only said, “put a tiny bit of wasabi on your butt plug and put it in.”
I worried for a second as I knew she had said that she’d have to leave quite soon that day and I didn’t want to keep her but then a command like that instantly changes something in me. The most important thing becomes serving her and my thoughts take a seat in the back. I sent her a picture of the butt plug with the wasabi and then put it in my butt.
I hate wasabi. It was quite painful and burned a lot once it was inserted. It’s different from ginger but I can’t put my finger on it. The wasabi is very sharp though.
Of course, she wanted to know how wet I was, which wasn’t very, actually. Though I was on my period and things always feel different then. She told me to take a picture of myself then, in my satin gown and with my boots on. By seeing my face, I can tell I’m really not feeling well, but I had been taught to always smile so…
I was a little bit wetter after this. Miss Lois knew that taking pictures of myself makes me wet, though I always disliked taking pictures whenever she told me to so I don’t know what my body was on about!
“Kneel down on all fours and make a video of yourself licking your stilettos clean with of much of you in the video frame as possible.”
“The nose of the stilettos, Miss?”
“The nose yes.
The whole shoe actually.”
The whole shoe? Did that mean I should pick it up or something? And did she mean both shoes? Also… licking? I’d read about the act of licking the dominant’s shoes in erotica a few times but never felt any appeal for it.
“Is this ok?”
“I want you in the frame completely. Boots, ass and head.”
I was always someone that avoided saying ass, and would instead say butt. Instead of saying boobs I’d say breasts. Instead of saying vagina I’d say, down there. It felt like Miss Lois was purposefully always calling things the way I didn’t like to call them, but then again, maybe she just did because it’s normal to call them that. I was just a little strange.
By now she had, of course, said that I was supposed to lick them on the floor, no picking up. I mean, what was I thinking? Duh.
I was surprised by how embarrassed I felt, as well as exposed, having to push my head all the way down to the floor in order to reach the shoes. I felt very conscious about the rest of my body and about how awkward I must look.
I paused many times while doing it, which might have been due to anxiety. As my mental health wasn’t doing great I was more prone to anxiety and this having the camera on me while doing this made me very self-conscious and therefore anxious, also. What if I wasn’t doing it right? Is there a specific way to lick shoes?
I sent her the video and asked, without adding a question mark, if this was okay with the number of times I paused. She asked me why I had paused and then if I’d feel better if I got a second chance. I thought it might. She asked me how wet I was once more. Pretty wet this time.
“Put some wasabi on the shoes then do it again.”
No, no, no. This was not what I had been picturing when doing it a second time. Wasabi? Surely that would make me hesitate more. Maybe that was the point? I couldn’t hesitate during my second chance at this; of course, she’d make it harder.
“Where on the shoes Miss?” I tried, hoping it would only cover a small area.
“Distribute it nicely.”
… She hates me. I simply obliged though and showed her a picture of the shoes with the wasabi on it.
“Very good. If you stop this time you will have to do it again.”
What did I say? She hates me? Yes?
I took a deep, deep breath as I looked down upon the shoes in front of me. I can’t hesitate. I can’t hesitate. I leaned down, then paused again. I can’t hesitate. I can’t hesitate. I put the tip of my tongue on the toe of the heel with my eyes closed, bracing myself for that terrible flavour. It tasted much worse than I had anticipated.
Now, I never liked wasabi, it’s not something I use when eating sushi but I believe I have a deep-rooted hatred for it ever since I had to eat crackers with wasabi for one of my football initiations. I can’t stand the smell, I can’t stand the flavour, I can’t stand the sort of strange spiciness it has; I simply hate it.
Shit, I thought. No wait, I have to keep going. I kept my eyes closed for a few seconds as I forced my tongue to lick up the wasabi. I tried my best to ignore the flavour and only focused on the movement of my tongue and forcing it to keep licking the goddamn shoes. I felt like I had to come up for air as if I had gone with my head underwater but I didn’t want to break my rhythm because I didn’t trust myself to get back to it if I did. It was absolutely disgusting. Eight minutes later I finished. Thank god.
Stupid me licked the shoes with my hair in front of my face for about two minutes but I guess it means it can go on OnlyFans, here, though Idk how interesting it is. Miss Lois did get to see the final minute and a half with my face and wow does it look strange, licking shoes like that. Reminds me of a cat somehow.
She asked me how I was feeling which was less panicky and a bit better.
“You have done very well.”
“Thank you Miss.”
Phew, I don’t have to redo it, I can relax now.
“I want you to put a little bit of wasabi on your finger and then make yourself cum. It is up to you if you want to film it but I would enjoy seeing you squirt.”
I wasn’t allowed to take the boots off, nor the gown thingy. I was allowed to use a plastic bag with a towel on top for damage control, aka if I were to squirt a lot. Also, did I mention I hate wasabi? Well, it’s even worse when it’s on my clit! The wasabi has such a stinging sensation with an additional burn that feels like it spreads like fire. Continuously rubbing it and thus spreading it even further only makes it worse.
I went through different stages of pain.
One
Maybe this would be a fun video to redo for OnlyFans, with a hood on this time? I’ll link to it from Twitter if I do 😉
Ten minutes later, I still hadn’t managed to come; the pain was too intense. “Haven’t cum yet,” I said so as to update, “but I should continue till I do right?”
Six minutes later she asked me if I had cum but I hadn’t… I kept on squirting but that’s as far as I got. I suggested to maybe use a vibrator?
“Try it.”
Another ten minutes later and I still couldn’t cum, yet the squirting would not stop: “I feel like the only good damage control could have worked when in the bathtub…”
“I am enjoying myself very much. That is enough.
You can go to bed now.”
It was 1 o’clock and I preferred to try and sleep between 11 and 12 because my sleep is so bad. She knew I was particularly tired that night too and I appreciated that I could finally stop this impossible task of making myself cum. It just doesn’t work when my clit is in too much pain.
I sent her this picture and mentioned that I sent it to my best friend too, hehe. Got to keep up my teasing game.
“Very well done, I like the wet patch.
Wrap it around your face so the wet side covers your face tightly and take a picture.”
But, but… you just said I could go to bed… weren’t we done? Why… ew…
SO GROSS!
I was allowed to go to bed now and I was feeling fine, a lot lighter and more at peace than before we’d done this. I slept quite well that night.
Previous post in from my journey with Lois: Triggering Dissociation with a Task
Next post in from my journey with Lois: “You have 5 Minutes to send me a Kinky Picture”
That was one tedious task, but as long as it made you feel better afterwards, it was all right.
I have no idea how you can stand wasabi on your tender regions (least of all in your bum). Brrrr… I am also no fan of eating wasabi, but I very much like horseradish, especially fresh (very sharp and pungent).
I was wandering, do you like your own natural scent “down there”? My Wife certainly doesn’t, for me however it is the best fragrance in the world, I could enjoy that intoxicating smell for ever….
Honestly, it’s not really about me being able to stand it as much as it’s, ‘it doesn’t matter because this is not about me, it’s about her’ and somehow that makes me able to just deal with it. But yes, definitely not my personal preference so to say haha!
Erm, I don’t mind my own natural scent. I don’t love it but I also don’t dislike it.
It would be very interesting to he able to shift into what you refer to as “it’s about Her, not me” mode so that I could take a “real” disciplining without yelping and trying to get away or protect my ass or whatever after the first few hard swats. Unfortunately I cannot, so I soon have to be partially restrained. To you this ability to take the pain comes naturally.
Hahaha. I don’t know, I always thought I had to be restrained too. I think Lois just kind of. moulded me into what she thought would be the perfect slave and now some of those things have just stuck with me and seem to have become me lol
Yeah, you are very good at taking the pain and getting aroused by it. I am quite ashamed that as a spanko and with my clear masochistic tendencies I am such a wus. I think that with more regular spankings, the warm-up and gradual increase in the severity I could be trained to take much more without making too much noise and without trying to escape the blows. But whenever I am spanked for real (not an erotic spanking), there is no warm up, I end up with my Wife sitting on my back to pin me down and with Her panties or socks stuffed in my mouth while She is blistering my behind with a rapid stacatto of hard blows with whatever She is using (spanking paddle, Her flip-flops or whatever). I howl, kick, buckle without control until it’s over and it’s over quickly with my ass and thighs crimson and glowing and with tears in my eyes. The feeling of submissiveness and shame and zero arousal (because I know I very much deserved it and I couldn’t take it with dignity) lasts for days.
I don’t think you’re any better or worse when you can’t take as much or can’t take as much without making a noise etc. But I def think if you were hit more regularly you’d get better at it! It’s interesting that you don’t get aroused when it’s a punishment. I just get wet whenever. I can’t help it haha
Agreed.
With hard spanking, even if I start with an erection I start losing it immediately, it hurts really bad. When it’s over, my penis is at its tiniest and it takes a while before I can even start feeling erotic again. I feel ashamed and have hard time sitting down and usually there is some light bruising. Honestly, I do my best to avoid serious spanking and luckily my Wife is not fond of it either, only when I really piss Her off. She prefers non-corporal punishments (absolutely no sex).
Now, erotic spankings and torture (lighter, slower, more sensual, not only on ass and thighs), that is very different. It hurts, it may even leave some bruises, but this is the level of pain I love and crave. Even if I lose erection, I remain turned on, I continue to leak precum (I can make a big mess) and as soon as spanking ends, I get hard again, since it always progresses to sex, without my orgasm. Extremely arousing. 🙂
Oh wow, interesting. Shows how bodies respond very differently.
I get why you’d like to avoid severe ones. I hated sitting down after my caning.
The latter part of your comment is far more appealing!
I read this and think that maybe I’m too soft as a Dom. But I would like to ask how you feel about the balance of not wanting to do something with feeling submissive from those actions. Loved the photos
It depends on each dynamic but I wouldn’t have wanted to be any softer on me. I know she was a bit extreme compared to most doms though. For me it shouldn’t matter how I feel
Thanks for such a lovely description of a hard but beneficial task. This is a great example of how an unpleasant and humiliating task can be assigned in the best interest of a masochistic slave, as an act of genuine consensual non-consent. The fact that after this you felt a lot lighter and more at peace obviously differentiates this with respect to what would otherwise be defined as “abuse”. Well done, both of you!
Thank you so much (and sorry I haven’t replied to all your comments yet. I’ve been a bit busy!) There’s definitely a fine line between what can be considered as abuse and what’s consentual non-consent, but both are obviously very different! It honestly makes me feel good for someone to take control like that and making me do something even if I don’t like it. And Lois always knew what I needed better than I did sometimes. And this is a clear example of that because I felt more at peace afterwards
You’re welcome, and don’t worry about replying with some delay. I am a busy person too, so I am perfectly aware of the fact that sometimes people just need to find a proper slot of time to do things properly, rather than rushing and doing things poorly. I am happy to contribute to the interesting discussions you open in your blog, and perhaps my comments can be also inspiring for other readers of yours, providing other elements to discuss about, or another point of view. I believe this can be a good thing in general, even if you don’t actively reply to all comments singularly or if you don’t do it quickly. I guess that’s one of the good aspects of having a blog open to comments. You drive the discussion setting up the topic and providing an interesting story, then the readers can give their own personal contributions, and it becomes something alive and interactive.
I’ve never had wasabi but I understand it’s hot. I don’t think I’d want it in my ass!! lol
Thankfully I haven’t had it in my ass for a while!
Hi Marie Louise,
You talk about trying different antidepressants and them not working. I hope you have found some that work. I know many of them interfere with the sex drive and ability to orgasm. I hope you have found some that don’t for you.
It is interesting how you could be in a negative mood, not being receptive to Miss Lois when she was just being nice and caring towards you, but instantly switching, when she issued an order, especially one that pushed you or was painful. It seems that it was therapeudic for you, when she used you and allowed you to please her with your obedience. But only if she really pushed you.
Have you found a substitute for that? Some way to push yourself to break out of a negative mood? Or is that one of the reasons you are so eager to find a new mistress?
Just because I know how you struggle with compliments, let me say that you do have some gorgeous long hair. 😉
Those pictures of you touching yourself with wasabi on your clit are quite hot (just as the wasabi, I suppose). The best part is really the expression of pain on your face. It would be a shame to redo it with your hood. A half mask that shields your anonymity, but allows your facial expression to show, would make for a much more entertaining video. And make you feel much more exposed, I think. And isn’t that at least part of why you have your blog?
Happy to comment on your blog again and all the best,
Henrik
None of the antidepressants work for me. For some the side effects outweigh the benefit and others just straight up do nothing. So I have been on antipsychotics instead, the type that is good for chronic depression, which I have but I personally don’t feel like they are doing anything. But I’m being told that maybe they do and that I can’t make a good judgment but like, it’s not like the doctors can make a good judgement lol. So I’ve just given up on medication. I’m still taking them but yeah. At least these pills don’t do anything so there are no side effects either!
I think it has to do with that I just feel like a different person that doesn’t really exist or has any connection to being here, so what Miss Lois was doing was essentially forcing me back into the here and now. Guess it’s like mindfulness but slightly different lol! But also, my slave self has become an anchor for me. It’s the only part of me that feels connected at all times because it means I have a purpose, while when depressed etc there is no purpose and no need for my existance. So by having me serve and suffer for her that anchor comes back in place and she essentially pulled me back to myself, if that makes sense.
Because this anchor sort of thing became stronger over time and I’ve been able to just be a slave at all times, rather than seeing my slave self and me as separate entities, it’s easier to find a way to deal with it. It’s probably where a lot of my more extreme masochist stuff comes from, because I’m trying to pull myself back and not lose myself to depression or this different person. Take the needle thing I tried for example. I wasn’t doing great but I felt better afterwards, and during.
Haha thank you, I do like my hair! Have no problem accepting compliments for that
I don’t have a blog to feel exposed no. I don’t feel the need to be exposed at all. Writing and showing pictures on here doesn’t feel like I’m exposing myself. I’m simply living my life and being myself.
Depression has indeed a strong physical component, therefore medications are important to keep at least that component under control. At the same time, psychological components usually take a primary role in that, and in most cases they are the main source of the problem. You can cure the symptoms through antidepressants, but it’s very hard to completely solve the issue unless you address it at its root. In your case, from the few elements I have collected reading your posts, it sounds like the key is in your difficulty to find a purpose in what you are and what you do. Without a purpose, everything sounds useless and it sounds like you are wasting your time and energies. For sure, you have found your purpose in being a slave and serving someone with all yourself. And it is clear that without the One who was giving you a direction, you tend to feel lost. You feel like you have multiple personalities, and you struggle to unify them into what you want to be. However, now that there’s nobody making choices for you, you can try doing a little exercise. You can pretend there is another part of yourself who gives order to your life, while you obey her with all your most sincere efforts. Obeying yourself, and being a slave of yourself, can be a different perspective in which you can find a purpose in your existence. It can be just a temporary exercise, until you find a new Mistress to serve. Meanwhile, indeed your life can have a purpose. I am happy to see that your blog is becoming more and more popular, and you are inspiring people through that. This is another reason for being proud of yourself and of what you are offering to this community. From what I read, you are an intelligent woman and an excellent writer and story-teller. I believe your qualities will soon be appreciated by a valuable Mistress who will be interested in giving you a new direction and who will deserve your full servitude.
Hi Marie Louise,
From what I have read, antidepressants have at best about a 50% efficacy. And to maintain the effect, people usually have to continue to increase the dose. I guess the question is whether someone is depressed due to an imbalance in brain chemistry or have an imbalance in brain chemistry because they are depressed. In other words, are you treating the cause or the symptom? I don’t know if you are familiar with Johann Hari’s book “Lost Connections”? If I were to summarize, then his point is that depression is a response to conditions and if you want to see improvement, you have to change the conditions. You may see a temporary improvement with drugs, but unless you change the conditions, you will not see lasting improvement. This is not a suggestion that you drop your drugs in any way. I understand that you have a therapist that you work with, so I expect that you are in good and capable hands.
As I have said before, I am impressed with your coping mechanisms and your determination to find ways to make things work for you. I think the idea of changing the conditions will appeal to you.
I remember thinking, when I read about your needle thing, that you should have used hypodermic needles, which are sharper and would have slid easier and hurt less. But from what you are saying, pain was part of the purpose, so the dull needles probably served your purpose. It does taste a little like self-harm, so be careful going there.
In a slightly different take on what BrainMassage is saying, instead of pretending that there is one part of you that issues the orders, you could devote yourself to preparing yourself for your future mistress, as you wait for her to come and claim you. So your purpose would be one outside yourself, namely to be the best possible slave when she shows up. It might include keeping your body athletic, flexible and attractive for her. It might include continuing to work on being feminine and ladylike in your attire and demeanor, wearing heels and skirts and dresses, posing the right way when taking pictures, etc. It might include suffering pain in ritualistic ways. It might include learning about bondage and caning, as you have done. It might include working on your mental health and your coping mechanisms. That is all for you to decide, what slave attributes you think are important and want to work on as a gift to your future mistress. I think doing it for her would speak to you and make you feel you have a purpose while you are waiting for her.
I stand corrected about exposing yourself. I guess I find it very brave of you to post the pictures you do, so I thought they served a purpose above and beyond telling your followers about your journey. Wanting to feel exposed is often a submissive trait, so I made a lazy assumption.
All the best,
Henrik
Honestly I don’t know about antidepressants. One worked great for me for three months and then stopped, no matter if the dosis was increased ♀️ for some people it’s great, for me it’s not. I wish they helped me.
There is a really big difference between selfharm and this. For one, because it isn’t self harm. It isn’t to harm oneself. And two, self harm is not in my control. This is very much controlled. I know what I’m doing. I would have preferred the needles you’re on about. But these were the only ones in the house at the time.
I get what you are saying in being the best slave for a future Mistress but I don’t see it that way.
I am trying to be the best slave I can be, and person, and in everything I do. I don’t have to do this for someone or my future Mistress. Waiting for someone who might never come is very unhealthy. I’m doing it for me. If you do it for someone else you’ll always need someone to be ok and I think that’s very unhealthy and will never aid in recovery.
I think I added the pictures because they were a part of the journey. They were taken when the journey was taken place. The entire thing would have been very different if I hadn’t taken pictures as it was taking place and so I think it’s an important part it it, somehow. But I’m also just a very open person. It’s very beneficial for me to be open, as it means that I can be who I am and others in return will also open up to me
My suggestion about “obeying yourself” was indeed in the direction of finding your own full independence, and avoiding to let your health depend from anything external. You do have the power to find your own path and your own purpose, counting on your strength, determination and abilities.
The fact that you are showing yourself here in the most sincere and genuine way is a great thing. And I agree you don’t need to “prepare yourself for some future Mistress”, because it would mean trying to adapt to be someone different, just to be appreciated by someone else. And you don’t even know what kind of orders this potential future Mistress might give you or how would she attempt to transform you, so you could risk to prepare yourself in a way that is not even compliant to what she will want from you. Pointless.
Dear Marie Louise,
I am sorry. I should not talk about things I don’t know enough about. I don’t know you well enough to tell you what you should and shouldn’t do.
What the needle thing looked like to me does not matter. You know what you are doing and you are very self-aware. I guess I thought it might make you pause and think, but it is clear that you had already thought a lot about it and didn’t need my interference.
I understand your point about not waiting for someone else or tying your self worth up in needing validation from someone else. That is not how I meant it, but, again, that does not matter. What matters is what it feels like to you, and I applaud you for recognizing that it would not be healthy for you.
You have clearly given things a lot of thought. I know you work very hard to manage your mental health and you have developed many coping mechanisms. Pretending that I know you well enough to offer advice from reading your blog a couple of months was wrong of me.
All the best,
Henrik
Hi Henrik,
It’s okay. It’s all meant well and comes from a good place.
What I’m about to say isn’t always true, but a relatively good rule of thumb is that if someone is communicating about how they’re feeling or what they’re doing, it means that they’re like ‘ok’ while if someone self-harms, they’re unlikely to show it to the world. For example, if I go completely quiet it’s more worrying than when I tweet about how bad I am feeling because then I have stopped reaching out and given up. While of course, people tend to be really worried when they then do see that tweet.
Anyway, hope you had a good day!
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