Learning that I am allowed to exist

For years, I struggled with the idea of my own existence. I didn’t want to be alive and didn’t think I should exist. I preferred to be invisible and part of that meant to never wear anything too nice. I admired women that looked fashionable from a distance, whether they were wearing make-up, trousers, skirts, dresses and/or heels. They seemed so confident and at peace with who they were. I wasn’t anything like that, though deep down inside, I felt like I, at the very least, wanted to try.

I spend my entire primary school life playing with boys and during secondary school, my friends were also considered more boyish, less fashionable and a little weird. I missed out on the teenagers-want-to-start-looking-sexy-phrase even though my friends didn’t and I just had no idea other than knowing I wanted to be more like those confident-looking women. But by the time I finally started trying new things out, I very soon got discouraged as I didn’t have the confidence to pull it off.

I remember showing up to my internship with a handbag one day, and my boss said, “that’s so unlike you,” in a way that made it sound to me as if it was a bad thing and I should stick to being who I was. (My internship and boss was lovely though!) When I posted a picture of myself on a Christmas market on which I wore red nail polish, my mum’s husband commented saying that “he couldn’t believe what he saw” and when I was at home and asked Mum for some make-up advice he was practically shaking his head in disbelief that I developed an interest in such a senseless thing.

When I attended football training (only to watch during an injury) and came straight out of town in my daily clothes, which was a skirt at the time (no heels, no make-up, wearing just a shirt and a necklace), my trainer paused for a second and was like, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you out of football clothes before,” then mumbled a few things more as she seemed to try and come to terms with this revelation and said, “good on you for making an effort.”

When I came to a cafe to write with two of my friends and wore a skirt with winter tights instead of trousers one of them commented saying, “why would you wear a skirt?” in a very judgy sounding way. This same ‘friend’ said something similar when I showed up in a normal (not especially sexy!) skirt for a movie night and thought it was unbelievable I found tights more comfortable than trousers.

Reading over this, I guess it wasn’t that strange that I felt insecure about dressing up nicely considering the feedback I got wasn’t very encouraging. If I dressed up nicely, the first response seemed to be rejection or judgement. Dressing up nicely either meant that I was, in their eyes, trying to be someone I was not or that I was trying to show off. But all these responses is either a testament to how not feminine I used to be before I ‘changed’ (prob true lol) and/or to how much people like to push others into boxes (prob also true).

I felt paranoid about changing. If I changed everyone would notice and say something about it. I didn’t want attention; I liked to be invisible. I wanted to be normal and fit in but I felt anything but normal; I had no idea how to act. Once I dissociated (wrote about dissociation a bit more here) when I was thirteen, it was as if I had to manually tell myself to do anything. It felt like I’d forgotten how to be a human being and I didn’t have any emotions. Friends hugging friends, teens enjoying parties, laughing when someone made a joke, it all seemed alien to me.

For years I pretended and played along. I turned myself into a perfect mould. I never made a noise or complained. I was always on time and had fine grades. I disappeared in the crowd when I was unwanted and appeared as soon as someone needed me. I observed and listened but didn’t participate. I was some sort of shadow.

If you’re invisible, you don’t have to interact unless it is safe. You can’t do anything wrong because you’re not doing anything. No one can judge you because there is nothing to be judged. No one could say I didn’t deserve to exist because I had already concluded that I didn’t. And so the deeper problem, truly was that I didn’t think I deserved to exist.

Dressing up nicely then would make me visible. Wearing heels, as you might have already read, terrified me. I was terrified of making a noise and turning heads because of making that noise. I guess I kind of felt as if I’d be noticed in the way that people notice the sirens of an ambulance. And wearing anything like a skirt or a dress felt the same way to me. In a way, this comes down to thinking I didn’t deserve that spot in the world. I didn’t deserve to have anyone turn their head at me. In fact, I didn’t think I deserved to receive a single compliment from a friend.

Over the last one and a half year, but this year especially, I started to learn and recognise that I am allowed to exist. For years, my dad told me that I should look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I love me every day. I suppose it is no surprise I never did this. Instead, my self-acceptance started during my training with Miss Lois. And rather than looking at myself in the mirror, she made me take pictures of myself (with consent, of course).

At first, taking pictures was just a thing I was told to do. It became a part of serving Miss Lois as she was trying to teach me how to be more feminine and confident. The first time we had a photo session, I had no idea how to pose and she showed me pictures of how-to. During the entire session, I was thinking, ‘This is exhausting… I’m not good at this!’ I sent them to her, thinking I didn’t have to look at them but she sent them back one by one, asking me how I felt about them. I could barely look. I felt so embarrassed until this one that made me pause. Suddenly, I saw something I hadn’t seen before. I saw someone feminine. Nice legs. Nice figure. I was amazed. That was me?

(I had a thumb injury due to basketball, hence the thing on my hand.)
The picture didn’t show my face as I’d taken it without. It’s why I was able to like it in the first place. Miss Lois wasn’t worried about my insecurity or inability to pose or dress up nicely. She said I’d simply never had anyone to teach me. Anything can be learned. This was the start of my slave journey.

She taught me that this was part of being a slave and that learning it would increase my value as one. This made it easier for me as it didn’t feel like it was directly for me. Since I didn’t think I deserved anything, I needed a different kind of focus.

We had many, many photo sessions under loads of different circumstances (and I am not talking about the pictures that are accompanying the posts now. I am talking about a whole other array of pictures in which I am trying to pose, attempting to smile and look attractive, or something, lol. “Twist your hip a little more. Head straight up,” – “More of a dynamic shape in your body,” – “You have a sexy body, show it!” Miss Lois said (post about this here). At random, she’d sometimes show me a picture of me and ask me how I felt. She made me a Fetlife profile and curated which pictures would go up (with permission, of course) and told me when I was getting likes or comments. Slowly, these pictures started revealing my own beauty to me.

In order to accept compliments (about which I wrote here), I also needed some detour thinking. She told me that a compliment to me was a compliment to her, which made her happy and the thing I wanted most was to make her happy. Slowly I started being able to accept compliments and eventually I started feeling happy too and accepted them for me.

Inside the walls of my bedroom and while talking to Miss Lois, I felt more and more okay with myself. Still, I didn’t dare to take this outside and eventually, Miss Lois started giving me tasks to do so or, even ‘forcing me’. The first such task was when she told me to wear a thong (I’d never worn that in my life!) and a skirt outside for a day (wrote about that here). For the ‘forcing me,’ the best example is when she gave me the choice to either wear heels for a day or stones in my shoes until I would wear the heels for a day (wrote about this here). It didn’t stop with the heels. There were a lot of outfits I felt afraid to wear, which she eventually pushed me to wear. The more I wore them, the more normal it became. Some things I instantly liked and some had to grow on me for quite a long time and by ‘forced’ outings.

I recently wrote a post that is supposed to be up soon-ish, in which in one instance, Miss Lois replied the following to my worries when she told me I was to wear a skirt with a normal shirt and high heels. “Sounds like a really hard day for you then, walking around anxious that someone might find your heels and completely opaque tights offensive,” she said.

She told me it made her laugh- these kinds of worries. And yet, she was patient. The time it was going to take didn’t matter and the hurdles it was going to take didn’t matter either. She knew I was able to do it and all I had to do was start believing too.

She made me look at myself and find the beauty that had always been there. She tried to help me believe that I have a purpose and a reason to exist and the right to be here. And I believe that now that I enjoy wearing heels and skirts and dresses – and can choose what I want to wear, rather than have fear choose for me, is a testament to what has been accomplished.

While I am still working on feeling confident enough to wear make-up or to wear longer, fancier skirts and higher, fancier heels, I don’t need someone to ‘force’ me to go out and look good anymore. I want to do these things because it feels like me – it’s a part of who I am and always wanted to be. I have learned that I can have emotions and opinions and that the world won’t end because of it. I can wear dresses and heels and the day will continue as normal. The only difference it makes is that I am living a happier life. I am living my truth. I exist and the world can know that I exist.

I got a new pair of heels the other day that I was so excited about that I shared it with a friend. She didn’t like the colour as much but it didn’t bother me. I said something like how I should have chosen a different profession and she asked if this was so that I could afford fashion, to which I said yes. “Who ARE you? lmao,” she said and it didn’t touch me at all (though she of course, also didn’t mean this negatively but past me would have felt insecure reading it.)

I have learned that I don’t need other people’s validation to feel confident and good about myself. I have changed and I have learned that the world will adjust to me just fine. So now, hearing the sound of my heels makes me feel confident and sometimes a little proud. I feel happy when I open my wardrobe, pull out those bright yellow trousers and look at myself in the mirror. I’m happy. I am happy that I exist.

Xx MLSlavePuppet

Inspired by SB4MH week 49’s prompt Personal Growth (though I didn’t take the prompt of looking back at the writing I’d done for SB4MH very literally)

(c) Do not use any of the material on this blog, pictures or content for any form of publication whether fiction, film, psychological research etc. without contacting me and asking me for my permission.

15 Replies to “Learning that I am allowed to exist”

  1. SB4MH

    “Dressing up nicely then would make me visible.” – coming at it from a different direction I this is something I can massively identify with. The terror of drawing attention to yourself is very real. I chuckled about the noise of heels – I don’t wear stilettos at work, but I do wear boots with block heels and at first the noise I was making sounded like an explosion.

    It’s really good to read you’re coming to terms with self-acceptance and seem to enjoy the image you see and making more of it. I’m guessing the confidence to show the picture in this post is relatively new – very well done on reaching this far.

    I find this post uplifting considering I have parallel issues of being on display.

    melody

    Reply
    • MLSlavePuppet Post author

      Haha, the heels sounding like an explosion is definitely how I used to feel!

      Thank you so much for leaving this kind and warm comment. It makes me very happy and am so glad to hear that you find this post uplifting. And I feel you with these issues. You’re not alone. I take comfort knowing I’m not alone

      Marie Louise

      Reply
  2. TJ

    I just found your blog . People are more comfortable when you conform to their expectations. You stepped out of the box they mentally put you in, and had a negative reaction. Forget them. Dress any way you like! You do not have to be what others want or expect you to be. I remember doing the same in high school… getting dressed up for a dance; everyone was shocked. But I wanted to look nice for a change. And once a “friend” said I looked like a whore because I was wearing wedges and showing off my curves rather than hiding them. Needless to say, I am not friends with that cunt anymore… Do whatever the hell you want and don’t let anyone discourage you because THEY are uncomfortable.

    Reply
    • MLSlavePuppet Post author

      Hi! Somehow your comments ended up in spam and I only noticed this morning! They’re all approved now and it should be fine in the future.
      Thank you for leaving this comment. I’m glad to hear you ignored them and did what was good for you. I wish I had been that brave that early on, but now I’m certainly on the same page as you! And you’re right, it’s all because they are uncomfortable!

      Reply
  3. collaredmichael

    You most certainly deserve to exist. People who make negative comments are often jealous or upset to be outshone! You have a beautiful figure and should dress to impress whenever you desire. It seems you have finally broken your cocoon and are now flitting about the world as a beautiful butterfly!

    Reply
  4. SassyCat

    I wish I could wear skater skirts 🙁 but my belly won’t allow for that. You look great in it. Never worry about be exact for the prompt, you linked up, shared and that’s more important than sticking to the prompt 🙂
    Happy Holidays

    Reply
  5. Pingback: Kicking off 2020 [SoSS] ⋆ You Won't Tame this Sassy Cat

  6. Posy Churchgate

    I have been meaning to look you up, anyone my friend May recommends is someone I want to know more about!
    I am sorry you had such a shaky start, confidence is such a fragile thing. Folk often say things unthinkingly – you didn’t conform to the ‘brackets’ they put you in, and they were surprised. The majority of them probably had no idea you would take their comments negatively. I am so glad Miss Lois has set you on a better path and coaxed you out of yourself, building your confidence. Of course all the difficult stuff is being done by you and I applaud you for it. You have come so far already. Your pictures reveal a lovely body, very feminine and attractive, I hope you get to enjoy more classy clothes and make up and being visible.
    You most certainly deserve to exist and I am delighted to hear your thoughts – looking forward to browsing your posts more frequently.

    Reply
    • MLSlavePuppet Post author

      Thank you so much for leaving this comment. You’re definitely right and I’m sure people are often not aware and definitely don’t mean to have a negative effect. Thank you for all the compliments <3 And I'm so happy you like my thoughts on the topic.

      Reply
  7. Liz BlackX

    What a strong post

    I’m very happy for you that you are where you are now. It’s very easy to say: of course you should wear skirts and high heels if you want to, and of course you have a right to exist, but I know that’s easier said than done.

    I’m going through a similar development where I’m finally starting to wear dresses instead of oversized Primark sweaters. It feels good

    I hope you’ll continue on this journey.

    Reply
    • MLSlavePuppet Post author

      Thank you so much. The line of ‘where I’m starting to wear dresses instead of oversized sweathers (I didn’t have any from primark somehow) rings so true haha. I’m glad it feels good and I hope that feeling will only continue to grow

      Reply

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