If you’ve been reading my posts, you know that Miss Lois had tasked me to wear heels at the airport and that I didn’t manage to do it at the time. Wearing heels out in public had been a long-time hurdle of which I’d hoped Miss Lois wasn’t going to push it yet. In fact, after the failed task I had hoped even more that she agreed I wasn’t ready and that therefore, I should get another break for a few months… or so… (wishful thinking, lol). It was barely two weeks later when she set me the new task:
“You will wear the heels all day and go outside in them while meeting a friend. For every day that you don’t, you will wear the stones in your shoes and this will continue for as long as it takes until you wear the heels for the day.”
Shit… I thought, suddenly feeling a bit cold inside while my pulse quickened. I wasn’t ready. I definitely wasn’t ready.
I didn’t really know what to say in response. I was quiet. I knew I couldn’t object but I also couldn’t get myself to say ‘Yes Miss,’ and thereby accepting it without a problem. Instead, I asked a question about the logistics of it. When would this first day be? Today?
It wasn’t today. She’d merely said it to prepare me for the day that would very soon come.
She told me to try on my black and green trousers with the heels and to send her a picture of each. She asked me which one I preferred. Black felt saver, but green looked better. Somehow I chose green, throwing away the safety (because I like to make it more difficult on myself?) and then it’d been decided. She told me to wear the green trousers out with the heels when she’d give me the task to do so.
She asked me how many days in the flats with the stones I thought it would take me.
I didn’t really know the answer and said that it’d depend on my mindset. The stones and the pain weren’t really playing a factor in my calculation. If my anxiety in regards to wearing the heels was too high, it’d simply mean I’d have no feet for a few days or weeks if it need be. On the other hand, sensible me was aware that I’d end up in the heels eventually anyway, so there’d be no point of suffering from the stones. But then, another me had already considered walking with stones in my shoes for the rest of my life, lol. I really couldn’t say what would happen on the day she’d give me the task.
She said she thought it might take me 3 days.
The actual day came way too quickly and the message way too early in the morning, before 9 am. I believe it was on the weekend when I’d planned to meet a newly made friend in town, which was perhaps even before the start of uni classes.
Here’s the report that I wrote at the time:
I had a few breakdowns between 9.30 and 11, in which I went between stages in which I felt like I couldn’t do it, and stages in which I felt like I just had to do it no matter what. I rolled myself up into a ball in bed and closed my eyes. After a while when I opened my eyes again, I immediately broke down again so I shut them once more. Somehow, the stones in shoes didn’t feel like an option. Or at least, it wasn’t an option I wanted to use. If I did, I’d simply start dreading every day, and it’d only become harder to actually get myself to wear the heels. Thoughts are the enemy… So I don’t know how but I found some calm eventually and managed to get myself dressed. I sent you and my friend the picture of my outfit, and he said similar positive things to you; like how there are other people out wearing heels so it’s normal – and that I was looking pretty good.
I left home at 1 pm to meet my friend in town at 1.30. I was cycling and tried to make myself believe that my heels weren’t visible. The longer I cycled the more I felt at ease as I didn’t have to pass many people and so no one could really see.
I got to our meeting point in town but she wasn’t there yet even though I was perfectly on time for the first time in my life because I didn’t want to be early and stand around on my own. Turned out she was already there though but across the street. I still waited for her to come to me though. I felt anxious about moving and the sound of my heels once I did. But it didn’t take more than 5 seconds for her to cross the street and then I had to start walking too.
I expected her to follow the sound of my heels and to look at my shoes (she was wearing sneakers) but she didn’t. We went into Sainsbury, where the heels were very much audible, which made me want to walk on my toes. Anyway, we got what we needed, went outside and then she said: “Look a you, actually wearing nice shoes for once.”
In my head, I pressed pause as the world and I froze in place, and wishes of sinking through the floor surfaced.
I said: “Yeah, I thought feeling good is looking good and so I’m trying something new but I feel awkward because I don’t usually wear this.”
(Even if I’m freaking out on the inside, I can sort of keep it cool on the outside… (apart from potentially shaking and looking like I want to disappear lol) – and honesty always works better. It makes people understand that you’re feeling awkward and therefore hopefully make them help put you at ease.)
It did work! She then started a conversation about how she can relate, which then allowed me to ignore the entire world and I could simply pretend like walking on heels was the most normal thing (which it is lmao), and it felt okay next to her because it felt like she’d accepted it too.
We walked to boots after, then walked around town for a bit and finally sat down and had some ice cream. We parted ways at about 2.45 pm.
(I had tennis training at 3 pm, and had already pleaded to Miss Lois how I couldn’t walk into the sports centre like this… with heels… I mean… I know pleading doesn’t really work if she has made up her mind.) So I walked into the sports centre with the heels. I cannot describe how awkward it felt. There is some carpet in the sports centre but it does not stretch all the way.
I quickly went to the changing room where no one was inside, thank god. I changed. Out of the heels and into my trainers. What a relief. (This was also the first time I’d wear a thong while playing sports, so I chose to wear my black shorts instead of the see-through white I would’ve otherwise used.)
The thong felt a bit off while playing, but it wasn’t that big of a deal.
After tennis, I went back to the changing room and waited for the other person to leave before changing back into my heels. I considered escaping through the back entrance of the sports centre but ended up leaving through the front door. It felt even more awkward having to pass the reception in heels on my way out.
I went past town but avoided the centre and walked a tiny bit. Then I cycled back home.
At home, I changed coats and then walked to the local shop even though I didn’t necessarily have to. I think I really wanted to do this though because when you had said that this task was going to happen soon, I tried to envision that I was able to actually complete it. I didn’t think I’d be able to walk in my heels in town, and the only thing I thought I might be able to do is walk in heels to this local shop. Therefore, I wanted to prove to myself that I could also do this, as the way to the local shop feels quite exposed to me.
So many cars drove past as I walked to the store. I live on the main road and there were also people at the bus stop and fish and chips shop, and then 2 other people at the crossing.
Once I made it to the shop, I tried to walk inside it as quietly as I could. I made it out within a minute or so and pressed the lights at the crossing point which was a massive mistake. All the cars stop for you and then watch you cross as you know, that’s all they can do while waiting for the light to turn green. I ignored all the cars on my way home after that.
So now at 10.20, I’m still wearing the heels, thong, the same clothes and I don’t know how I feel. I feel exhausted, I guess and also partially relieved. I don’t think I’ve progressed that this has happened. I don’t know what it means. I guess I know that I’m ready for bed.
So in the end, it took me 0 days to wear the heels. I didn’t need to feel the pain of the stones to ‘motivate’ me, by which I surprised myself and Miss Lois. I saw this event as a one-off. I had walked in heels now, this would surely mean that Miss Lois would let me off for a while… But of course, this wasn’t just a one-off task. This had nothing to do with a normal fun task. This task had a reason… I had to get to wearing heels on any given day. It had to become normal… they’re just shoes that people wear all the time after all. But doing it this one time hadn’t convinced me that wearing them was any less scary than I felt it was. And so it required a lot more pushing on Miss Lois’ end before the heels actually became a bit normal for me. But at least I’d finally managed to do this first task, and that was something to be slightly proud of.