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Sometimes words are difficult and playing instead is exactly what I need. It’s how I first connected to Roxy and how I seem to find a kind of joy I haven’t experienced anywhere else. For as long as I can remember I have been interested in rope and getting tied. I’m not sure where the appeal comes from exactly, but since forever it felt like my desire for rope had never truly been satisfied. I didn’t quite know what I was looking for but I have been able to experience what I was after now.
I met Daitcho one and a half years ago when I attended their rope 101 workshop at a university kink society. They ran the class with a woman and taught us the basics. Back then it struck me how quiet they were; I often couldn’t hear them speak and yet they seemed so confident in their artform. At one point, they gave us the shortest demonstration of what it looked like if they did an ‘actual’ tie. I could feel the emotion in that one simple movement and it made my heart race. That’s the kind of rope work I want to do!
I didn’t go to a proper local kink event for several months after this, but then eventually reached out to a Queer Party. I was new and no one knew me but Daitcho vouched for me so I was able to go. I was really surprised that they remembered me, as there’d been something like 16 people who I’m sure they never met before. During the workshop, we only spoke briefly and I don’t believe I said anything that would have left an impression. It showed me that they must be observant and care about the people they meet, which left me curious, though I didn’t think we could be friends; why would anyone want to be friends with me! (Hello imposter syndrome my old friend.)
At the queer party, we briefly spoke and it was rather awkward. They’re a quiet person and so am I. Plus I felt like they were way too cool for me. Maybe this is the closest I have come to having a celebrity kinda crush on someone, except instead of being a celebrity they’re more of a magician with rope. Simply for the fact that I admired their skill, I felt like I shouldn’t be allowed near them. Apparently, I actively run away from the people I’d like to meet, ha.
A year later, I watched them tie my friend and felt entranced and envious at the same time. I want to be tied like that and thrown around the room. Can I though? They have a male body and if I play with them, will that send out the wrong signal? It felt a bit invasive to watch them play because I wanted to be tied and worried that it was too obvious. That weekend, several people had suggested I might like to be tied by them and every time someone said it I thought: I know, okay! I’ve seen them tie before and I know who they are but that doesn’t mean I can just ask them! I wondered if they even remembered me. Maybe they even thought I was a creep since I seemed to be in the same room every time they tied!
When they finished tying my friend, I decided I should just ask them if they’d be interested in tying me some time. After all, there’s no harm in asking and I don’t listen to my imposter syndrome as much anymore nowadays. So I asked them, and my friend and them both looked surprised, though a knowing smile passed my friend’s lips soon after. “Yeah,” they said while the surprise was still audible in their voice. “Are you here tomorrow too?”
“Yeah.” I curled up onto the sofa and pushed myself against a pillow so as to suppress the sound of my beating heart.
They continued organising their rope, then eventually asked me how long it’d been since I’d been in one of their workshops because they might feel awkward tying a student. I counted back the months since the Queer Party. About one and a half years? They remembered me from that party, asked me if I’d worn a red latex dress. (That’s the one! Can’t believe you remember.) It seemed okay but at the same time, I wasn’t sure if they’d just said yes because I put them on the spot. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked? Maybe there would have been a better way about this? I decided to go to bed. It was about 2 am after all.
The next day
I saw them in the kitchen that morning and was surprised to see them up. We had a brief conversation, which wasn’t as awkward, though my anxiety was certainly spiked. I don’t know why I struggled to simply have a conversation. In them I sensed a familiarity I can’t quite put my finger on and it made me want to get to know them better but I didn’t know how. Words weren’t working out very well for me and I was simultaneously worrying that they felt an obligation to talk to me because I had asked them to tie.
I tried to get in a position to talk to them a few times that day but it didn’t work out. They can’t want to tie you if they don’t know you either; stop being such an idiot! Maybe if I pretend I never asked they’ll stop feeling like they have to and it will all be okay. You’re such an adult, well done Mila, well done. (I hope you sensed the sarcasm in that.)
When I met and played with Roxy for the very first time we barely said anything at all. Rather than using words, we connected through play and our touches and it felt like I needed to play with Daitcho in a similar fashion. I felt like I knew we would be able to connect but maybe words weren’t the way to do it. Or maybe it wouldn’t work out during play but I was interested to try. I considered putting something like this in a text but I wasn’t able to form any sentences with my words so when the evening fell, I ended up watching them show someone else how to tie.
By that point, I joined them on the floor and they showed me how to do x. I wasn’t in the right mindset to attempt to tie someone myself but couldn’t let them tie me then either. Roxy was getting her toy bag to play with me, as I’d told her I needed to play. I had taken acid for the first time that night and I didn’t respond incredibly well to it. Normally without drugs, I can sense other people’s emotions strongly and over the years I have learned how to control it enough so that it doesn’t negatively affect me. However, on acid, I could not control it at all and I felt everything, which made me rather anxious. I found myself worrying about everyone’s wellbeing and I couldn’t shut it out. So Roxy and I played and while it was helpful at the moment it didn’t make any lasting change, possibly because I could hear everyone else play around us, which distracted me a lot. (I will probably write about the acid trip and that play another time).
I felt so incredibly restless. When I’m anxious it gets worse over time because I can only control it for so long. I didn’t look at the time but I’m guessing I must have been on acid for about two to three hours and it was about time I managed to ground myself. I was pacing through the hallway and tried to find the right moment to ask Daitcho if they wanted to tie me now. Finally, I managed to go up to them and ask and they agreed and then wondered what kind of things I liked.
Uhm… I always struggle to answer that question properly. I tend to like what other people like… I know I like it rough and appear to have a higher pain tolerance than most but no one tends to know this about me until they know but how can they know unless they see? Usually showing a picture of my caned bottom helps but that didn’t really seem relevant at that moment.
I think I tried to say it would help if they had a list of things so I could say if I liked it or not, which in hindsight is a lot to ask for! But even voicing that thought didn’t go very well. Somehow speaking was rather difficult (can I blame acid? lol) and there were some loud people on our right which really distracted me. They realised this and took us to the library where we got to be alone.
They asked me if I preferred to be tied in here alone or outside around people. I wasn’t sure to be honest, as I like both so I let them decide and they said they appreciated the quiet in here, to which I agreed. Had I been tied before? Yes, by J, but never in a way that I’d seen Daitcho tie. Were there any pressure points they had to be aware of? Any areas they couldn’t touch? Yes, I’m gay, but no, you can touch me anywhere, though maybe my limit would be for us not to kiss? I didn’t voice my thought about kissing because I felt it was probably irrelevant and I also wasn’t sure. Was choking okay? Yes. They said that “no” means stop to them instead of using a safeword.
They held out their hand for me and I placed mine in theirs as I got up. It felt nerve-wracking like I was hereby giving up control and indicating that I trusted them. Simultaneously, it felt great.
I can’t remember everything that followed exactly as I was too taken by the moment and the sensations. I think they started by tying my hands on my back. I remember thinking “that was quick” when I ended up on the floor, already no longer in control of my body.
They stepped on me with their boots and it sparked a primal instinct in which my body wanted to get away and struggled in my bind. They literally took my breath away by placing pressure on a certain area and my mouth made noises I couldn’t control. I felt completely at their mercy. Trapped like an animal. Then they retreated a little and continued the next tie.
One of the beautiful things about their rope work is how dynamic they make a tie or a scene. In a lot of cases, a tie is rather static. We use rope to restrain someone in certain positions or create harnesses that look a certain way but Daitcho’s ties are incredibly functional and change continuously. It means that your right leg might be tied at one point and untied again at another. They seem to add and take away based on whatever they envision next. It feels so intuitive and makes me think of a water stream as it constantly flows and adapts.
At this point, I believe my chest was tied with my arms behind my back. My legs were individually tied and it meant my back was half resting on my legs and half resting on the floor. They had sat down and pulled me up by the rope on my chest, then let me go and said: “Come closer.”
I caught myself before I fell completely back down and lifted my upper body to come closer to theirs. Like this? I wondered. It put a strain on my core and after a small moment, I felt like I couldn’t keep holding myself and let myself fall back.
“Come closer,” they said again.
I veered back up. Their voice was so gentle and yet there was no uncertainty. Are they testing my submission? Seconds passed and slowly it became more difficult to stay like this. I wondered how close they intended me to come as our faces were quite near. I let go and found relief as I was caught in my ropes. They told me to come closer once more and I listened eagerly and felt surprised by my ability to tense my muscles once more. I knew then that if they wanted me to I would be able to do it and if they purposefully wanted to exhaust me I was now happy to take on the challenge. They must be sensing my submissive nature… It made me smile.
They hit me in a few places sometimes, played with my nipples (love!) and played with some pressure points. When they held my foot it was clear I could take it quite well. “This may need some more work,” they said as they increased the pressure. “Sorry,” I replied with a smile, thinking of how this was nothing compared to bastinado. They kept increasing pressure until I cried out. Fine, fine, I’m not invincible! There’s a sensitive spot there after all! It just made me want to laugh as I was feeling so alive.
They lifted me up onto the table and asked if it was okay for them to take off their shirt because it was so warm, which was fine with me. When they came back to me they wrapped their hand around my neck. They cut off my air supply but I didn’t struggle to breathe. I felt no fear whatsoever and wondered if we could get to a point where I would struggle to breathe. In my mind, I envisioned a tunnel and it felt like we were driving through it and passing dozens of lights at high speed, kind of like the tunnel scene in The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I felt infinite. Then finally, I had to get up for air and felt a little bit of the struggle. They took his hand away for a moment and then put it over my nose and mouth. Breathplay felt amazing.
I started noticing that I was getting closer to the edge of the table. “Do you want me to fall off?” I asked semi innocently and semi cheekily. The tone and intention of my sentence balanced on the edge where if I’d been playing with Roxy I would have probably kept my mouth shut. But in this instance, it felt like we were still exploring each other. I believe I must have also said it joyfully, because I would have been quite amused if they’d made me fall off like that.
I was definitely starting to feel more and more comfortable and I think I do this thing where I start smiling in response to pain, the predicament, and my vulnerable position in the scene. And despite being so vulnerable all caught up in his rope, I felt the complete opposite.
They started tying my legs in a butterfly position kind of way. I remember watching them quite calmly in these short moments in which I wasn’t completely tied and they weren’t holding me down. I wondered if this would be a moment in which I could get away (and apart from the futility of this, as they would 100% catch up with me and simply change the tie) I felt a strong sense to stay where I was.
At the same time, in some of these moments, I felt the primal desire to reach out to them somehow. I’m picturing two foxes playfully wrestling and biting each other but before I could even finish my imagination they’d recaptured me safely in the rope. They attached each of my legs to the table and stretched them further than I thought I was capable of. For a moment, in my mind I was shouting: Wait, aah! but I then reminded myself that I trusted them and that this was exactly what I wanted to feel. I let go and probably started smiling again.
I’m not sure how we finished but they were able to remove the rope so quickly somehow.
“I think that’s all the tying I have in me for now,” they said, almost a little apologetic.
“That was great!” I didn’t know what else to say.
I wanted to hug them because I wanted to share the euphoria I felt as a result of our play. I don’t really know how and when we got up but they tidied their rope and we left the room exactly as we found it. Afterwards, I remember following them up the stairs. The grounding had certainly been successful and I felt really good.
To be continued…
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