Recently, I have been struggling to say “Yes Mistress” because it seems like I haven’t accepted the shame of taking on the submissive role. Or at the very least, I haven’t felt confident enough to dive in, I suppose. I mentioned my hesitancy to use it during my weekend with Roxy.
It seems like I’m afraid I’ll be judged or that it’s weird for me to say it. I’m afraid to be rejected and by using the word Mistress I’m scared that I’m asking for too much. Generally, I feel like I shouldn’t take up too much space but by calling someone Mistress it implies that the other person has to take on that role for me.
The thing is that by approaching it like that I’m making it about me. I disregard the autonomy of the other person who has given their consent and chosen to take part in this. It’s one of the things I dislike most about my insecurities, but at least I’m aware of it, I guess.
At the same time, I put myself in a vulnerable position by using the title because it means I acknowledge this part of me, which has been deprived and feels really desperate to be. And once it’s out of the box it’s really hard to put it back in. If there’s something we really want but can’t immediately have, it’s sometimes better not to think about it at all. The logic seems to be that if you can’t see it, you won’t miss it. But it’s here and I’m allowed to call Roxy Mistress so why am I making it so difficult?
I think I’m feeling insecure. My idea of self has been wavering and I’ve been finding it harder to connect. In the earlier days of my training with Lois, I could only go into my slave self in very specific instances. Just talking to her wasn’t enough and quite often a task didn’t manage to drag me out either. It felt like this part of me was locked away and it only definitely started coming out every time we spoke halfway into our dynamic.
That meant it was still gone during all the hours we didn’t talk, which were considerably more than when we talked. We often discussed my sense of identity and she identified that at that moment in time she seemed to serve as an anchor through which I could channel my slave self. For me, these lyrics by Sara Bareilles start playing in my head when I think about my insecurity and struggle with self-acceptance. “Surely someone will reach out a hand and show you a safe place to land.”
But at a certain point, I no longer needed Lois as that anchor. I started feeling like me and my slave self was one person and there was no need to go in and out anymore. I was simply me and my desire to please roamed freely. I didn’t question whether it was weird of me to take an erotic picture for her without prompting or worry if I was strange for enjoying this humiliating thing she told me to do. And even more so, I didn’t go down a questioning spiral for craving my need and desire to serve. I retained this when our dynamic ended but my insecurities and a missing sense of self have all come back now.
I wonder if this is partly an effect of lockdown because I feel like it’s done a big number on my confidence. Whereas dressing nicely had become effortless and fun, it causes anxiety now and it feels like I don’t really know how to do it anymore. Regular things like playing football or meeting friends fell away during the lockdown and it seems like my identity was deeply entwined in those activities too. Generally, I’ve been feeling a lot more anxious. I suppose that’s what happens when you don’t have stable footing.
So now as I’m feeling insecure and unsure about myself, saying yes Mistress is scary. I might be afraid of rejection and deeply fear that it’s not real or might be taken away from me. It feels like once I commit to saying Mistress and being called a slave that’s what it is and that’s what I want. But what if that’s not actually what it is? What if it’s not okay for me to be that slave?
“Why is the measure of love loss?” Jeanette Winterson wrote. To me, this sentiment means that you have to accept the risk of failure and loss when you go out into the world to pursue something you want. And that’s what I have to do; I need to move past my anxiety.
Maybe I need reassurance but I feel like I should be able to do this on my own. Recently, I haven’t felt secure enough to unapologetically be that slave. It’s so strange because before lockdown and even at the start of it, I was. It’s really frustrating to me and it makes me go down the path of self-blame. Like, why can’t you just be normal? You should get your shit together. Your insecurities will only become a burden on other people. You don’t deserve to even engage in contact with other people if you’re like this. And then I tell my mind, no… look at what you’re doing. We’ve talked about this. Just chill out, alright. You’re fine.
So when I am about to say it this entire thought process runs through my mind in about a second and I momentarily freeze. I want to say it so badly but it’s stuck in my throat. It feels like there’s a tug of war going on with one player pulling at the words from inside my throat and the other standing on the tip of my tongue.
The good thing though, is that I can say it; I haven’t regressed that far yet. And when I do say Mistress, all of the above lingers for a moment but is replaced by the wonderful feeling of submission (and a little bit of humiliation I suppose). Addressing Roxy as Mistress gives me a sense of coming home; I just need to stop feeling so anxious about it.
I want to go back to being one person without needing to slip in and out of my slave self. I need to know that there’s nothing wrong with me and that it’s okay to have the desire to serve and to identify as a slave.
There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s okay to be me.