In my blog posts, I have mentioned before that I sometimes struggle with addressing Roxy as Mistress, because I second-guess myself and wonder if I’m really allowed to. Or, whether I’m a weird person by saying so.
In recent months, I have mostly overcome this struggle and always reply to questions with the appropriate title. However, I’d become so used to also calling her Roxy, that I didn’t realise I was forgetting to address her as Mistress when I was asking her a question.
This conversation came up when Mistress and I were in London, and she told me it upsets her when I address her by her name instead of Mistress. It wasn’t easy to hear because I don’t like to upset her or knowing that I’ve done something wrong, but I was happy that she told me. I understood what she meant and thought it was stupid I hadn’t realised for so long. At least now, I could change it. Since London, I’ve been trying to be as aware of my language as possible and while I still slip up sometimes, she says that I’m improving.
In my phonebook, Roxy is now only called Mistress.
We spoke about this again last weekend and I realised that I’m proud that I can call her Mistress. I don’t know why I wasn’t able to see this before, but I am the only one who can call her that. I’ve earned the privilege to call her Mistress as her Slave. And now suddenly my anxiety surrounding the use of this title appears to be gone.
I wonder if it’s because a part of me always kept feeling like maybe I didn’t deserve it, or that I still felt unable to truly accept my own identity as a Slave. I think it’s truly time that I’m throwing my anxiety out of the window because all I currently feel when thinking of my Mistress and addressing her as such is pride and joy.