When I think of BDSM, my mind never really jumps to sex. If you look at the meaning of the letters you’ll notice none of them stands for sex, while there’s certainly an S in the word. But when people hear BDSM they intrinsically think of the bedroom, some handcuffs and otherwise probably some typical vanilla sex. I guess you can’t blame them; porn tends to show some whips and chains followed by penetrative sex, which fills 75% of the time of the video. Add ons like a ballgag or spanking is to enhance sex and don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with that. If BDSM enhances your sex life that’s honestly really great. But for me, BDSM is more integral. I can take out the sex but not the BDSM.
The reason for this is that being a slave is part of my identity; it feels similar to identifying as a lesbian. There is a whole mindset around being a sub-slave and being in an M/s dynamic. Sex does not have to be involved and you can be in one even if you’re asexual (Melody writes about her kinky experiences, which don’t include erotica or sex because she’s asexual). I’m not asexual but I did know I felt like a submissive before the thought of sex had even crossed my mind. In fact, I was certain of it before I even figured out my sexuality so then how can sex be something BDSM can’t go without?
The 4 Aspects of Being a Slave
Months ago when I started blogging about my journey I wrote a post about the 4 aspects of being a slave. In the early days of my training, Lois really wanted me to be more aware and learn about myself. She had an idea of who and what I was but I didn’t. She told me to divide a piece of paper into 4 blocks and to rank ‘classiness’, ‘obedience’, ‘humiliation’ and ‘pain’ from most important to least important. I’m curious what you think the answer is. (Disclaimer though, this is all in regards to me, my training and experiences. This isn’t per definition right and the only truth!)
Back then I thought the answer was number 3. I thought that the aspect a slave needs most is to be obedient and that humiliation and pain were tools to aid that. I didn’t really know how to sort classiness but I knew it would be more important than the last two. The correct answer was number 4. Classiness was to be swapped with obedience. Those two were most important but she said that humiliation is only valuable if classiness has been achieved and that pain was a tool for all the others.
Classiness, Obedience, Humiliation, Pain
Classiness has to do with ‘the value’ of a slave. If you strip everything surrounding BDSM and look at the definition of a slave it says ‘a person who is the legal property of another.’ Property tends to have a value. You can buy a phone whose price is made up by considering its speed, camera quality, battery life, its looks. A woman who is classy means, according to the internet, ‘a genuine, high-value woman who holds herself and thinks of herself highly regardless of life circumstances and despite what other people may think of her.’ Qualities can include being stylish, elegant, respectable etc. It all increases one’s value and thus increases the quality of being sought after, which is valuable to the owner.
The reason why humiliation is only valuable when classiness has been accomplished first is that humiliation plays with stripping someone of their dignity. Bringing in humiliation seems quite opposed to the idea of being classy so how can a Mistress want you to be both? If one is classy it allows for a certain level of power and control. They get to choose what they want you to be and that in itself is humiliating.
If you put it very simply, obedience is following the rules and listening to every command. Punishment might come into play if you aren’t obedient and that’s where pain comes in. Firstly, pain can be a tool to enforce. Secondly, pain can be a tool to humiliate if pain turns the submissive on. Thirdly, pain can challenge classiness; how can you stay classy if you’re in a lot of pain?
So, Sex?
If those are the 4 aspects a slave lives by, where does sex come in? It doesn’t really. Sex is an add on to the add on. For example, sexual denial can be a tool used for control, humiliation, pleasure and pain. Having rough sex on the spot can be an exercise of control. Orgasms can be a reward for your obedience and servitude.
Can things like bondage and pain be done without any sexual component? Yes. Can sex in addition to BDSM be pleasurable? Absolutely. The two make quite a wonderful combination but they aren’t inseparable. I think the assumption that BDSM is sex is one of the biggest misconceptions amongst vanilla people. I don’t want to tell people that I’m into BDSM because they’ll see it as sex and I want to say no, it’s not and they won’t understand. There is a meaning behinds BDSM and I wish more people were aware. It can mean so much and it certainly does to me.
Xx Mila
Well written.Thank you!
Thank you!
You are right the S does not stand for sex. It is interesting to read your thoughts on BDSM and being a slave. Has never been in my lifestyle but I do enjoy some of the M, from time to time, with a pinwheel and other devices. Nice piece, ML.
Thanks Elliot!
Thanks for the mention
You have a point that many outsiders see BDSM as a code word for kinky, or even rough, sex. Whether good or bad, not being interested in the sex aspect means I drop deep into the psychological aspects of D/s without the distractions.
As for the order of my list: 1) Classiness 2) Pain 3) Obedience and humiliation wouldn’t feature. I think that’s a function of the people I’ve had serious dynamics with. They’ve all observed that humiliation is destructive to me, the relationship wouldn’t survive. I see classiness as acting with dignity and respect – including respect for yourself – being able to grow with and contribute to the relationship.
As for pain – ’nuff said. It’s a gateway into the soul, mine and hers. For obedience, that’s one of the essences of needing to be submissive to that other person and there’s added imperatives implanted over time with the element of hypnosis.
You say such an interesting thing there Melody. That you drop deep into the psychological aspects of D/s without distractions. This reminds me of what Lois once said to me, that sexuality and arousal in that sense can be a distraction from submission.
I’m glad all the people you had serious dynamics with picked up on how humiliation is detrimental for you. I agree on the classiness aspect and I think that makes it such a wonderful thing. Thank you for leaving your insights here. I feel like you could write your own post on it
This: “There is a meaning behinds BDSM and I wish more people were aware.”
I am so with you on this one! This is a great post, and you have explained the ‘Classiness, Obedience, Humiliation, Pain’ really well. My vote was wrong, BTW 😉
~ Marie xox
Thank you Marie!
Haha, just like my vote was wrong all the way back then 😉
highly insightful, I never have really thought much about the M/s type relationship but your expression of it is different than how I had pictured it being. Thank you for sharing and bringing clarity
Thank you, I’m so glad to read that. Of course, every M/s dynamic will be different for other people, but this is how it works for me 🙂
I suppose my vote would have been “wrong”. But I would have ordered the four differently as well. None of your choices matched my thoughts…
What were your thoughts? o:
Of course, my experience and thoughts are probably different from everyone elses!
Ah my thoughts don’t matter. I think with four choices you can have something like 15-16 combinations (guess), and there are likely people for whom each of those combinations would work best.
Haha yes, I realised that too but thought it’d be best if I just stick to 4 lol
You have 24 combinations (4*3*2).
I think the most important sequence is that classiness comes before humiliation. Classiness is building up and establishing a self worth. Once a sub thinks of herself as classy and has formed habits of classiness, the potential depths of humiliation become so much greater. You can humiliate someone who thinks of themself as classy and valuable in so many more ways than you can someone who thinks of themself as just a lowly sub, who deserves humiliation.
Once you are in the habit of dressing nice, taking that away has an element of humiliation.
If you learn to use makeup and your made up face becomes “you”, taking away the makeup and being forced to go out without it becomes humiliating.
If you learn good posture and walking in heels and get a self confidence boost from that, being told to always wear flats and look down has an element of humiliation to it.
Etc.
There are so many more and more subtle ways to humiliate someone who thinks of herself as classy.
Very interesting share, I had not really got my head round the dynamics before because I am one of those that uses selected elements of it to spice things up. It is so enlightening to have your ‘slave’ mindset explained, and your clarity is much appreciated.
I think BDSM is a term frequently used as a catch-all for things it is not!
Yes, you put that perfectly, a catch-all for things it is not!
I’m glad this post brought you something. I think it’s quite interesting on the other ‘spectrum’ so to say where one uses just selective elements. You should write about that!
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