Calling Red

The party at which Mistress used the nipple bucket clamps on me is the longest one I attended without going to bed. It started at 10 pm and we left at 4 pm the next day. I got to play loads and had a great time; people even got to take shot glasses from my vagina.

At one point in the night when most people were playing in different rooms and absent from the living room, Mistress came to sit next to me on the couch.

I remember feeling happily surprised. But then she said she wanted me to entertain her by shaking my bum for her.

“Wha…t?” I said slowly as my glance moved awkwardly from left to right.

“Come on, shake your butt for me. I’m your Mistress and I want you to entertain me. You are my Slave and you do as you’re told.”

“Yes… Mistress…”

I got up, but I literally could not get myself to do anything.

Mistress seemed to realise and stood up herself to show me how to do it.

I looked at her shaking butt cheeks but seeing it made me none the wiser.

“Go on,” she encouraged me again. “I want to see it.”

I began to wriggle my butt as much as I could, but I knew it wasn’t right and her response made that clear as she showed me by example once more.

From here on, my anxiety began to rise steadily, as we switched between my attempts, her examples and other people giving examples and trying to explain to me how to do it.

Throughout this experience, I came close to calling red several times, but I managed to stay a tiny step ahead of my anxiety every time, which was mostly fuelled by not wanting to fail and make a fool out of us both.

It felt like I was making the people around us as uncomfortable as I was because I was so incredibly uncomfortable that they might not be sure this was still a game? And if it was, they didn’t seem to want to be a part of it. That’s what was going through my head anyway.

I couldn’t shake my anxiety. While I knew to some extend that I can move sexily (seeing as I have made solo videos in which I successfully perform a strip tease) the reality is that I can’t do that when someone is watching me; not yet anyway.

To make matter worse, I really don’t understand how to move my bottom in the way that is desired. It’s similar to how it’s difficult to move just my left eyebrow separate from the right. I just don’t understand how to engage that specific body part.

When I trained myself to walk in heels for the catfish, my friend and I watched loads of videos and established women move their hips in a certain way to make it look natural. I practised doing that specific hip motion for hours and finally incorporated it into my walk. It took me so long to figure out how to do it and needles to say, I have not done this in years now and wouldn’t even know where to start now. I don’t even know if that specific motion would be helpful for shaking my butt.

However mostly, of course, I’m unable to move my body because I am stiffened by anxiety. If you have never felt this in your life, I can assure you that the inability to move is very real.

When it became clear the current strategy of teaching me how to shake my butt wasn’t going to work Mistress sat back down on the couch and told me to give her a lap dance.

“Wha….t?” I said once more in an even more unsure and terrified tone as my mind wandered towards calling red once again.

“Give me a lap dance,” she repeated matter of factly.

I could tell from her voice that there was no way she was going to let this go.

“Come closer and stand in front of me.”

I did as she said.

“Now give me a lap dance,” she repeated when I didn’t move.

“I don’t know how…”

Mistress began taking me through the steps and literally told me what to do. My entire “performance” was incredibly mechanic and the complete opposite of arousing, relaxing and sexy. I was truly reaching the end of my rope and so close to calling red now.

She said I could come sit next to her and I complied, relieved. It looked like she wanted to talk. Separate from this scene, I knew I had not followed instructions the way I should as her Slave that night and that the boundary between Slave and friend had become a little muddled again.

In a way, the conversation between us that followed was serious but it was set up as part of a game. It felt like Mistress was actively trying to train me, and I felt happy and relieved that she was choosing to do it this way.

Earlier that night on our way to the party, she’d told me I should carry her bag and I had complained about it (I mean, if a normal friend asks me to carry their bag I’m like… I specifically packed my bag to a weight that I can carry and cannot take yours as well). But my Mistress isn’t just a normal friend. Now, she brought up that I would carry her bag if she told me to and that I would actively try to make her life easier rather than speak up against her suggestions (within our dynamic, of course).

When my errors happened I clocked them and made note to change it in the future, but it was really helpful that she was clear about it and let me know what she expected. I knew I needed to do better.

She began to play with my clit and vagina and her eyes were looking at mine.

As she continued talking, I switched between shamefully saying “Yes Mistress,” and proudly saying “Yes Mistress,” because I felt bad for messing up but proud that I felt this deep desire to do better and wanted to prove to her I could.

She played with the sensitivity of my clit, which made it a little harder to fully focus at times and I couldn’t decide whether this was pleasurable or too sensitive.

The longer her fingers stroked my vagina, the wetter I became to a surprising extent; I didn’t think it was possible for me to become this wet after my anxious moments not so long ago.

Suddenly, she put her fingers inside my vagina and I was so surprised that I wasn’t even sure that’s what she’d done until she did it again.

She read the surprise and pain on my face upon insertion and her eyes seemed to say: “So? You are my Slave and I get to do with you what I want.”

It sent me instant shivers of submission and arousal; on the inside my mind was screaming: I wish I could tell you how much I appreciate you and how much I want to please you. 

It was such a hot moment; It might have even been the highlight of my night if it wasn’t for the anxiety that still remained at the forefront of my mind.

She took her fingers out of me.

“Now, get up and entertain me.”

I slowly moved to the edge of the couch and put weight on my feet. In my mind, I envisioned doing exactly what Mistress said but I also couldn’t quite envision how to move my body.

The shame and embarrassment was too much as anxiety came crashing back in. Suddenly I felt like I was about to break.

“Red,” I said.

For a second, she appeared frozen in time as if she had to process what I’d just said, taken by surprise.

When she started to move again I realised that it was me who had made everything seem like it was frozen and upon the resumption of this moment, tears started to reach the corner of my eyes. I crawled up into a ball on the couch and tried to hide my face from everyone else. I don’t want to make it seem like Mistress has upset me. I am upset but it’s all a game. That’s why we have a safe word and why we’ve stopped now, so it’s fine. 

Yet at the same time, the thought that I had failed her came over me. Up until the very last second that I said “Red” I really thought I was going to do this; anything not to disappoint.

Mistress started saying that it was okay; the game was over and I didn’t have to worry anymore.

But I did feel genuinely worried because that’s why I was breaking down. What if I could never fulfil this role that she wanted me to? What if I would never be able to entertain her in front of other people or become good at shaking my butt and doing a lap dance? Would the game stop being fun for her if I couldn’t do it and would she want to have a different Slave?

Mistress kept repeating that it was okay and tried to say reassuring things while hugging me, slowly helping me out of my anxiety and back to reality.

I voiced my thoughts as best as I could and I came out of crisis mode relatively quickly.

She said that she was proud of me for using the safe word when I needed it.

This is the first time I’ve truly used it, at a time that a safe word or pushing limits wasn’t mentioned on beforehand. I don’t know if it was surprising to her but it’s unsurprising to me that I used it in this moment, as opposed to a moment when I’m being put in severe pain.

If Mistress and I really want to succeed at my ability to entertain her on command we’ll have to make a plan and take a very cautious and slow approach. The anxiety I have in regard to things like this is so big that it’s the only thing I actively avoid to self preserve (Keep in mind that I generally live by the idea that I will not avoid something just because of anxiety.) If anything, I am surprised I managed to control myself enough to hold out until we sat down on the couch.

Trying to overcome this will be way, way harder than simply training myself to be able to take a strap-on. However, since I have been able to do that, there is certainly hope for this as well.

Xx Mila

One Reply to “Calling Red”

  1. slave sindee

    anxiety is not a physical pain but highly mental and as demonstrated by You, it can really have an effect on one’s body. it was good of You to use your safe word . it is not a failure on either part. Using the safe word at a time of stress is in fact a sign of strength, an acknowledgement of an internal struggle. When in sub space it can be very difficult to stop but very important to make that decision and later discus the what , whys and maybe the how to get over that point. As a sub we want to be perfect and to be at our best for our Mistress/Master, we can only be that when we acknowledge out limits and work on over coming them.
    Mila you are strong and wonderful Thanks for sharing

    Reply

Leave a Reply