While I have tried to document the entirety of this dynamic, I didn’t want to write about it anymore. I’ve captured most of it and there are only a few tasks/sessions missing here and there. A few days before the dynamic ended, Lois set me the task in which I’d have to orgasm before I was allowed to use the toilet during the duration of three days: Friday, Saturday and Sunday. She also wanted me to walk outdoors for 30 minutes in heels once a day (forever the heel training ha). I don’t have much to say about it other than that I would have never been able to do it if the dynamic hadn’t been so strong by that point. It was really, really difficult not to cheat on the first task and I only peed 4 or 5 times each day, which is significantly less compared to my usual and on the third day, I kind of stopped being able to come. It literally took me over an hour to come on Sunday but I did it and on Monday she was happy with the result. On Wednesday I messaged her a few times. She had been online but hadn’t replied (which wasn’t out of the ordinary). I then took a shower, which took less than 10 minutes and came back to a message from Lois.
Contact ended there and I’m sure you can imagine I wasn’t doing okay. I don’t think I’ve ever crashed the way I did after I received this message and I was in a constant state of breakdown and couldn’t get out of my bed for two consecutive days. I was supposed to teach my first class the following day but I cancelled. I thought that maybe I wouldn’t be able to complete my degree or do anything anymore for a while.
If you’ve been reading this blog from the start you’ll know I started this blog to reclaim the story, acknowledge the positives and express what my time with Lois meant and how it shaped me. When I started this blog I uploaded a new post about her every day; I then ended up in the blogging community, my life in the present time moved on and I started writing about other things. As a result, it has taken a long while to publish all the posts about Lois even though I finished writing them a long time ago. Since they were written and because a lot of you read them they were indeed an important part of my journey as a slave, I always wanted to finish uploading them at some point.
As you know, I started going to kinky events before lockdown, made new friends offline and online, have developed creatively and found a Mistress. I feel like I have really connected to you, the reader and I’m so happy that you have and are supporting me on my journey. So I want to tell you something. Several months ago in early lockdown at the start of 2020, Philip messaged me.
I’ll start with the conclusion. Lois is Philip. And for a really long time, I have been too ashamed to share this with anyone.
As far as I knew, Philip was a friend of Lois who I had spoken to once over the period of a week when Lois was on a business trip ages ago. When he messaged me out of nowhere during lockdown I was on high alert. On one hand, I wanted to speak to him so I could find out what happened to Lois. Because of how I was blocked and left with questions I was never able to put it to bed and I always kept wondering why. On the other hand, I was really suspicious. After talking to him for a little while I started thinking that he may be Lois and I told him I wanted nothing to do with him. It’d stay quiet for a day or two and then he came back. The problem was that he kept on coming back. Every time I said no I felt this terrible fear that I would never be able to speak to Lois again, just like what I felt when Lois blocked me. I couldn’t ignore all the questions that kept plaguing me. Why did Lois leave like that? Where is she? Or who is she really?
I thought that maybe if I kept talking to Philip I would eventually find out. And so I decided to play along with what he was after.
He said that Lois was actually a slave (his slave) but had been sold to a new owner and that while she was Philip he had wanted her to train me. Philip and I talked a few times over the period of about two months and during he seemed to want to convince me that I should listen to and serve him. He tried to convince me that my sexuality didn’t matter in regards to serving him and as I was still playing along I said that my sexuality didn’t anymore.
Philip: “For most of your life, you were convinced you are worthless. You couldn’t feel self-worth. Like it wasn’t there, like a feeling you couldn’t have. Like a blind person. You can’t see it and you won’t see that particular feeling but what I have done is given you a proxy feeling. Something you can use to access the feeling in a different way.”
Me: “Did you expect more resistance from me towards you? Or less. I mean like before this point where we’re at now. When you first contacted me.”
Philip: “Difficult to say, I wasn’t sure how far you got. If you were ready to accept that your own sexuality and feelings is a mere obstacle in the way to become a happy slave.”
Me: “It took a long time to get that. I think that was the thing I was resistant against for the longest time.”
Philip: “And how do you feel now that you are more relaxed about it? Do you still see it as a liability?”
Philip: “It shows that being a slave is deeper rooted than your sexual orientation. and your sexuality is a deeply rooted desire. If you look at identity in layers sexuality is very basic and therefore important. But being a slave for you is attached to your self-image. It is deeply rooted in who you are and how you see yourself. Your most fundamental layer of self. If it would be taken away you would unravel. For you, obedience is self-preservation. If you stop obeying your whole being will unravel. So it has nothing to do with you enjoying being a slave. It has everything to do with you being a slave and if you stop being that you stop existing.”
Philip: “That is why it was important that you were made into what you are by a well wishing dominant. Girls like you, if they are not found by a well-wishing Dom can end up in forced prostitution and similar things quite easily. I knew it was important to take you then and not wait until you get taken by someone else.”
Me: “I don’t think I would have ended up in prostitution.”
Philip: “I think a skilled Dominant could have moulded you the way we did but then moved you onto a different path.”
Me: “Maybe that’s right.”
Philip: “And by now you would live a very different life. Being given away to men for money, having to do whatever they want to do to you and when you are done you are discarded and go back to your owner who only cares about how much money you can make him. Do you think that could have happened?”
Me: “Through a very skilled Mistress perhaps. I mean, there’s a reason why I was so resistant to any ideas related to men.”
Philip: “You think a woman couldn’t have the same cruel intentions?”
Me: “No they can but in your example you mentioned men.”
Philip: “This is why I had to invent Lois. To make you feel like you are safe with a woman. I knew as a man I couldn’t have saved you.”
I had to re-read what he had just said a few times. I wasn’t sure if I had read it correctly.
Me: “So you were Lois then?”
Philip: “I had to be. For you.”
Me: “So how come you stopped Lois when it ended? Why at that moment in time?”
Philip: “It felt like you had to move on, to take the next step in your journey and I thought you are ready.”
Me: “How do you think I’m feeling?”
Philip: “Your feelings towards me.”
Me: “Are you sorry that it hurt me?”
Philip: “If there had been another way, yes. But I think it was the only way to get you where you are now. And the pain you endure on your journey is sometimes necessary.”
Me: “Do you understand what happened? Because Lois, you, became someone that proved my parents wrong and my self-image wrong. That I could trust that someone cared for me and wouldn’t break that and wouldn’t abandon me. That I am not disposable. And then you did just that.”
Philip: “I didn’t abandon you. I just changed the narrative. Your feelings make complete sense, and I do understand how it must have been extremely difficult for you and still is but you have to understand that creating you sometimes requires to hurt you. Why do you think Lois had to be taken out of the equation?”
Me: “Because I would have felt like betraying her by playing with other people.”
Philip: “She held you back. She was a tool. To create you. I understand your confusion, but you will see that having a single creator will make things easier for you to understand.”
It felt like the floor had fallen out under my feet and once I fell I just kept on falling. He moved the conversation to another topic and then he left. I felt distressed and relieved because now I finally knew. I am writing this post at the end of October and eagerly awaiting for all the Lois blogposts to have come out. Today, in December, I will have known about Philip for around 7 months.
And what else? I don’t really have anything else to tell you. You’ve read the entire story believing the same I did. How do you feel now that you know? Is it a good thing that Philip ever stepped into my life? I think we can all agree that Lois gave me so much and I am grateful for that but I feel violated too. I would have never shared myself in the way I did if I had known who he really was. I did ask for verification before we started the dynamic. I think I once mentioned that I wanted her to confirm who she was by sending me a picture of herself with a spoon (so as to see that it would match up with the initial picture she sent me of herself) and I received those. Still, classic catfish, right? Now that I think about it, a friend once asked if I was really sure Lois was who they said they were and I did pause and confront them at the time. They said that they would be happy to meet me and thought we’d get along, but that training would stop if we did. I brought it up several times but every time there was the threat that I’d never get to speak to them again. Classic manipulator too?
I was so desperate for someone who listened to me, took the time to know and understand me, care for me and for someone who gave me kink that I turned a blind eye to all the signs that. I ignored what in hindsight were red flags and at the same time, I know that there were several moments in which I thought: I need this because the alternative of being alone and suicidal is worse. He used that and manipulated me into believing that he was saving me but the course of my life is not dependant on another person and it wasn’t dependant on him; I would have made it without him but it did happen and it’s a part of my life. It took me a few months before I was able to block him for good. It took me until October to share it with a friend and it has taken me until now to share it with you. Shame remains when you’re hiding and I refuse to stay in that dark place. Thank you for your support.
I don’t know if I’ve been abused but the following are things he did, which fall under things abusers do (see this page) and I think it’s important to list them here. I also went to the doctor a few weeks ago as since I’ve told people (and therefore acknowledged what happened) It’s been affecting me. The doctor called it grooming. If you are in a situation like this, please know that you can reach out to people and to me as well.
– Often leaves you hanging when they promised to do something with you.
– Consistently puts their desires and schedule above yours.
– Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, what you really meant when you said/did something.
– Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
– Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what he’s talking about anymore.
– Changes the subject to divert your attention.
– Tells you what you really mean to say.
– Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting nowhere, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree just to get them to be quiet
– Re-defines words to mean what he or she wants them to mean.
– Denies saying what they said (even if you’re playing it back to him from a digital recorder, they may deny meaning what they obviously meant).
– Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen.
– “Without me, you’d be lost. Without me, you’d be nothing. Without me, you would have killed yourself. Without me, someone would have abused you.”
Maybe I will write about this with more emotion sometime. I realise I must appear like I’m very detached, which is indeed the case.
He sent me an email on 30 November, saying: “Are you having a good time and are you happy?”
I went cold when I got the notification. I blocked him and deleted it and was lucky enough to be with a friend at the time.