After quite an intense belting on New Years, Roxy and I hugged for a little before finding her partner in the living room. Something appeared to be up and so her attention shifted and while I was able to lean against her they soon went for a smoke. It was okay because I could cuddle with a friend in front of the fire but after three hours had passed I felt a bit deflated. It was 7 am so I went to bed.
I briefly saw Roxy in the morning at breakfast. She said they were going to throw some knives and that she could teach me, but they were also taking their cameras and it felt like it’d be better if they had some time alone; something still seemed off. I took a three-hour bath with my friend instead and figured I could catch Roxy afterwards.
I arrived back in the kitchen with wrinkly fingers and as if at clockwork Roxy and her partner appeared. Apparently, they were looking for a free bathroom so I said I knew where they could find one. Naturally, Roxy asked me to show him while she made tea. They then disappeared and I ended up in front of the fire. Slowly it started to dawn on me that my mood was slipping and that I needed more affection from Roxy. My friend asked me if I wanted to hug but what I really needed was to talk to Roxy.
A while later her partner appeared and quite instantly disappeared with more tea. Finally, I decided I should just knock on their door and ask for a conversation (but what if they were having an emotional talk? Or sex? Or needed to be alone?) I walked up to their door, got flooded by thoughts and changed my mind. I sprinted upstairs where I crouched down and had a mini-breakdown with thoughts somewhere along the lines of I need a hug or affection but who are you to demand it? They have things to discuss. They need alone time. She has so much to think about already and maybe things have been resolved and she’s actually feeling relaxed right now, I can’t disturb her. Maybe I’m kind of in the way. If there is not enough time for hugs then maybe I’m asking for too much. No stop it, you just need to talk to her.
I forced myself to get up and walked back to their room where I listened at their door. The light was on but I could hear no one talking. I knocked, then opened the door. They weren’t in; had they gone back outside?
I checked the kitchen, upstairs, outside and finally walked past the ballroom where music was playing. Roxy and her partner appeared to be doing some very acrobatic looking couples yoga. I stood still for a moment. I can’t disturb them now. But I have to talk to her. Maybe I can go in and just watch? But what if I’m disrupting their quality time? I left the ballroom and sat down with a friend in the hallway. She was struggling but I could no longer put my own thoughts aside to provide the right support. As my eyes started to water up I pushed my thoughts away but just a moment later they returned. I got up and went back to the ballroom where Roxy asked if I wanted to sit on the sofa.
I watched them try a trick but my thoughts returned and I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I curled up into a ball and hid my face in the cushions of the sofa where I froze and broke down while controlling my breathing so I wouldn’t make a sound. By the time I managed to compose myself they had left the room. Maybe they thought I was sleeping.
I found them in the kitchen where they ended up talking to someone else. By this point, I thought my face revealed I wasn’t doing okay and I tried to get Roxy semi alone but I didn’t know how to interrupt the conversation. I asked her if we could talk sometime and she said we could but the other conversation continued. I started tearing up again so I removed myself from the situation and curled up into a ball on the staircase. I went through the whole thought spiral once more but ended on the thought: No, you just need to talk to her. She can’t talk to you if she doesn’t know where you are. Go back to the kitchen.
In the kitchen I pulled at her arm like a little child, too afraid to look up and reveal the expression on my face. She was aware that something wasn’t quite right and asked if I wanted to talk right now and I nodded.
Back in the ballroom, it was really hard for me to hold onto my thoughts and to express them clearly. I knew that while my thoughts had made me feel like this was the end of the world it wasn’t the end of the world. In fact, the whole situation was quite simple; I just needed to talk to Roxy and get some reassurance. The entire thing had manifested into something that seemed far worse.
I started by saying that I thought I needed more aftercare because that seemed to have been the trigger for all of this. She listened and tried to understand where these extreme emotions had so suddenly come from. I tried to explain that they’d been building up and that it was something I could usually control, but that I currently felt like I was in the way. She hugged me and started to reassure me. I felt listened to and relieved upon being able to address something I should’ve done earlier. She said I should tell her when something is wrong because she can’t read my mind and that I always look so happy, content and strong after a scene that she didn’t realise I needed more.
After the hour-long conversation, I asked her one more thing that’d been on my mind. “Do you maybe want to try out the violet wand with me?”
It would have been okay if she’d said no. At this moment, it simply felt important to speak my mind but she smiled and said she’d like to.
Aftercare has always been a funny one for me as Lois/Philip never gave me much of it. They didn’t completely ignore it but in many cases, a session or conversation would end with one or two lines and then I might not speak to them for weeks. I was able to keep myself okay because I simply detach and ‘pretend’ that things are ok; I’d been so used to my needs not being met (parents) that this seemed normal and if I ended up feeling depressed I would simply blame myself. I’m starting to learn how to voice my needs now and Roxy is providing a safe space for me to do that in.
I’m certainly in a better place now.