As you all know I will very shortly be caned for the first time; it’s tomorrow, in fact. Therefore, I thought it’d be good to finally write the post about when I got spanked for the first time, as the follow up will be a bit more extreme and might show some symbolic development compared to this post.
I met my ex when I was 20, I believe. She was on an exchange semester at my university and it all went quite quickly. I told her that I was into BDSM, and a submissive, before we got into a relationship, as I didn’t think I could do a relationship without any kind of BDSM. Once we had that first talk, I linked her to a kinky post on Tumblr, which then became our way to communicate about this stuff. Tumblr was a good starting point to bring up an idea or to share an interest without having to directly put it into words. Of course, we would talk about it, but a Tumblr post would allow us to start the conversation (RIP Kinky Tumblr).
To my surprise, my ex showed quite a lot of interest in some small sadistic ideas on Tumblr. On some days she had the confidence to show her enthusiasm and on some days she didn’t. But on one of the days, she felt confident she took me along to have a look in the kitchen drawer of her shared flat with four other girls. We were looking for a wooden spatula or spoon of some sorts for spanking (she was ever the money-saver) and stole a big one that’d never been used before. But after we got it, we never really used it.
Though I had been asking for a spanking, it had never really happened. She had tried to make me stop eating bad food by telling me there’d be consequences. Just after she’d said it I went on a walk with an acquaintance who then bought me icecream (spoiler alert, turns out he wanted to have sex with me. Side note, I had told him on the 3rd night of Freshers week that I was gay), and I wasn’t going to reject the offer of free ice cream! I felt some butterflies in my stomach because I knew I was breaking a rule. I felt curious about what would happen as we’d never tested a rule before.
I told my girlfriend when I got home and expected to be punished. Instead, she just shook her head at me in the kind of I’m-rolling-my-eyes-at-you way without indicating that it actually mattered. ‘But you should punish me!’ I thought, a little disappointed. ‘Don’t you remember what you’d said?’ As a result, I broke the rule again, on purpose and literally pointed out to her how I was breaking the rule. She smiled in the kind of you’re-adorable-but-that-won’t-save-you way. Mission accomplished!
I think she decided that she’d spank me with the wooden spatula 30 times. Masochist me thought that wasn’t a lot at all (and it wasn’t considering I like to be pushed over the edge), but I was quite surprised when the first hit struck.
We went to my room in the knowledge that my best friend (yes the one from all my posts) would not be in his room (his was right next to mine). She put me in a spreader bar (that she’d wanted to buy) and there I lied with my butt in the air, my arms and legs restrained and out of reach for any possible protection and with the world sort of upside down.
I remember catching my breath in a successful attempt not to make any noise. The wooden spoon hurt more than I’d anticipated. I mean, I’d never felt this before and now that I finally did, I wondered how I could keep quiet all the way up till 30. She asked me if I was okay, of course, and I said I was, which was true. The pain wasn’t really the problem, though I had to get used to it.
In hindsight, the problem was that I couldn’t let go and I couldn’t enjoy the pain and spanking for what it was; I was too worried about keeping composed, not making any sound and didn’t want to seem weak. Evidently, I hadn’t opened up and so there must have been some absence of trust. And I definitely hadn’t submitted to my ex because she wasn’t exerting the dominance to make me submit.
By the time we reached 30, I was a little relieved but then immediately disappointed. Was that it? I didn’t know why I felt that way then. Now, it’s obvious. I want to be pushed and can be pushed very far and if this doesn’t happen, I’m disappointed. This is especially the case if I need to be punished and the punishment isn’t bad enough; I can’t forgive myself unless I’m pushed.
In that sense, my first spanking wasn’t a success, but I was still happy we’d gotten there. I had finally felt what it felt like to get spanked and it made me want more. We bought a paddle and a riding crop (which was also, in fact, something she suggested) but I don’t remember using the paddle, though I’m sure we must have at least once. I do remember the riding crop, which we only used like twice. Once for hitting my vagina/clit, which I really enjoyed. I like the involuntary movement of my body in response to the hit and I would love to try being hit there for a longer period of time so it gets far more sensitive, and while being restrained so there’s nothing I can do about it. The other time was when I had to walk over a crotch rope sort of thing and she ‘encouraged’ me to keep on walking with the crop, haha.
Am hoping I’ll get to experience a lot more impact play that will actually reach the point of hurting quite a lot. Caning bust be a good start!
Xx Marie Louise