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My first caning session
I never thought my first form of impact play, apart from having done some light spanking, would be caning. To be honest, I’m interested in everything so I never had my mindset on a specific form of impact play but caning always seemed like quite a painful variant. Still, when the opportunity presented itself I was very excited and a little nervous, as I wrote about here.
My day started by driving to the airport from which I’d fly to Glasgow where she’s located. My dad brought me to the airport because he likes to visit the book shops there (don’t ask me why) even though it’s a 2-hour drive. My dad is great! I was a little anxious that he’d ask me why I was dressed up so nicely (compared to wearing like simple clothes that I used to wear in the past) just to fly home but apparently I’d been dressing nicely often enough this month for him to think it was completely normal. (I don’t know why I worry about this, it’s definitely irrational.) (I’ve changed so much over the last month though. Living in a city again definitely inspired me to dress up nicely and use make-up.)
Anyway, I flew to Glasgow and easily found the very convenient 500 bus to the city. I’m quite an anxious person. I used to be afraid of using trains when I was 16 (because of possibly missing a connection?) and was then also afraid of flying because I didn’t feel like I knew airports well enough. Flying to an airport I’ve never been at before therefore would have scared the crap out of me in the past, but I have definitely overcome that fear haha.
I’m also anxious about meeting new people. In fact, they diagnosed me with social anxiety when I was 17, but it’s been far easier for me to manage in recent years. I think this is because I distance myself/dissociate just the right amount that I can deal with the nerves and appear more like a normal person (I hope I do). Still, I was afraid that she would see me and think, oh god, I wish I hadn’t agreed to cane her. I also worried that I looked silly dragging around a suitcase or maybe she’d think, she looks so small and young, is she really up for this?
Additionally, I was a little out of breath when I arrived because I tend to walk fast and don’t know how to slow down? I don’t know. I tried and failed, especially when I couldn’t find the place at first. Thank god for google maps.
When I reached her door and we saw each other, the first thing I remember her saying was that I am pretty and I replied that she is too because she is! She then also said that she hadn’t been sure if I was pretty or not because she couldn’t tell from my picture (with my face in it) and said that I looked so much prettier in person. Again, this was both a compliment and a, I’m laughing at myself because apparently I’m bad at choosing pictures-moment.
She offered me something to drink and boring as I am, I only drink water (have since I was 12 out of my own choice; I just prefer it and it so happens to be healthy also). We talked a little bit first and I honestly felt so at ease quickly. She’s such a nice person and talks so easily, which helps a quiet person like me and when my anxiety goes, I think I’m quite an easy-going person. Fun fact, one of the things we talked about was a g-string because I didn’t really know what it was (it essentially appears to be a thong but covers less of the buttocks?) I learn something new every time, lol.
The room was pretty empty apart from some furniture, which makes sense because I also tend to use a mostly empty room with a white wall when I film. And, of course, there were the lights and two cameras, which interested me, rather than scared me because I’m a media designer and love video so cameras are interesting to me? lol.
She had asked me on beforehand what my limits were, whether I’d want to be fully naked, for example, and I had said I am fine with that. I must have looked really nervous though because she said I didn’t have to. I didn’t feel nervous, but that was probably due to my slight disconnection to deal with nerves. Either way, I wanted to be naked because I want to do things that I’m scared of, so I undressed while she waited elsewhere for me to undress.
Before getting to the caning bit, we did a question video, in which she asked me why I thought I was a masochist. I didn’t know the answer; my mind blanks when I’m nervous, but I guessed that I must be because I get aroused when I’m in pain, which is maybe too logical of an answer but it’s true. How did I get to the point where I wanted to be caned? I didn’t know… it just seemed like something fun to try? (see masochist.) I wished I could have given better answers. I was recently interviewed on camera for a vanilla project and I was really good at answering questions clearly, not so much here.
It was kind of a strange idea and feeling to go on the caning bench? (I’m not sure what it’s called) because as you can imagine, it feels a little degrading or embarrassing or exposing. It felt funny to me too. I don’t know why but I tend to laugh about the situations I put myself into because I suppose it’s not exactly ‘normal’ as society would say. Being strapped in then made me feel at ease because that way I wouldn’t be able to move much when getting hit.
The first hit was what I expected a cane to feel like. It stung and then eased off but it wasn’t that bad. She asked me how it felt, to which I think I said it was alright. I’m pretty sure that was my answer to most of the hits, very non-descript… sorry.
She said she would give me a little break in between hits to get me used to it, which I really appreciated. I definitely felt safe and at ease and we talked in between, which also helped. Then on, or just before or after the second stroke, I told her I’d probably bruise easier because I’m on blood thinners. I had meant to tell her earlier but somehow it had slipped my mind. I must have been nervous after all? At least I remembered early on!
I had thought of texting her about this in advance but I thought it would be better to say it in person. I had checked with my lung doctor (bc pulmonary embolism, which is treated by blood thinners) and my dad’s girlfriend who is a doctor whether it is a bad thing for me to get bruised quite severely (putting it down on playing rugby) and they both said it wasn’t. Of course, I have to be careful if I bleed, but so far when I have, it stopped like it usually would and I didn’t think we were going to get as far as tearing my skin open the first time; I didn’t know how well I’d take the pain anyway.
I felt a little guilty I hadn’t mentioned it earlier though I had meant to. She said she usually asked people about medical things but that it hadn’t occurred to her with me because I’m so young. (I know, I should be perfectly fit and healthy and yet I am so unlucky. I mean, who gets a pulmonary embolism at 24?)
After the first three strokes, she took a few pictures of my butt and sounded very excited, which made me happy, though I didn’t understand how it could already look good after three strokes. Then she showed me the picture and the marks looked so perfectly even. She had said she was really precise but wow. Seeing three pink stripes so evenly spread out was strangely satisfying.
I had been really curious about why she liked caning specifically and learned that she just really likes the marks. I started considering caning as a form of art. My butt was the canvas and she was marking it in a very precise way, exactly as she wanted to. It’s really impressive because it takes a lot of years to be able to be this precise and hit hard.
After taking the pictures, she continued, still with giving me breaks. She asked me to rate the hit or soreness from it between 1-10, but I didn’t really know how to because I didn’t know what a 10 and a 1 would feel like. She said she was hitting me at around 3, but that still didn’t mean that much to me so instead my answer remained that it felt alright.
It hurt more when she hit high and less when she hit me lower on my butt. It felt like she had to study and consider how I responded to the hits as much as I was. After I got hit I wasn’t thinking, oh this hurts, but instead thought, oh, interesting, this is slightly different from the last one. Of course, it did hurt but it appears that I can take quite a bit. Masochist after all, right?
I remember the cane touching my skin, then moving away and touching my skin again a second later, as if she was choosing where to aim or preparing to get her aim right. I quickly realised that the hit felt more painful if I tensed and it became a little game in my head to try and not tense. Well, it’s difficult!
Naturally, my body would tense up when I thought I would get hit. The way I managed to not tense was by anticipating the hit and by ‘holding my breath’ (symbolically speaking, I didn’t actually hold my breath) long enough for her to hit me, but it didn’t work if I didn’t anticipate it right and of course, the fact that she softly touched my skin with the cane on and off for an undetermined amount of times every time didn’t help. I think that’s fun though; it’s a sign of control that she has. She could play with me that way and I wondered if she was at some point. I remember tensing a few times and she didn’t hit me yet. Maybe she was just testing to see my responses.
I can’t remember how we got from stroke 10 to 20 but I do know it started becoming more painful as she started to hit me harder and while giving me fewer breaks. I can imagine that caning can get really painful really quick if all the hits come in quick succession. I was also supposed to count but I am so bad at keeping track so we kind of didn’t know which one we were at a few times.
Sometimes a hit took my breath away for a second, which meant I didn’t say a number as loudly and sometimes I managed to take it very easily. When she started hitting me harder and faster it was more difficult to quickly adjust and let the pain ease off. The hits stung a lot. It’s kind of like when you accidentally and very suddenly turn up the music far too loud; the stings are a shock to the system.
She paused after the 22nd hit and examined my bum, as a certain part started having a colour that indicated the skin could break with a few more hits. She said she could either go on to 24 or 30 and I felt like I’d definitely be able to go on until 30, but that she could probably best judge considering she could see my butt and knew how close my skin was to breaking. She decided it would be best to stop at 24. I didn’t feel disappointed as such, but I sure wish I didn’t have to be on these damn blood thinners because I could have gone on!
Throughout, she seemed very excited to potentially make custom clips with me and you know it’s a good feeling to know someone wants to have you involved and hearing that I’m pretty. I am still not entirely used to being pretty or attractive in that I never saw myself that way. Additionally, it did appear that I can take quite a bit and could go quite far by working up to it. She said I didn’t flinch a lot when getting hit and she was looking for pretty masochistic girls so I guess I fit that description perfectly?
She took some more pictures, of course, sounding excited again. When she showed me it was strange for me to comprehend that what I saw was my butt. It didn’t feel like the hits I’d just felt could have caused that. It looked pretty.
I felt a little dizzy coming off the spanking bench so she said I should sit down, which I did. She had asked if I experience sub drop earlier and I didn’t think I do? I don’t know? I don’t think I’ve felt it before and I didn’t after the caning either. She gave me a bag of crisps and a coke because sugar is good to come back down. Was I high on adrenaline? I don’t know. It does come as a part of dissociation that I don’t always know how I feel but as long as I don’t feel bad it’s good? I certainly enjoyed the experience!
After a little bit, we made another question video in which she asked me some more things for which I didn’t really have expansive answers… sorry! I’ll be better at it next time, I think…
We talked more after this and she started packing away the equipment, which is really a lot of work, though I feel like talking to me was distracting as well. One of the things we talked about was custom clips as well. I have been considering to make my own for a little while, as two people have asked me if I do them before but I don’t really know how to go about it.
As I mentioned earlier, she seemed very excited to make custom clips with me. She thinks she could get me some even without that I have to show my face, as my body is attractive enough (she said it, not me!) I do try, I’ve stopped eating chocolate every day and eating healthy instead a few months ago. I would definitely love to make custom clips with her if I don’t have to show my face. I don’t mind having to travel over, it’s nice to get out of the place where I live sometimes.
I am also interested in potentially showing my face but need to think about it for a bit longer, as you can imagine. I know some of the sex bloggers show their face while others don’t but then it’s also another thing when being featured in a, what is considered as porn, video. I might write a separate post about my thoughts of showing my face or not.
I didn’t feel dizzy or exhausted on my way home. Whether or not I need thorough aftercare, the time we spent talking afterwards certainly worked. It hurt to sit but that was expected, haha. When I got home I pulled my skirt up and looked at myself in the mirror. My butt had bruised massively and looked a lot more purple compared to before. That’s blood thinners for you I guess! I have had a purple bruise like this once before because of rugby (which was a lot smaller!) but usually, I don’t bruise that much. I took a picture after I’d changed into comfy pyjamas.
I should have probably made some proper pictures of the bruise that day and in the days that followed, but I haven’t. I took some quick pictures with my phone on the first few days after but was still settling back into being home and it slipped my mind to set up my camera and take the pictures. I did enjoy looking at my butt but I liked the marks way more before it turned so extremely purple. And then I fell into quite deep and extreme depressive feelings. I dissociated and felt very suicidal for a few days. This had nothing to do with the caning but it meant I stopped functioning entirely and also forgot about the marks on my butt, nor cared about them. I only fully recovered and started functioning two days ago, which is probably a bit late to start keeping track of the marks overtime!
Still, here are the low-quality pictures of the marks in order of days that have passed.
Jeez, you’ve seen my butt often now!
I had a really good first experience with caning and I don’t think I could have been in the hands of a better person to do it with. She’s really good at what she does, friendly and has humour. What more do you want? I hope we’ll get to do this again. She said she might have a cane with which it is a lot harder to break the skin, which could be a solution for as long as I am still on blood thinners.
Xx Marie Louise