My dynamic with Lois was very different from my current one with Roxy. The most obvious difference is that one was online and one takes place in person but the set up of the relationships is distinctive too. While Lois and I were only Mistress and slave, Roxy and I are friends too. In my first dynamic, I was explicitly and constantly reminded of my role, while in my second that is slightly more absent.
Lois | Constant Presence of M/s
While there was a period of time in which Lois and I spoke like friends (or acquaintances), the reason we were talking was because of our interest in a dynamic. Our names disappeared out of the equation pretty quickly and once I submitted to her we only ever spoke as Mistress and slave.
At first, I could only connect to my slave self while I was talking to Lois but my sense of identity and our dynamic started to exist outside of our direct contact. Once this happened, Lois was always on my mind, which was aided by rules, tasks and the expectations she set me.
From the very start, every task she set me pushed some sort of limit and I often wondered if she wasn’t overestimating me. I liked being challenged but it also meant I could never relax. She purposefully kept me on my toes because it meant I kept working for it, which led to improvement and was obviously also a sign of control.
The daily rules I followed, the tasks I did and the fact that we were only ever Mistress and slave facilitated the constant presence of the power dynamic in my life.
Roxy | Seamless Roles
In a certain way, my dynamic with Roxy is less ‘present’ in my life. When I’m at home and when we aren’t talking there are very few reminders that I’m her slave. We don’t really have any rules and if we do then they are unspoken, by which I mean we follow the standard rules of etiquette.
When Roxy gives me a task I temporarily get to play my slave role. During, I want to do the best I can and I take satisfaction in posting the result but after that, it pretty much ends. There is no lasting reminder of the role I play in our dynamic.
However, our roles are seamless when we’re together in person. We don’t primarily meet up to play as Mistress and slave and spend time together as friends too but the dynamic is always present.
When I see her, for example, I’m the one who does the dishes or is asked to make tea most of the time. When she’s at her desk I kneel next to her and when I jokingly pushed her for one reason or another the other day she instantly said “… did you just push me?” and then started spanking me. In that sense, our dynamic is more present.
Solely Dependant on M/s
There was an important emotional connection missing in my dynamic with Lois. If you’ve read the posts you can tell she didn’t say much about herself and kept me at arm’s length in that regard. This gave me less of a sense of security and as a result, I was in need of tasks and the active reminder of our power dynamic.
Since I didn’t have a sense of purpose in my life, Lois tried to give that to me by centring it around my usefulness to her. This meant that I felt worthy of my place in the world if I followed her rules, completed tasks and did my best to please her. (Of course, it wasn’t that black and white, but you get the idea.)
One requirement to make this work was that she had to facilitate opportunities for me to serve. If I went without for too long I felt insecure and it was difficult to deal with the distance and moments of quiet. Since our relationship solely depended on M/s and she didn’t share herself with me I felt on edge without the constant reminder that I was serving her. When our dynamic was active I felt reassured that she liked me.
The Presence of an Emotional Connection
My dynamic with Roxy is different because we share similar interests and she hasn’t kept me at arm’s length. She tells me about her life and how she’s feeling and within that, there are mutual trust and understanding. I don’t feel like her approval of me depends on my completion of tasks. She has shown me that she likes me and wants to support me regardless and while that may have been true for Lois I never really felt it. I think it’s hard to fully trust another person if they don’t share themselves with you.
I thought I needed the continuous reminder of being a slave that Lois gave me. Because my sense of self is so strongly intertwined with identifying as a slave I thought that was the value of the tasks Roxy set me too. Providing me with a chance to serve translates to showing me that you care and thus rules and tasks give me a sense of security. Roxy is giving it to me emotionally, however, and that’s arguably a lot healthier.
From there, I still have the desire to be reminded but it doesn’t come from desperation. In Lois’ book, this means I wouldn’t be motivated enough to push myself to the limit but because of the person I am I always want to do the best I can regardless.
Being reminded of our roles in the subtle ways when I’m with Roxy is really nice. I imagine that living with a Mistress would be like something like that and it’d be more of a 24/7 thing, which I would like to have. I think it’s always been clear that this is my lifestyle, after all.