I love knowing that Roxy and I are going to play. When we go to certain places it no longer has to be said and there’s simply a knowledge that we will, which makes me happy. I don’t tend to ask what we’re going to do and only inform her if I need to be unmarked or not.
When the evening fell we went to an empty room in the house. She was holding very strange-looking goggles in her hand and said that I was going to wear them. I looked at them in slight disdain. Say what now? Do you want me to look like an idiot?!
Once they were on, we would have a crawl around the house and return here for some back whipping. As she crouched down to put them on my face I had to try really hard not to back away, as my instinctual response was to evade this situation at all costs. Mistress wants me to… she really wants me to… just let it happen… I thought as my fingers curled in and out of fists.
As soon as she put the goggles on my head I felt incredibly small, humiliated and vulnerable. I pictured myself from the outside. A naked girl on all fours with a collar and ridiculous goggles effectively making her blind.
The goggles altered my perception, which made me feel disoriented. It was like looking through a carnival mirror and all that was left were colours and shapes. It wasn’t the disorientation that threw me off, however; I couldn’t deal with the humiliating thought that I looked ridiculous. I knew there were people in the other room and felt incredibly embarrassed about the thought of crawling naked with these goggles on my head.
Roxy attached the leash to my collar and said that we were going to go for a little walk.
“No, wait…” I exclaimed.
She started heading for the door and I could hear other people’s voices outside. I could make out the light that was burning in the other room and at the first pull of my leash I put my weight down on the floor.
“No, I can’t!”
“Come on now,” she said.
“No, please, I can’t!”
She pulled at the leash again and I felt like a cat digging its nails into the floorboards as its owner picked her up to go for a bath. I was half laughing at the same time, amused at my predicament and Roxy laughed as well.
“Now, we’re really playing.” The joy was clearly audible in her voice, and it made me feel good. I know she likes to find things I dislike and I like it when she pushes me out of my comfort zone. But really, I didn’t think I could do this! The thought of the humiliation was too big and I was still anxious from an event that had happened earlier that day.
She decided to walk back into our current room. “Let’s walk around here first.”
“Yes, Mistress.” My voice was so small, but I was glad for this small mercy. I could at least do this and then maybe I would be able to go out there afterwards…
It felt strange to crawl; I always find it a bit strange to crawl when my knees are on the floor because it’s not the most efficient way to do it. It makes more sense to move about on hands and feet but that makes you look like a monkey so I suppose it’s a lose lose situation.
Even stranger so in this situation was that I couldn’t really see. I still knew where I was in the room because I made a note of which way I was facing before we moved but I was 100% reliant on Roxy to lead me the right way.
After a little circle we ended up at the other door that would lead to the next room and as the voices became more audible, the more I started to resist the pull of the leash. I can’t do this! People can’t see me like this, I look ridiculous! Please don’t make me do this.
I was giving her so much resistance that she seemed to question whether she could actually make me do this. My present anxiety was exceeding my usual instinctual will to make my Mistress happy. I wasn’t thinking rationally and so my body simply responded by refusing.
Roxy took off the goggles and told me to stand up. She announced we were going to do the whipping instead and I felt instant relief and disappointment at the same time. I was grateful that she recognised I might really not be ready to do this right now but I felt like I had failed her by not being able to do this. Moreover, I felt like I had failed myself by not being able to do this. I want to be pushed and I want to explore humiliation further and I really like the idea of being led around on a leash by my Mistress. But now that it happened I was going to let my anxiety prevent me from doing the things I like? I knew I would regret it for days to come if I didn’t manage to do this tonight.
I tried to tell her that I wanted to do it and felt bad for not doing it. I know I didn’t really say it in a straightforward way but my broken sentences added up and made sense to her somehow.
She told me to put my hands against the fireplace and to stand up straight. “You are going to take 10 lashes first and then we can try again.”
The whipping hurt and it felt like there was a certain weight to the lashes (emotionally for me), as they brought me one step closer to ‘being able to redeem myself’ (in my own eyes, obviously.) As a regular reader, you know I’m hard on myself.
By the 10th and after a growl escaped my lips, I sat back down on my knees. Roxy and I looked at each other for a moment; it seemed like she was checking my face if I really wanted to do this. She put the goggles back on my head.
I focussed on my breathing as I repeatedly told myself I could do this.
She said we would have to go all the way to the kitchen and back now, rather than simply into the other room as had been the initial plan.
I crawled into the room and followed her obediently, though incredibly slowly. I felt everyone’s eyes on me even though I couldn’t see anyone and while I knew it was probably all in my head I felt like standing naked in front of the classroom. I wanted to sink through the floor so badly or turn around and hide but I kept my body moving forward, following her.
Everyone was talking all around me but I didn’t know who was where. I couldn’t tell if someone was looking at me or even aware that we were passing by. I tried really hard not to think of anything. All I had to do was keep moving in the direction my Mistress was leading me in.
I recognised where we were when entered the hallway leading up to the kitchen, which felt so much longer than it usually is. When we reached the end, she turned around and said: “Okay, let’s go back now.”
For a second I thought: Nohooo, we have to go all the way back… and then went back into my focused headspace. I just need to follow her. We’ll be back in the first room in no time.
I felt the same humiliation as the first time when we entered the room with people. Then we moved past and returned to the quiet room. I’d done it!
Mistress took the goggles back off and told me to put my hands on the fireplace.
To be continued…