I’ve mentioned before in ‘Giving a Mistress access to all my accounts‘ how Miss Lois wanted to get to know me as good as she could and I had suggested that perhaps she could talk to my best friend, as he probably knew me the best. At first, my suggestion didn’t lead anywhere, but not long after the time my best friend and I tied each other to the bed while wearing ginger up our buts, they started talking.
Before this started taking place, my best friend had asked me if it was okay for him to do this and similarly Miss Lois talked to me about how I felt about all of this. I was happy for them to talk. I wanted Miss Lois to have access to all of me and I didn’t have anything to hide. I generally told both of them about everything in my life, really.
During one of Miss Lois and my conversations, she suggested that it might be interesting to have a three-way chat with the both of us and my friend some time and that she wanted to know my opinion on that.
I didn’t really know what my opinion was because I couldn’t imagine/predict how it would go, but that I was sure it would go fine. Of course, that answer wasn’t quite enough so she asked me what my worries were.
I had to think about it. I tend to keep my hands hovered above my keyboard when I’m thinking while my glance kind of slides across my room. At the same time, I’m aware of the seconds that are passing by and I feel like I should respond as quickly as I can.
I tried to explain it through examples. For example, the embarrassing position that he had proposed for me to take a picture in, it hadn’t felt humiliating to me, coming from him. It just kind of made me laugh instead. I also felt like… I could submit to Miss Lois but not to him, and while I knew I wouldn’t have to submit to him, I felt like thoughts he might have or things he might say or attempts to tease me, I wouldn’t let him. I’d deflect all of those things.
She said that he didn’t want to humiliate me as that’s not him, which I knew and agreed on. She added that he cares for me so incredibly deeply, (which I also knew, but it’s always special when someone else observes this and then mentions it because it means that he cares so much that other people can tell), and then added
Miss Lois: “But he seems to enjoy you being humiliated as if he likes that it happens to you. It is a mix between identifying with you, liking that you are happy and like to think of you as a woman, rather than [insert my normal name (which I don’t remember Miss Lois ever using other than here?]”
Everything she said made sense to me, but I was still worried. I said that I thought it’d be good to do it, even if only to put my mind at ease. I explained that I couldn’t deal with strong emotions very well. So for example, when my friend shows me a lot of love I can’t let it in. Then, I compared it to how I couldn’t let it in when Miss Lois told me I was a good girl or a slave (this has since changed). But what all of this meant was that I felt guilty. Because when my friend showed me a lot of love I’d just be like “Yeah, yeah, cool. Love you too, good night” (lol). Like… I tended to duck and hide, didn’t feel it, was indifferent and couldn’t reciprocate, which made me feel bad because it meant that I couldn’t return that love to him even though he deserves it.
(In fact, I hate it when family members tell me they love me because I just do not want? to feel it? or something? / cannot reciprocate? I clearly have issues with feelings lol.)
Miss Lois: “[Friend’s name] enjoys me using you. So maybe that is a way you can return his love? Does that make sense or not at all?”
It wasn’t making sense at the moment. I re-read what she said several times and it didn’t ease my worry so I concluded this must mean it didn’t make sense. She asked me how it would make me feel if my friend saw me behaving like a slave while I was talking to Miss Lois.
Again, I didn’t know, but I had been wondering about that for a little while. The first feeling that came to mind imagining this was worry over potentially hurting him. Like… would he be hurt seeing me as a slave, when he currently hadn’t found anyone to serve himself?
Miss Lois: “I think he worries a little that you would mind it
that he enjoys you being used as a slave.”
I actually didn’t feel like I would mind that at all. For one, because it would mean that he’d be enjoying it, which is good because he’d be enjoying himself? And two, Miss Lois would see his enjoyment coming from me as a compliment.
Miss Lois: “It’s like he is your friend and likes you as one of his best friends and being aroused by you or something you do feels wrong. Which then arouses him even more, because feeling wrong arouses him.”
I laughed at that because I knew that’s how it worked for him. I mean, I knew and know him pretty well haha.
Miss Lois: “And I see it as a massive compliment that I shaped you in a way that arouses people, and one of your best friends. That’s a massive compliment.”
(I don’t know if her saying that is starting to feel repetitive by now, but I really needed that repetition!)
I suggested that we should tell him that: that he was being the best friend he could be if he allowed himself to simply feels what he feels and to enjoy every part of our friendship, including this. She said that she would tell him that.
Then Miss Lois asked me if I had sometimes flashed him in the past (I think it once happened in a pool. Bikini’s don’t tend to stay on very well, lol) (Several times running from the bathroom to my room in a towel) (Trying on bras) (Him standing in my room talking to me and me casually just changing my trousers because I didn’t care lol) (Skirts being lifted by the wind) to tease him.
I hadn’t done these things on purpose. I was always unaware until my friend pointed it out and I didn’t ‘stop’ afterwards because I didn’t care and didn’t want to go through the effort to make sure that I never accidentally flashed people? Guess I’m a very practical person.
She asked me if I liked the idea of someone else enjoying me as a slave, other than me and her. I guessed that in the past, I might have felt ashamed for flashing him to some extent because it feels like it’s improper to do, in our society. (Honestly, we could probably go into a free the nipple discussion here lmao. I don’t actually care enough about that but lol.) But then over time, I stopped feeling ashamed because I was like… well, I’m just going to be myself and I don’t care what that means and he’ll deal with it. And whoever else is around or wants to be around me will also have to deal with it and if they don’t then they’re not worth my time. (Wouldn’t it be great if we all had this realisation at the start of our teenage years?!)
She asked me if this was new for me, realising that I enjoy it, or if I’d known it for a while. I felt like I’d known for a while. I often have known things for a while but it takes a while for them to emerge to the point that they turn into words, which can be conveyed with someone else. I suppose this is quite normal for everyone.
Miss Lois: “It makes sense, doesn’t it? It’s like wearing a diamond ring so other people can see it instead of keeping it at home in a box. So even though you feel nothing sexual towards your friend, knowing that he is aroused and enjoys you being used makes you feel good?”
Me: “I can identify it as a positive thing, Miss.”
(I’m such an avoider of saying yes and no.)
But Miss Lois identified that this answer was phrased like that because it didn’t, in fact, make me feel good, because I block things out that make me feel good, which was and kind of is, still true, lol.
Our conversation ended but was picked up three days later and returned to this topic. At first, we were talking about how a lot of lesbians hate male attention. I mean, I used to hate it, lmao. I used to see it as well I’m clear about my sexuality, why the hell are you still trying? Leave me alone. Go away. Please.
But then I realised that not all attention is bad. It is when men try and convince you that they’ll turn you straight, or that they’re going to be the exception for you or when they are indeed still trying to get more than what they will get from a lesbian. LIKE LESBIAN! But anyway, that doesn’t mean that receiving compliments from men is bad. Neither is attention. Those things aren’t linked to gender. They’re simply compliments and attention. And when we were talking that day, I already felt that way, which had been a big turnaround.
She was quite happy about the change and added that we could use my friend to practise this even more, which made me laugh… thinking about ‘using’ my friend just feels weird. I have always done my absolute best to ensure that he cannot do things for me because I don’t want to misuse him! Even though all he wants to do is help me. It’s a constant ‘fight’ we have. Like, I’d be super ill in bed with a wet cloth on my head, unable to move, really. And he’d be like: “I can cook for you. Do your laundry?” And I’d be like: “No, absolutely not. No way. I won’t make you do things for me!”
Miss Lois: “Do you like the idea of using [friend’s name] for our purposes?”
Me: “I know he will also enjoy it so I feel at ease with it, Miss.”
Miss Lois: “He is the kind of submissive who relishes in being useful, ideally without thanks or reward.”
I thought that was interesting, but it also made sense, knowing my friend. #Sudden realisation that all this time I could have just made him happy by letting him do all the things for me I didn’t want him to do! lol.
I then said that I had actually thought, for months, that the most useful thing would be if Miss Lois and my friend started talking, but I wasn’t sure if it would be a good thing for my friend so I never mentioned it.
She showed me what he himself had said about it, which included that if he was to get a reward it would feel cheapened and I didn’t understand what that meant.
Miss Lois: “He feels cheapened because if he gets a reward it means that his effort to please was worthless to the person, as the person has to go through the effort of rewarding him.”
Me: “So I’m different from that, right? Like I need validation?”
Miss Lois: “Yes.”
We talked about it a bit more and it started making sense to me why him helping us, or us using him would make him happy too. Miss Lois said that it didn’t only have to come from her and that if I asked him to do something it would also make him happy.
But I couldn’t get that far. Telling him or anyone to do things kind of goes in against my own nature? She said that was okay. It wasn’t a goal to get me to a point where I could ask or tell him to do things for me.
Though, she observed that I felt scared of people doing things for me. It’s a defence mechanism because I feel like I owe them when they do.
This is still a thing and goes quite far, lol. Like, sometimes my flatmate washes a knife for me that I used and I’m like: “No, you don’t have to do that!” and she looks at me like… it’s just a knife, chill!
A few days after we had this conversation, an inconvenience for me was magically turned into convenience for Miss Lois because she could turn it into a task. I had to call a call centre about an order she’d asked me to place, and Miss Lois thought it was a perfect opportunity for me to do it naked and with a butt plug in because I’d been complaining about how phone calls made me anxious. And then this magically served itself to give my friend a task, which then led to our group chat together.
I have three posts planned for both the task and the group chat that followed in the week of the 9th of November so stay tuned!
You can find my best friend on his blog Liam’s Taboos.