In BDSM, it sometimes appears customary for dominants to assert their dominance through capitalisation, elevating themselves with ‘Me’ and ‘Mine’, while submissives use lower case letters like ‘i’, overriding normal grammar rules. While I respect the choice of individuals to do so, it sometimes feels tricky for me to navigate within Femdom.
As a submissive this would automatically mean I am ‘i’ or ‘mila’ but I see myself as an equal. I choose to submit to each individual on a case-by-case basis and until we’ve agreed on a play scene at an event or a play scene for filming I remain an equal, especially as a producer who runs her own clip store.
If I were to enter a committed dynamic with a Mistress where the rules of grammar reflect our power exchange I would adhere to such an agreement but without prior consent I don’t feel comfortable adopting this language style as a default simply because of my submissive identity. However, on a personal level, I don’t feel comfortable using language in this manner at all and will likely never choose to do so. Using a capital for ‘Her’ while not doing so for ‘me’ also feels peculiar and uncomfortable for me.
I feel strength and power within my submission and believe it’s something I can be proud of. Having to address myself with lower case letters undermines that. In my previous dynamic, my Mistress acknowledged my role as a Slave with a capital S (though capitalising dominant nouns while not using capitalisation for submissive nouns doesn’t bother me as these simply refer to the roles), which didn’t diminish my respect for her or my ability to submit. Yet, I feel pressured to conform to certain rules in the wider BDSM community because I am afraid that not doing so might be perceived as a sign of disrespect towards them.
I think the most respectful way for me to address others is by using their chosen title and / or name, such as Mistress, Miss or Goddess, as it acknowledges their role and position without diminishing my own autonomy.
Perhaps I made a mistake by setting my profile name as Submissive/Slave Mila, as it might have given the wrong impression. I thought that including my role in my name would clearly convey my profile’s purpose and the nature of the services I offer but I’m now considering a change to better reflect the nuances of my identity.
Guess I’ll need to start thinking of a surname for myself, since Mila on its own is a bit too unidentifiable!
Xx Mila