Dommes from my past

  • A male Dom, (I’ll call him E)
    When I was 16/17, and still thought I was bi-sexual. (Post about this can be found here.)
    When I was 16, I felt like I was old enough to get involved with BDSM. I didn’t want to wait until 18. So I went back online to all the sites that I wasn’t yet allowed to be on (fetlife, etc.) and made an account lying about my age. I got a message from a male dom who wasn’t that much older than me and studied in the same place as me. I told him my actual age and we started chatting quite normally and discussed trying out a D/s relationship, starting online.

    I told him I was a writer and he asked me to write a scenario of what would happen if we met. He introduced me to wax, of which I had previously been too scared to try (and turned out I actually loved wax). We did a few other things online. He asked me what I wanted to try out or what I was interested in and used that to order me to do things, at first. However, I then soon realised that I didn’t like guys at all in that way. It was a real struggle for me to admit this and I felt so guilty towards him and hated myself. I think I told him and then pushed him away entirely. I honestly cannot remember, but somehow we ended up being friends as he was quite concerned and patient and so sweet. We are still in contact and still friends, but our ‘relationship’ certainly ended once I realised I was a lesbian.
  • A Female Mistress, (Lisa)
    When I was 18 (Read about her here)
    I waited with making a collarme (now collarspace) profile until I was 18 and scoured all the different female bi/lesbian doms listed there. I didn’t really know who to contact and I didn’t really feel attracted to everyone until I stumbled upon Lisa’s profile. She had quite a long text describing a bit of herself and what she was looking for and at the end of it, she requested that whoever messaged her should start the message with ‘strawberry’ so that she knew you’d read her profile and were serious.

    So I wrote to her and we hit it off pretty quickly. I was very shy, completely inexperienced knowing absolutely nothing. I didn’t even touch myself or give myself orgasms. She loved the way I wrote to her and the words she wrote to me completely took me to… to the dream of being a submissive to someone, I guess. Except suddenly it was reality. She read my mind so well, knowing my desires and insecurities better than I did. She also understood my daily life struggles, including my depression. She said that depression is “a cloud, a layer of smog settling over your mind- something that clouds the view of what the world is.”

    I submitted to her after she asked me to. Our contact was only online. Sometimes I’d chat to her while I was at my internship (oops) and sometimes just at home. Our contact was kind of sporadic as she seemed to be quite busy but it was very intense… very incredible and good. It felt like this was the first time I could really be myself and she was opening things in me that no one else could, but which I’d been dying to be opened up for. I wanted to meet her, but things were a bit difficult in that sense because her life wasn’t going too well. Something happened that made her life spin out of control and she told me she had to let me go. It wasn’t a long conversation. She just said that her life had taken a different turn and that she had to let me go. She did say she hoped we’d speak again. I was devastated. I felt like I didn’t get any closure. It took me over two years and a new Mistress to truly get over this.
  • A vanilla girlfriend, (I’ll call her I)
    when I was 20, who I then introduced to BDSM 
    (we were together for a year) (Read about her here and here)
    I met her at university and we got together quite quickly. On one of our first dates, I joked about tying someone up and she said something about how she would tie me to the radiator. (Apparently, she didn’t know anything about BDSM when saying this). I told her about my submissive desire before we became official and she was curious about it. Once we got together, we bought a few toys and played around a bit. She did like to look at sadistic ideas on the internet and try them out on me, but I don’t think she was truly dominant and eventually we had to end our relationship. (She is the first person I had sex with)
  • An online Mistress (Miss Lois),
    when I was 22/23
    (she trained me for about a year)
    (rules in our dynamic can be found here) (All posts about our dynamic can be found here)
    I met her on Collarspace where she messaged me. I was quite reluctant to really talk to her or get involved for a long time. I was struggling a lot with my feelings, although I didn’t realise it. After a few weeks or months? we wrote some sort of scenario to one another and I freaked out. I didn’t reply and left it for a few days. Then eventually I started feeling guilty and sort of explained that I couldn’t do this and that she should find someone else. She was really understanding and calmed me down and we started again, very slowly. She helped me find myself and uncovered a part of me that I never thought existed. I always saw myself as submissive, but never as a slave. She helped me accept myself and my ‘need’ and nature. And after a few months of talking about different things and scenarios (to get to know my mind), I became more of a slave in training. It started very slowly. At first there was only one rule until later there were enough to write them down in a document. We moved from writing on Collarspace to Email, to an app and sharing pictures, to sharing videos to webcam. And we moved from simple tasks to harder and sometimes a lot more painful tasks. Miss Lois could access a part of me that generally seems to be locked away, but which I wish was accessible all the time. I would have liked to serve her and become her slave but life sent her in another direction, and so eventually my training although not completed had to end.