If you remember the previous post, you know that Miss Lois had set me the task to wear heels at the airport and that I didn’t manage to do this. While she understood that I had done the best that I could, I still had to be punished, for which I felt grateful because it could rid me of my guilt.
Punishments often tend to have to fit the crime… so for not wearing the heels when I was told to, the punishment was to fill my shoes with the stones that she’d told me to find and to wear them with the stones for a day.
She specified that she wanted me to fill my shoes to a level that I found most uncomfortable, which could be just a few or many (I think I had something in between). The emphasis of pain had to be on the balls of my feet – so stones had to be underneath there.
Because I don’t always necessarily walk a lot in a day, she also specified that I had to be on my feet for at least 2-3 hrs, including at least 30-minutes of continuous walking. The longer I was to go without sitting down, the better, but the 30 minutes was a minimum.
She also mentioned that she expected me to push myself… because if I didn’t push myself to my limit I would no be forgiven.
Of course, I was to write a handwritten report afterwards:
“14.25 pm: Funnily enough, the first thing I did when putting on my shoes this
morning was shake out some thing that had been in there which had been
annoying me yesterday, and then right before I left home I suddenly
remembered that I should in fact have filled my shoes with stones.
I don’t know if my left foot is more sensitive than my right, but the stones hurt more in that shoe. I’ve tried shifting the stones in my right shoe around to try and get the same pain that I feel in my left foot, but it’s not really working out.
The stones also kind of move a lot. I don’t know how to keep them in the same place. In a way, the movement makes it more uncomfortable because suddenly there’ll be a new point on my foot that gets hurt. Some stones are stuck in certain places though. I think the most painful points are somewhere in the middle of the balls of my feet and also in between the heel and the balls of my feet?
As usual, I cycled to town which takes about 25-30 minutes. I can still feel the stones while cycling but they aren’t as painful when standing or walking. Usually, I also cycle through town but I’m walking today. I went into Tesco and another shop to get some white tag, which altogether took about 30 minutes.
I had class afterwards where I sat down. The effect was that the pain points
weren’t as painful as when walking or standing, obviously, but it started to give me some sort of uncomfortable burning feeling over time anyway?
(I kind of feel like today is a day on which I should’ve gone on a hike to inflict the most pain on my feet.)
So after town and class, I got home around 2.20ish, after which I started writing this, and I have been standing for almost 2 hours now.
Since I have no other plans that involve walking I feel like I should try standing for a long time. So no sitting down for now…
16.50: I walked to the only tiny shop here to have an excuse to walk, and bought something random and small that I didn’t really need. The shop owner seemed really happy to see me, which was kind of weird. Walking with stones now is so painful. I could not walk normally. I’m pretty sure that people on the street were able to see that I was walking strangely and the further I walked, the slower I had to go. Before walking home after going to the shop, I walked through two streets and then on another path to somewhere.
17.12 It’s really starting to hurt now. I kind of feel like this is the point where I
should keep on standing a bit longer. I just made dinner so maybe I’ll allow myself to sit down and eat dinner when it comes out of the oven. Seems fair right?
17.24 can’t wait for the day without stones in my shoes.
17.36 sitting down for dinner.
The 10 minutes of sitting down didn’t give me a lot of relief. Afterwards, I spent most of my time sitting down until I had to leave for football training at 7. When I arrived at training I felt newly aroused because I was suddenly super aware of the stones again and being in the company of people that I knew who… I don’t know what they would think if they knew what I was doing?
Miss Lois had said that I should not put stones in my shoes during football training, so I put on my training shoes without adding the stone, which stayed in my normal trainers.
It was a bit strange to suddenly wear shoes without stones again. It felt like a little bit of a relief but at the same time, it stayed in the back of my head… I was being punished. I should be suffering. Training without stones was necessary but it felt wrong to not wear the stones.
However, afterwards, I was dreading to put my normal shoes with the stones back on… I really wanted the day to end. Once I got home I took a shower and then went to lie in my bed.
The day after Every time I thought about the fact that my feet are hurting because of the stones that I had to wear in my shoes, I felt a little aroused. I remember going to the toilet in the morning and noticing that I was wet.
Every time I thought of the idea that I’m currently hurting because
My feet hurt today. They kind of sting. I do not at all like standing or walking right now. It’s less painful than yesterday with the stones but it bothers me more today. My feet feel very sore and there’s also a still a bit of a burning feeling. But I deserve it. I’m glad I got to suffer in this way to make things right.”
I felt very relieved once this punishment was over. Initially, it hadn’t seemed too bad but as time moved forward during the day, it became more challenging to cope with the stones. It definitely felt like a slow burn in which it all just intensified a lot later on.
I regret not wearing the heels at the airport, even though I knew that I couldn’t have done better at the moment. I struggled a bit with the thought tho, but focusing on the pain helped because it did feel like this way I’d be forgiven, by both Miss Lois and myself.
I was ready to throw the stones away after this… but I soon came to know that Miss Lois had another idea to push me to wear the heels in public, far earlier than I had hoped for. And so my feet were soon going to be in pain again?