The lovely Simon Brooke who I did suspension with showed me a Fetlife post of a bisexual female Dominant in Scotland, MissSultryBelle, who is looking for girls to cane on video. I was immediately interested. 1. I’ve been dying to try out any form of impact play. 2. It feels difficult to find bisexual/lesbian female Dominants that would be interested in doing things with me. 3. I have no problem with being on video.
I messaged her and wasn’t sure what to expect. Maybe she wouldn’t be interested but I could at least try? She was happy to cane me and so we arranged something on the day I fly back to Scotland, which is in about a weeks time. Ok, so the date and time have been set. This is going to happen. So wait… what kind of impact play have I done? I’m tempted to say none. I mean… my ex did some spanking sometimes and I tried to hit myself with wire and used an elastic rope to recreate someone hitting me, in some way, I guess, but… real impact play, nope.
Jumping straight into caning might be a terrible idea, haha. But then, I am a masochist. I just need to keep on reminding myself that I am. For me, pain can enhance the feeling of submission. Pain isn’t usually something people like and therefore taking it for someone else feels like an act of submission. This is also the reason that taking pain makes me feel more useful as suffering pain can become about holding out for the Dominant. Additionally, I get very wet from pain so it must arouse me, right? The idea of getting caned certainly arouses me!
However, I was surprised to find that the prospect of this much-desired arrangement brought up feelings that I thought I had overcome. I certainly had in regards to Miss Lois but I guess that doesn’t mean it’s the same for the rest of the world!
What if I can’t take it?
What if I can’t take it? I’ve always wanted to do it and I seem to like pain but you never know. Plus, some self-doubt is creeping back in. During my time with Miss Lois, the main thing that brought me fear wasn’t the prospect of the pain from clamps or hot sauce. I’d be most afraid of ‘failing’ and of being unable to cope. Miss Lois always pushed me beyond my comfort zone and then even beyond my out-of-my-comfort-zone. How often didn’t I think… ‘but no one else would make me do this… surely other dominants would work up to these things with their subs more slowly…’ But then every time, no matter how afraid I was or how painful and difficult it got, I found another way to hold on some longer and push through. Even if I felt like I had no idea how to get through an entire session when we were only about five minutes in, I still managed. So you know, it’s going to be fine. Remember, you’re a masochist!
I’m fighting against my submission
I have no idea if this is familiar, but I find myself actively opposing letting anyone else ‘take control’ or ‘dominate’ around me, in some way. As you have probably gathered, I love teasing people, especially my friends. Teasing goes back and forth in conversations but I always win. I always win and often am the one to initiate these types of conversations. I guess I never lose because I don’t initiate one unless I know I’ll win because I hate the idea of ‘submitting’ to someone else’s victory. Like, my best friend and I used to play a lot of Mario Kart when we still lived together and I would always win; except, one time I lost and I couldn’t ‘submit’ to the idea that he was ‘superior’ in that moment.
It’s important to note that I am not a sore loser though. I don’t care about winning or losing in that sense. In football matches and any sort of games, it’s the experience and the doing bit that matters to me and I don’t care if I’m not the best individual or team on any given day. I know this sounds conflicting but I don’t know how else to explain.
It all comes down to opening up though. I’m sure everyone can relate in that no one wants to break down and cry in front of their friends. I’m very closed and the only person I allowed to see me cry and break down (note this is different from my inability not to while just happening to be in the presence of other people) is Miss Lois. In fact, it took about two years before I allowed myself to make a noise during an orgasm, both when I was alone in my room, on webcam with Miss Lois and/or making a video for her. So imagine, meeting a dominant that you essentially don’t know with the prospect that you’ll undress in front of her and will get caned. That’s a lot of opening up all at once so of course, my natural defence mechanism is fighting against it but I don’t want it to win. I want this caning session.
The fact that I’m asking for it increases my internal fight. I’m not being punished or told to be caned for a session of some sorts with ‘my’ Mistress. I voluntarily contacted this Dominant and asked her if she would want to cane me. If that’s not admitting to my deepest darkest desires I don’t know what is and admitting this is opening up and acknowledging my slave identity. (I guess that shows I still haven’t truly accepted what I feel like I am.)
This builds on the paragraphs above, but will I allow myself to make a sound? What if I do make a sound? Can I open up like that and not feel like I want to sink into the floor and disappear? I mean, I probably won’t be able to help make a sound considering we’re talking about caning here, lol. And imagine crying… I don’t think I would; it takes quite a lot before I cry from pain and I only tend to cry when I feel like I’m failing or not doing well enough but imagine. Opening up like that sounds terrifying.
Worries like this often make me struggle to enjoy the pain or the moment. I’m too focused on needing to hold out or doing it right. I know that I’d do both those things automatically because of who I am, and still, I worry. It doesn’t matter though, as I don’t think submission is about my pleasure. But once I am able to let go, which I have gotten better at, it’s more enjoyable for me!
The reason why
All of the above is exactly why I want to do this. I want to acknowledge who I am and what I like (not that I know if I like caning.) What I do know is that I like submitting and be put in situations where it’s not my choice whether something stops or not. Obviously, it will be my choice how far the caning will go but I’m sure I’ll hold out for a little while.
I want to force myself to open up because I’m tired of this defence mechanism stepping in the way of my desires all the time. Moreover, I would love to have any kind of session in real life because most of the things I’ve done have been online (this makes me sound quite desperate lol, but I do have certain requirements). I don’t feel like I’ve been properly dominated in any real-life kinky encounters and I feel like it’s about time. And of course, I am a masochist and I am quite curious about caning and the (possibly?) severe pain.
I’ve imagined how it could play out, put my thoughts in order and watched some caning in porn, haha. I no longer feel scared, which means the room has opened up for excitement and I am very excited. I’m sure I’ll be nervous on the day but who wouldn’t be?
So, when I finally fly back to Scotland, I’ll be welcomed home by the hit of a cane ha!
Read about the experience here
Xx Marie Louise