After fulfilling Tasks Given by People on Fetlife, Lois gave me a new task. “Next week, you will wear the long black skirt and the long green skirt twice. So you are going to wear those skirts for 4 days in total.” The prospect of this was terrifying to me. What if people thought I’d dressed up too fancy? What if they’d tell me it looked stupid? Or complimented me? Or just looked my way because I was wearing these skirts? Aaaaah.
And also, 4 long skirts in one week? My friends would definitely think this was out of the ordinary. This is how I ranked the outfits. Number 1 is the scariest one to wear and number 4 the least scary one.
Just as always, I sent her the picture of the outfit I was wearing that day but of course, this time the outfit wouldn’t be a surprise. I decided to do the green skirt first because that was the scariest one to me. My logic is that if I get the scary one out of the way first, the rest of the week will be easier. However, shirt wise I choose the easier option. All my smiles in these pictures are ‘I know you told me to smile in every picture all the time but also I’m ANXIOUS’.
Spring had reversed back to 5C that day. It was sunny but would have usually been too cold for me to without any sort of tights. I had asked her if I could wear tights but she specifically wanted me to wear this skirt without. Something about my legs looking good? I didn’t get it. All I knew was that it was cold.
I cycled to town in trousers because this skirt would not survive if I cycled in it. In fact, it feels so restricting that I am afraid of breaking it just walking! I came in on the quieter side of town, parked my bike in a bit of a hidden area and the changed in a public toilet. Alright, I told myself, all you have to do is get to the students union… The building was just about one street away at a five-minute walk so naturally, I took the long way around by choosing narrow hidden alleys.
I had hoped to be able to slip inside the union and join my friend at her table but instead, we ran into each other on the street so she had enough time to have a look at it and I wanted to turn into dust so I could slip in between the cracks of the pavement underneath me. She told me she liked the skirt. I had started sweating out of embarrassment and shame. It wouldn’t have mattered what she had said. While it was good she liked it rather than disliked it, I still felt like I was overdressed and did she actually like it or just say that she did? I’ve come to the realisation now that she will tell me anything looks good because she’s supportive of whatever the people around her choose to do so there was nothing for me to worry about!
She noted that it seemed a bit cold to wear this skirt without tights today. Yes, yes it is but someone told me to wear it like this. There is something about having to do something because your Mistress tells you to even though you and the rest of the world seem to think it’s rather silly.
I asked my friend if this skirt was too much to wear or if I could wear it to class and she said that if this was my style it didn’t matter, though she felt like this was kind of sophisticated and could pass as an interview type of look, but that it wasn’t necessarily an interview type of look. Is anyone else ever confused about these things people say? My mind did not feel eased at all about the prospect of wearing this skirt again.
I sent this picture accompanied with the text, “I really dislike this skirt… and I really dislike this top and I really dislike the entire look of it.” Reading this now, I feel like I should have held my heart saying that. I’m surprised she didn’t punish me, lol.
She wasn’t online, of course. We’d pre-selected the outfits so I wouldn’t have to worry about choice at the very least. I know she wanted me to do this ‘alone’ otherwise, I might have tried pleading with her or she would have had to listen to me complain for the entirety of our conversation.
Twenty minutes later, I’d made it to town on my bike where I had class, and my texts went on as followed,
“Am doing great.
Very uncomfortable in class.
I had to get up to go to the toilet and then in the bathroom in the mirror, I thought it looked pretty good from the side.
But on my way back to class, K appeared so we walked back together and I’m feeling super uncomfortable and unhappy about it again.”
Class was only 2 hours long and it meant that I could sit for the majority of it. I didn’t have any other reason to be in town so other than walking into the building and out again, I didn’t really move about. In fact, I was probably out of the house for a total of 2.5 hours but god I felt so anxious.
As it turns out, the social situation on Tuesday was more terrifying to me than the social situation on Monday even though Tuesday’s outfit ranks lower in terms of its scariness to wear. After I came home, I was so relieved knowing I had made it halfway this task and I took a break on Wednesday. On Wednesday evening, Lois had me write “fuck off Mum” on my body about which I wrote in this post, “Fuck you” | For a fleeting moment, at peace at last.
It was time for the next outfit but before putting it on, I took a picture to send to/tease my best friend with showing the remains of last night.
I had a therapy session in another city today, which meant I’d be on a bus for 30 minutes there and 30 back and more importantly, would mean no one I knew would see me, apart from the therapist. It had only gotten colder this week and it ended up raining when I’d just gotten to the bus station where I changed into the skirt.
The worst parts of wearing this outfit that day was 1) getting on the bus and walking to a seat, feeling like people were looking at me. 2) getting off the bus for the same reason. 3) walking from the door opening of my therapist’s office to the chair next to the window. 4) waiting for the bus to come outside of the building while it started to rain and the bus was about 15 minutes late.
On Friday I woke up with remnants of the “I am a slave” lines on my thighs on my arm and it wouldn’t come off! The final outfit left was the least scary one and I felt much better about wearing it compared to the previous three days. I turned in my essay (they still require you to do this in person, ridiculous), then had celebratory waffles with the people on my course and spent some time walking around town with my friend.
It felt like the session that Lois and I had in the middle of this week had helped me with my anxiety a little or perhaps I had just gotten more used to wearing the skirts already. I still didn’t like the look of them. Long just isn’t my thing?
I felt strangely happy about having worn a long skirt for nearly four days in a row as if it was an accomplishment, which seems really silly, lol. I had an overwhelming feeling of relief though and felt like at the very least I wouldn’t have to wear any of these again any time soon. But of course, that’s not how it works. The point of this task was to make me wear them without needing to be told. Any clothes related tasks were always designed to do this, push me out of my comfort zone, show me that there is nothing to be afraid of and to get me to wear them on my own. For heels, for example, a rule had been for me to wear a pair at least once a week for at least an hour while being amongst my friends. Can you imagine how much anxiety that caused me?
Before Lockdown, I almost exclusively wore heels when going out (comfortable small ones, mind you) so in the end, I got there. However, I only wore the black skirt out of my own accord a few times and only wore the green one once more when I was told to do so. In fact, I still haven’t fixed the green skirt. Long skirts aren’t for me? At least when I have the choice, they’re likely to remain in my wardrobe.
Xx Marie Louise