Buy the entire bundle of the Seven Days in April Diaries here.
This is day 3 of a week of diary entries I wrote at the start of April, in collaboration with other bloggers I was asked to partake in by May Moore for her online publication. I’ve been struggling (as I’m sure many of you have) with finding a way to cope with the current Covid situation. The seriousness of it all hit home extra hard when my best friend caught it badly while his dad also landed on IC and I found that writing this diary helped at least a little. I’ve been a bit scared of sharing this but I think it’s important to as I hope it’ll show people that they’re not alone in their struggle or anxiety, even if our struggles are different.
April 3rd, 2020
For every step she takes my body tenses. I try not to look at the door but I can’t help it; it’s as if I’m afraid that she’ll burst in even though I know she won’t. Instead, she’s going to go out to meet her friend and by this point, I feel both anxious that she’s in the house and would like her to leave and feel anxious that she’s going to leave. Please don’t leave, is the thought my mind settles on. She walks past my room, then again and pauses. I wonder if she’s considering to say bye. Don’t you dare say bye. As if this is normal. Like how we usually tell each other when we’re leaving. She walks away and a few seconds later the door falls closed in its lock.
I decide that I too have to leave the house, though it’s to get my medication, which has been ready for me for the past three days. I’d been considering if I really need it, as it’s to solve my constipation issues for which I’ve had to use an enema every few days instead. The reason why I’m afraid of this virus is because I know the NHS might not be able to help me if I get really sick. I mean, that’s why it’s so important that we’re social distancing right now. But also, we need toilet paper and somehow I’m anxious that they will have nothing in stock and I’ll have to find a different way to wipe my butt. Maybe I’m just anxious about it because my flatmate is making me so anxious right now.
It’s not just that she’s making me anxious though. I’m also really angry. Somehow I very specifically remember Boris Johnson say, “Do not go out to meet your friends.” How can she go out to meet her friend just because she feels like she has the right to do this over everyone else? What makes her so special? There are so many people who have to go out to try and save other peoples lives while putting themselves at risk. My university specifically wrote to its students and urged us to go home if we could in order to protect the local community, as we have a lot of elderly people. She chose to stay and is now deciding to go out, disregarding the fact that she puts people at risk because she, as she put it, thought about it, concluded she is not doing any harm and would never purposefully harm someone, and should, therefore, be trusted. Well, what about purposefully taking that unnecessary risk?
A friend of mine suggests I should call the police and I have to admit that it crossed my mind before. Maybe there’s an option to do it online because I’m too scared to actually call but when I go onto the site, I somehow decide to ring the number.
What’s my name? Can I spell that? And my number? What about her name? And her number? My hand is shaking as I’m holding the phone and it’s difficult for me to keep my voice even. I wonder if this is the right thing to do or if I’m exaggerating. I say that I don’t think my flatmate means to harm anyone but that she doesn’t understand the severity of the situation. They tell me they’ll call her and won’t say it was me but she’ll know. Twenty minutes later I hear a knock on the door.
She looks surprised when I tell her there are people here for her, probably thinking that it’s her friend or a package she’s forgotten about. I wait in the hallway as they explain to her that the rules have changed and that she’s not allowed to meet anyone outside of her household now. They say that they understand that it’s confusing and just wanted to make sure that she’s aware. When they leave, she turns to me and says that I shouldn’t have called, that she showered when she got home and that there was no harm in meeting someone who actually… Who actually what? She doesn’t finish her sentence. She says that she gets why no one can live with me; that I should live on my own to sort myself out.
For other snippets of this diary, see:
Missy began the seven days with her post, which can be found here
Jae followed up with day 2, which can be found here
HisLordShip published his day 4 diary entry here
Sweetgirl published her day 5 diary entry here
Posy published her day 6 entry here
May finished the week with her day 7 entry here
If you’ve been struggling with stress, fear and anxiety, check out this article by QI Supplements.