Content warning: unconsensual sexual touching.
When he started touching me in the morning, my first response was to ask him what time it was, sort of grumpily, as if to say I wasn’t feeling up for this right now.
It didn’t stop him from touching me. Confused and unsure of what was happening, my sleepy mind tried to make sense of the situation.
I had gone to bed with him last night where we had cuddled like usual. I often went to bed with him for cuddles until he fell asleep; then he’d start snoring and I would leave. He often said he wishes I could stay; my calming presence would help him sleep.
Last night he didn’t start snoring and so I decided to stay. In the few times I woke up at night he’d seemed grumpy and I suspected he had mostly been unable to sleep. Did he want to touch me now to make up for it? I tried to move away from his touch but his hand remained comfortably within reach.
“It’s too early,” I said as I rolled my body in the opposite direction without success.
He said something about how my body was so ready for this, based on my arousal that I didn’t feel. He wanted me to stay still so I kept still for a moment. Maybe I could escape in my mind; maybe then it would stop? I wondered if the best way to get out of this situation was to let it happen and escape as soon as it stopped.
No, this is so unpleasant.
I tried to move away from his hand again and wriggled in two different directions. “It’s too early for this,” I tried once more. “I’m tired.”
His attention moved to his penis and he put my hand on it.
“It’s definitely too early for this,” I said resolutely and his hand continued to rub against my clit instead.
I tried to tune into it for a moment, thinking: maybe I can enjoy this? Is this what people are supposed to do? Sometimes I like to be touched? Maybe I can try and enjoy this too? But it didn’t feel right and I didn’t want to be touched. I tried to move away again and complained that this wasn’t the right time.
He said some things along the lines of how he could tell I was uncomfortable and that he was enjoying it all the more. “You don’t need to enjoy it as long as I do and I am enjoying this very much.”
My thoughts accelerated into free fall. What do you mean I don’t have to enjoy it as long as you do? Yes, I like it when I make people happy in service of them – sometimes specifically when I don’t like to do something, but that’s when it’s been clearly negotiated, mainly with my Mistress. We never talked about doing anything like this?!
He continued to say things on that same note and for every new line, I began to feel my mind drift away while feelings of sadness and desperation mixed with each other.
Then a sense of anger seeped its way in, allowing me to force my mind back into my body. I tried to think of the best way to get out of this situation. I began to object quietly with little response, then finally, sternly said: “I can’t come. I’m way too sensitive.”
This seemed enough to make him stop; we separated and just laid there for a while. I felt somewhat paralysed; knowing I wanted to leave but feeling unsure of how. I thought of knocking on a friend’s door to ask for a lift to the train station but it dawned on me that I would then have to explain the situation. What if they thought I had simply made it up? Or what if this was really my fault? Should I have been clearer in saying no?
It felt like we laid there for over an hour, while thoughts and feelings of guilt nestled itself in my chest. I thought of my Mistress and how this situation may have been fine if it had been the two of us instead.
My Mistress and I have often had conversations about the parameters of our dynamic, what we are into, what certain things mean and where our relationship might be going. For all intents and purposes, I have given my Mistress blanket rule consent to play with me when she wants to, and as part of that, to touch me when she pleases.
However, even when we have a scene she tends to check in with me beforehand; she will give me the choice whether I want to know what’s going to happen so I can decide whether I want to do this or not, or whether I like to join her in this experience without specifically knowing what is going to go down.
Nearer to the start of our dynamic, the first few times she checked in with me like this, I thought it was a bit silly: Why are you checking in with me? You don’t have to ask, I’ve already given you consent.
But I have really come to appreciate the value of checking in now, as I didn’t realise how much the negative values from my dynamic with the catfish stuck, and how much I needed to learn the meaning of consent too, so that I can stand up for myself.
At first, after he touched me unconsensually, I thought that maybe it was my fault. I went to bed with him and stayed overnight. I did something sexual with him previously so maybe that gave him the wrong idea. I like to please people so maybe he thought that’s just what I like to do. I should have said no clearly from the very start.
But as I started following these thoughts, a part of me felt like this was all wrong. I never consented to being touched in the morning while barely just waking up. He never asked me if I wanted to have sex and had only ever said he wished I would stay over so I could help him sleep.
If my Mistress had touched me cause she felt like it it would have been fine. But the only reason that’s fine is because we have talked about it and I have given her consent to take those liberties within our agreed dynamic.
He and I are not in a dynamic and we have never talked about this.
I realised that I was not at fault and that it was him who crossed my boundaries. And while I felt angry, disappointed and despair, I simultaneously felt intense gratitude for my Mistress for showing me what consent means.