Missing Consent

Content warning: unconsensual sexual touching.

When he started touching me in the morning, my first response was to ask him what time it was, sort of grumpily, as if to say I wasn’t feeling up for this right now.

It didn’t stop him from touching me. Confused and unsure of what was happening, my sleepy mind tried to make sense of the situation.

I had gone to bed with him last night where we had cuddled like usual. I often went to bed with him for cuddles until he fell asleep; then he’d start snoring and I would leave. He often said he wishes I could stay; my calming presence would help him sleep.

Last night he didn’t start snoring and so I decided to stay. In the few times I woke up at night he’d seemed grumpy and I suspected he had mostly been unable to sleep. Did he want to touch me now to make up for it? I tried to move away from his touch but his hand remained comfortably within reach.

“It’s too early,” I said as I rolled my body in the opposite direction without success. 

He said something about how my body was so ready for this, based on my arousal that I didn’t feel. He wanted me to stay still so I kept still for a moment. Maybe I could escape in my mind; maybe then it would stop? I wondered if the best way to get out of this situation was to let it happen and escape as soon as it stopped.

No, this is so unpleasant.  

I tried to move away from his hand again and wriggled in two different directions. “It’s too early for this,” I tried once more. “I’m tired.”

His attention moved to his penis and he put my hand on it.

“It’s definitely too early for this,” I said resolutely and his hand continued to rub against my clit instead.

I tried to tune into it for a moment, thinking: maybe I can enjoy this? Is this what people are supposed to do? Sometimes I like to be touched? Maybe I can try and enjoy this too? But it didn’t feel right and I didn’t want to be touched. I tried to move away again and complained that this wasn’t the right time.

He said some things along the lines of how he could tell I was uncomfortable and that he was enjoying it all the more. “You don’t need to enjoy it as long as I do and I am enjoying this very much.”

My thoughts accelerated into free fall. What do you mean I don’t have to enjoy it as long as you do? Yes, I like it when I make people happy in service of them – sometimes specifically when I don’t like to do something, but that’s when it’s been clearly negotiated, mainly with my Mistress. We never talked about doing anything like this?! 

He continued to say things on that same note and for every new line, I began to feel my mind drift away while feelings of sadness and desperation mixed with each other.

Then a sense of anger seeped its way in, allowing me to force my mind back into my body. I tried to think of the best way to get out of this situation. I began to object quietly with little response, then finally, sternly said: “I can’t come. I’m way too sensitive.”

This seemed enough to make him stop; we separated and just laid there for a while. I felt somewhat paralysed; knowing I wanted to leave but feeling unsure of how. I thought of knocking on a friend’s door to ask for a lift to the train station but it dawned on me that I would then have to explain the situation. What if they thought I had simply made it up? Or what if this was really my fault? Should I have been clearer in saying no?

It felt like we laid there for over an hour, while thoughts and feelings of guilt nestled itself in my chest. I thought of my Mistress and how this situation may have been fine if it had been the two of us instead.

My Mistress and I have often had conversations about the parameters of our dynamic, what we are into, what certain things mean and where our relationship might be going. For all intents and purposes, I have given my Mistress blanket rule consent to play with me when she wants to, and as part of that, to touch me when she pleases.

However, even when we have a scene she tends to check in with me beforehand; she will give me the choice whether I want to know what’s going to happen so I can decide whether I want to do this or not, or whether I like to join her in this experience without specifically knowing what is going to go down.

Nearer to the start of our dynamic, the first few times she checked in with me like this, I thought it was a bit silly: Why are you checking in with me? You don’t have to ask, I’ve already given you consent. 

But I have really come to appreciate the value of checking in now, as I didn’t realise how much the negative values from my dynamic with the catfish stuck, and how much I needed to learn the meaning of consent too, so that I can stand up for myself.

At first, after he touched me unconsensually, I thought that maybe it was my fault. I went to bed with him and stayed overnight. I did something sexual with him previously so maybe that gave him the wrong idea. I like to please people so maybe he thought that’s just what I like to do. I should have said no clearly from the very start.

But as I started following these thoughts, a part of me felt like this was all wrong. I never consented to being touched in the morning while barely just waking up. He never asked me if I wanted to have sex and had only ever said he wished I would stay over so I could help him sleep.

If my Mistress had touched me cause she felt like it it would have been fine. But the only reason that’s fine is because we have talked about it and I have given her consent to take those liberties within our agreed dynamic.

He and I are not in a dynamic and we have never talked about this.

I realised that I was not at fault and that it was him who crossed my boundaries. And while I felt angry, disappointed and despair, I simultaneously felt intense gratitude for my Mistress for showing me what consent means.

22 Replies to “Missing Consent”

  1. Pingback: ป้ายโคราช

  2. Pingback: Buy Botox Online In Canada

  3. Pingback: buy identity card online

  4. Pingback: สล็อตเครดิตฟรี

  5. Pingback: witty

  6. Pingback: ba14uc

  7. temp mail

    Wow, wonderful blog layout! How long have you been blogging for? you make blogging look easy. The overall look of your site is great, as well as the content!

    Reply
  8. Puravive Benefits

    I just could not depart your web site prior to suggesting that I really loved the usual info an individual supply in your visitors Is gonna be back regularly to check up on new posts

    Reply
  9. BusinessVise

    What i do not understood is in truth how you are not actually a lot more smartlyliked than you may be now You are very intelligent You realize therefore significantly in the case of this topic produced me individually imagine it from numerous numerous angles Its like men and women dont seem to be fascinated until it is one thing to do with Woman gaga Your own stuffs nice All the time care for it up

    Reply
  10. FeedNotess

    Somebody essentially lend a hand to make significantly posts I might state That is the very first time I frequented your web page and up to now I surprised with the research you made to create this particular put up amazing Excellent job

    Reply
  11. Witrrone

    Hi i think that i saw you visited my web site thus i came to Return the favore Im attempting to find things to enhance my siteI suppose its ok to use a few of your ideas

    Reply
  12. BreakReloadd

    Its like you read my mind You appear to know so much about this like you wrote the book in it or something I think that you can do with a few pics to drive the message home a little bit but other than that this is fantastic blog A great read Ill certainly be back

    Reply
  13. Glucorelief

    Hi Neat post Theres an issue together with your web site in internet explorer may test this IE still is the marketplace chief and a good component of people will pass over your fantastic writing due to this problem

    Reply
  14. Pingback: ย่างบนเตา

  15. qweqtttt

    certainly like your website but you need to take a look at the spelling on quite a few of your posts Many of them are rife with spelling problems and I find it very troublesome to inform the reality nevertheless I will definitely come back again

    Reply
  16. Pingback: slot

  17. Pingback: เลสิค

  18. Pingback: เช่ารถตู้พร้อมคนขับ

  19. itsrider

    I have been browsing online more than three hours today yet I never found any interesting article like yours It is pretty worth enough for me In my view if all website owners and bloggers made good content as you did the internet will be a lot more useful than ever before

    Reply
  20. Pingback: ฉลากสินค้า

Leave a Reply