I graduated from my undergraduate degree at the end of last year and had applied to several different masters spread around the country. One of the masters I had applied for (and for which I had an interview and was accepted first) was located in the same city that Miss Lois lived in. By that time we hadn’t really started training very intensely yet, but we had already been talking for almost six to eight months. I hadn’t applied to this specific master for the location, but once I got accepted the thought that it was in the city where Miss Lois lived immediately crossed my mind.
However, the master I had been accepted to wasn’t the master I had initially applied for. I was not accepted in the one that I’d applied for, but they thought I fit better in this other master for which I then had an interview. The interview went really well and got me quite excited about the master. Through, the content wasn’t exactly what I thought I was after, although it did tick half of my boxes.
I talked to her about potentially moving there. She mostly thought it’d be a great idea because I could get more involved in the scene that way (as she lived in a bigger city than I currently did). But she didn’t encourage me to come there for her.
The way our dynamic had always worked was online, and for the time being, she liked to keep it that way. This was because she didn’t want me to attach myself to her. She wanted me to find my slave-nature from within myself, and not only from a desire to serve her specifically. Additionally, she was very aware that her job might cause her to move abroad one day, and if that were to happen our dynamic couldn’t continue. Therefore she was afraid that if we were to have a session in real life, I would become so deeply involved in our dynamic that if this were to suddenly break afterwards, I wouldn’t be able to cope.
Because of this, I decided to listen to what I truly wanted from my education. While I completely agree that it might have been better to move to the bigger city in terms of getting closer to the scene, I felt like I had to stay true to the reason why I had started studying, to begin with. Additionally, the other two masters offered way more than this one did and could be much better for future jobs.
Still, it then took two more months before I got a confirmed acceptance elsewhere and another rejection from the university. It still took some thinking and discussion with friends etc. to figure out which one was the best for me, but I decided to go to this university quite far up north.
Summer came and my training developed quite quickly and our dynamic became more intense. At some point, she asked me what decision I’d finally made (as I hadn’t actually told her) and I said I’d chosen for x-university. It felt like she asked because she might have been interested in meeting up (although if she were to read this she might be like: haha, no, that was definitely imagined by you). But she said that she was proud of me.
In reality, if our relationship had developed enough by then, and she would have wanted it too, I would have chosen to go to the university in her city (and the master would have been fine. I mean, how much do these masters really matter? or degrees, really? It’s not going to help me get a job. The only reason I’m doing them is that I enjoy studying and developing my mind).
So once I started my master my training developed, as well as our dynamic. I started feeling completely at ease with my slave-nature, and over time I realised that being a slave gave me purpose. For all my life I’ve been trying to find purpose. I’ve sought it in following my dreams (by doing the education I wanted, rather than what people would have liked me to do), by creating a happy environment for myself to live in and doing the things I love, but none of these things, while they do feel right, made me feel like I had purpose. Being a slave has given me that, and so rather than moving somewhere for a job etc. I’d rather move somewhere for a Mistress because that’s what truly makes me happy and gives me peace. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to have a job and friends and all that. It just means that being with my Mistress is the most important thing to me.
Now, a little while ago, Miss Lois told me that she had to move to another country for her job. It had her think about what to do for a while. She didn’t have the time to train anyone anymore. Not to mention how timezones might become a problem, I guess. Therefore she thought it would be best to let me go and I guess it is best… in a way.
However, hurt as I was (not by her, but by the end of this dynamic), I couldn’t help but think there couldn’t have been another way. I felt like I would’ve just moved with her (and gone back for those 2 times 10 weeks that I need to be at university each year). But of course, it’s not just my willingness that played a role. She had always been busy with her job, but this new move and position seemed to be even busier. And of course, we hadn’t met yet either. Which made me wonder if maybe things had been different if I had done the master in the city where she lived. What if… what if… what if…
Of course, I feel sad about how our dynamic ended. It was very strange to go from having all these rules and this person always being there in the back of my mind, to going to no rules and being without her all of a sudden. I’m sure you can all imagine how painful and confusing that is. It made me feel like I didn’t care anymore. Like I just wanted to be used by whoever, not caring about how I’d feel.
I miss not being owned. I struggle to feel like I have a purpose. I don’t feel as happy as I used to. In a way, I don’t quite know what to do with myself.
On the other hand, it’s nice to meet new people. And I gained a lot of confidence and development from the dynamic with Miss Lois. But until I’m owned again, I don’t think I’ll feel at peace.
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