A few weeks back, I tried acid for the first time as I went candy flipping with a few friends. I have tried different substances and find the different effects fascinating, so felt naturally curious about acid too. Whereas in the past I was afraid of having a negative response, nowadays I feel like it couldn’t possibly be worse than having to hold out during a depressive episode so it doesn’t feel risky in the slightest.
We were having a fancy 3-course meal in the dining room and took the substance just before our starter. For unrelated reasons, I was feeling really anxious in the hour leading up to it and as it turns out, acid doesn’t make anxiety any better.
Four hours before dinner, Bella and I wrote the names of the guests on little papers to assign everyone a seat. I told her that Roxy disliked my handwriting so she gave me Roxy’s to write. Then as a joke, she crossed out Roxy’s name and rewrote it in her own handwriting, remarking Roxy would find it funny.
At the actual dinner table, Roxy looked at her name card and said something like: “Oh look, someone wrote my name really ugly and then someone else crossed it out to make it better.”
Oh great! I thought. And Bella’s not even on this side of the table to enjoy her little victory. Just great!
Naomi chimed in as she was sitting next to Roxy. Apparently, I had written her name wrong too. I pleaded with her from across the table but instead, I became the running joke. At any other time, this would have been quite funny. Unfortunately, I was on acid and this spiked my anxiety to the point I had to look away and swallow my tears. (How dramatic.)
The Baron had been noticing my anxiety from the other side of the table and while I was trying to convince myself I was ok, I finally had to admit I wasn’t. I went to him and he took me to the hallway where we sat down. I think I cried because I had started to feel like I shouldn’t be around and he reassured me that I was wanted and perfectly fine exactly as I was. At that moment he pretty much said all the right things I needed to hear.
When we were back to laughing instead of crying, he told me about a needle play idea he has. He pretty much sold it like, “I have to check with you because it’s so extreme that I can’t surprise you and need your consent.” And I thought: That sounds so intense, I’m scared and so into it, I want to experience that! But said, a little worried: “I think we need to talk to Bella and Roxy first.” By which point Bella magically appeared and smiled.
The Baron gave me nose spray for my anxiety, but I mentioned that I wasn’t sure if this would be useful. I felt like I simply needed to play, as that would ground me but he advised me to take it anyway. I took it to Roxy, who asked me if I was okay and she gave me her partner’s seat so I could stay next to her. I showed her the spray and she presumed I had already taken it but I said: “No, I don’t know if I should, I wanted to check with you.”
“Yes, take it,” she said, a little impatiently almost.
I sprayed it up my nose and it wasn’t as unpleasant as The Baron had made it out to be. Roxy’s partner joined us and we started a conversation. He said that he was feeling bad for me as he recalled what his first trip on acid was like, which didn’t really help me. I tried to explain myself to him but didn’t get very far, as speaking had become a little difficult and I felt very self-aware of it. I couldn’t tell if I was currently anxious because I had already been anxious or if the acid was making me so. I didn’t feel like I was having a mind-altering experience that was scaring me. I remember Bella saying something about the colours in the room getting more vibrant, but that didn’t really happen for me. In the meantime, all the other people seemed to have left and it was just us three in the dining room, while dessert hadn’t even been served.
Roxy tried to change the topic of our conversation, aware that my anxiety was getting worse but her concern sent me down another thought spiral. I worried that she was disappointed in me for taking acid and freaking out over it. She looked at me, a little unsure of what to do.
“You’re thinking: oh god, what has she got herself into now,” I said.
“Yes,” she replied matter-of-factly.
I momentarily felt like a sinking ship. Then somehow I managed to talk myself out of it, as voicing my concerns and her honest response made things better. Even if she was thinking it, she didn’t appear to be writing me off because of it.
We left the room once the desserts had come though I didn’t eat mine. Roxy and her partner were going to perform a fire show and so everyone gathered outside. (FYI, the two of them had not taken acid.)
I managed to get my coat and sat down in a random chair within the crowd outside. In front of me, someone was smoking and they asked me if it bothered me. I shook my head even though I hate inhaling smoke. Acid had changed my experience and it seemed simpler to say no as words felt a bit complicated. Everything felt a little unreal by that point.
The fire show was incredible and I tried my best to focus on it as much as I could. I’m guessing acid makes lights seem more vibrant, which made the show aspect disappear while the pretty light remained. I’d never seen Roxy or Icarus perform in real life and it was great to hear the crowd’s response.
Simultaneously, I was too aware of all the other people and their feelings around me. I tried to ignore them by watching the lights but it felt impossible to do. After the show when I went back inside, my anxiety had started pushing me further over the edge.
I ended up getting back to Naomi and Kima who I’d been missing all throughout the fire show. People kept asking me how I was feeling and I couldn’t tell them. I started to feel like my answers weren’t good enough and I felt like I had to get away. I left in a sprint and headed for the toilet on the top floor. I disappeared around the corner before someone could call me back.
On the toilet, I looked at the dark red floor of the toilet cubicle and spinning mandolas appeared. That’s interesting, I thought. I tried to turn them off and they disappeared. I turned them back on for a moment and then off once more. I vaguely recalled once hearing that it’s possible to control your surroundings.
I exited the toilet and Naomi was waiting for me at the top of the stairs.
“You just went to the toilet,” she said.
“I wasn’t sure because you ran away without saying anything and I thought you might have just gone to the toilet but I wanted to check.”
“Sorry, yes, I just needed the toilet.” I think. I might have also been running away. I guess it was a combination of both. But I’m fine, promise! Or I’m trying to be!
I felt really quite touched that she had come looking for me so immediately. I would have been okay because I know how to survive but there she was, my friend, looking out for me at the moment I needed it the most. I felt really grateful and happy that she was there. We sat down at the top of the stairs and just a moment later Kima joined us too.
“I didn’t realise this was your first acid experience,” Kima said.
I started realising that I was able to feel everyone’s emotions. I knew where everyone was in the house at any given time and could hear the little things they did, like picking up a coat or opening the door outside. Generally, I recognise people based on the sound of their footsteps if I know them well enough, but on acid, it was even easier to distinguish between people.
I don’t quite remember what the three of us talked about but I was very comforted by their presence. While I was definitely not having a good time and wondering how I could break out of this to make something out of the night, sitting on the stairs with them was one of my favourite moments.
When I’m anxious, I’m mostly afraid that I’m disappointing people and shouldn’t be around. As a result, I struggle to be close to people as I feel like I should disappear. Therefore I can’t imagine hugging anyone, because I feel like they’ll be touching something dirty if they do. But after sitting there for a while, I started feeling closer to them and wanted to express how much it meant to me; I could almost imagine giving them a hug again.
I heard Roxy coming before she even set foot on the first stair 2 levels below. I don’t know how but I knew she was looking for me and felt both touched and apprehensive over the fact that she’d have to see me.
“There you are. I just wanted to make sure you were okay but your friends are here so I guess I’m not needed.”
She only made the slightest movement to head back downstairs and immediately Naomi jumped up. “I think I suddenly have to go!”
“Wait, no, you don’t have to-” I tried but she ran down the hallway and disappeared.
Roxy and Kima said something to each other and I tried to rejoin the conversation. A minute or two later Kima got up, remarking how she thought Naomi would have come back and that she was going to look for her. Roxy suggested it was time for me to change into my other outfit (the kinky one, not the fancy dinner one) and said to meet her downstairs.
My room was right next to the staircase so I didn’t have to go very far. As I entered the room and looked at the clothes scattered on my bed I realised I should have put my outfit out prior to taking acid.
Okay Mila, calm down just take it slowly. Where did you store your kinky outfits? Not on the bed- that’s from earlier today, go to the top drawer instead. Right, yes.
I moved to the other side of the room to open the drawer and looked at the pile of clothes. Mind you, it had all been organised. Tops were on the left, skirts underneath, trousers on the right and lingerie somewhere in the middle. It was just that on acid, it was hard to remember, but I eventually managed to get what I needed.
I put the clothes down on the table and walked around in a circle twice. Calm down Mila, just take your time. Don’t take too much time though, this has been taking you ages, how difficult is it to change your clothes?! Okay, just breathe, you can do this.
I started taking off my clothes and folded each item before putting it in a neat pile.
Oh my god, I can’t believe you’re putting your clothes in a neat pile. I mean, I know Roxy tells you to do that normally but she really wouldn’t have cared right now and who is going to see? Just you!
Finally, I managed to put my outfit on and left my room. At the top of the stairs, I could hear Kima and Naomi on the second floor, while Roxy was maybe almost downstairs. I heard The Baron talking and somewhere in the whisper of voices, I thought my name came up again.
Right, I can’t go down this staircase and have everyone looking at me with worrying eyes. Luckily, the manor has two routes downstairs and I knew exactly how to get past everyone without being seen. When I walked into the downstairs lounge as everyone only just got to the bottom of the final staircase, they looked at me like: where did you come from?!
“I’m okay,” I said.
Roxy took me with her to the ballroom which was very quiet. She sat down and played me a little bit of the piano. I remember being able to tune into the sound of the piano so much more than usual. It was beautiful to listen to, almost as if I was hearing music for the first time. Yet I couldn’t keep my focus with it as I kept being aware of the other people in the room. After a little while, we went over to the sofa’s and Roxy put some music on. She tried to encourage me to dance but I felt so incredibly anxious. On a good day, dancing terrifies me, but on acid, it was even worse.
I tried to keep up, thinking that I shouldn’t ruin the moment or my chance to let go for once but it was no use. I touched her arm to indicate I wanted to say something.
“I need to play. You don’t have to if you don’t want to but I need to play.”
She seemed a little taken by surprise but quickly recovered. “Mila, it’s not that I don’t want to. I just need to get some things, okay?”
Because of how she phrased it I knew it was okay. She left to get her toy bag and in the meantime, I joined Daitcho and Bella for a moment. He showed me how to do a certain tie but I wasn’t in the right mindset to attempt it. When Roxy came back, she told me to undress and get down on all fours near the fire.
I’m not sure what she used on me because she also told me to close my eyes. I’m guessing she used her flogger on me and also included the violet wand. Earlier that night I had asked The Baron if being on Acid would make me unable to feel sensations as much and he told me they would be strengthened. Yet, somehow, I didn’t seem faced by the pain Roxy was unleashing on me. As a matter of fact, it had never been so easy to take pain at all.
Every shock of the violet wand and every hit with her flogger seemed to wash over me like a gentle wave on a sunny day. I forced myself to focus and tune back into the sensations. I wanted to feel the pain. Yet, all I could hear were the people around me and the pain was by far not intense enough.
After that felt like about 15 minutes (though I am definitely the most unreliable source to confirm that) Roxy stopped and said she needed a little break for now.
I opened my eyes to a spinning ballroom as I readjusted to the light and size of the room.
“Do you feel any better?” Roxy asked.
“Yes,” I said rather questioningly. In theory, I thought I should be feeling better and I did feel a little better during, I think?
Neither of us was very convinced. After a little aftercare, she went outside and I ended up in the hallway with random people who were rather loud.
I started pacing up and down and was getting more and more frustrated with myself. I need to just play. I need to disappear in a scene and that’ll ground me. Where am I going to be able to play?
I felt a little guilty somehow. I wanted to be ready to play with Roxy as I’m sure we would again but I couldn’t wait that long. I decided to step past my anxiety and finally ask Daitcho if they wanted to tie right now and they agreed.
To be continued… the post continues here.