When I saw all these posts about faking orgasms come by I was immediately inspired to write my own. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time that week/thought I’d already missed the deadline for the prompt so I am thrilled that Food 4 Thought has a catch-up week and I can write my post on faking orgasms now!
There are two instances in which I faked an orgasm, though the first one I’ll talk about might seem a little strange. When I was around seventeen years old, one of my internet friends suggested I try touching myself. She was very sex-positive, open and understanding and I felt safe talking to her and asking her questions about sexuality and other sex-related things. She was the first person I really talked to these things about. “Touch myself?” I said, “How do you… do that?” That’s the level of sexual awareness I was at. And you know, it would help if we had better sex education in schools rather than only learning how to put a condom on a penis.
First Faked Orgasm
My friends answer to how one touches oneself was that I should just try something out so two nights later, here I was in my bed with my pyjama bottoms only ever so slightly pulled down. I looked at my vagina and slightly touched it. ‘Okay…’ I thought… ‘So… I guess I need to just move my finger up and down?’ My hand listened to my thoughts. I stroked over my clit and felt some wetness in the area after a while. I kept on moving my fingers very slowly and gently all the while my glance shifted across different spots of my ceiling. ‘Am I doing it right? Why are people so into this?’ I thought. I didn’t get it. It didn’t feel bad but it also didn’t feel good. It was just neutral. Nothing interesting, really. I reported back to my friend.
She suggested I should buy a vibrator; a cheap one just to try it out. She was over the moon with hers and I bought the blue version of the same type. I still own it though I never use it anymore.
I held the vibrator in my hand and looked at it with one eyebrow raised. ‘Great… so I need to insert you… right?’ Well, this is when I learned that insertion was definitely not my thing. I tried inserting my finger for a few nights in a row and then slipped the vibrator inside with quite a lot of pain. Though, I felt happy. ‘Now I can see what she’s on about!’ Well… turning the vibrator on while it was inside of me was a terrible idea. Within seconds it hurt so much more. I turned it off and pulled it out, which caused me a new shock of pain. My vagina throbbed painfully and I felt gross, though I didn’t tell my friend. Instead, I asked her another question.
Me: “How do you know if you’ve orgasmed?”
My friend: “You’ll know.”
Me: “But how will I know?”
My friend: “You’ll know.”
As you can imagine, her answer wasn’t very helpful. What did she mean you’ll know? What if I wouldn’t know? How could I know since I’d never felt the feeling before? And what if I couldn’t orgasm at all?
I went back to just using my fingers but I just really couldn’t seem to care about touching myself; I didn’t really feel much. I didn’t understand and couldn’t comprehend what an orgasm was supposed to be and why people liked it so much. In the end, I might or might not have had an orgasm. I felt a slightly different feeling that I’d never felt before at one point, but it also wasn’t a very strong feeling. It felt like I could have easily made this feeling up, simply because I wanted it so badly to get it over with.
When I reported back to my friend I told her I’d had one and that she’d been right; It was great. I told her I was going to have another one later that day. An array of worrying thoughts raced through my mind. Why didn’t I like touching myself? Why didn’t anything happen when I was touching myself? Was I this bad at self-pleasure? What if I was asexual? I decided to try and mention anything sex-related and orgasms as little as I could. If it was mentioned I lied. I faked my orgasms though I was never in the presence of another person.
Second Fake Orgasm
About two or three years later I started falling in love with another girl who appeared to be falling in love with me too. There was just one thing though… sex. Neither of us had done it with a girl before, though at the very least she’d had sex in the past whereas I was still a virgin. And a virgin that had been unsuccessful in providing herself self-pleasure. (By then, I had at the very least figured out how to have an orgasm and I knew what it felt like, I just still didn’t care much for them.) On the first night that we had sex, I took the lead. I started touching her and relied on the theoretical knowledge I had of what should lead to a good orgasm. In the past, I’d even signed up for one of those sex-positive how to give women great orgasms sites, so I knew that circling the clit could be nice. It worked, then it was my turn.
She asked me for directions, of course. I had done the same when I was touching her. I knew where she had to go and what she should do in order to get me there but when it got to there I again wasn’t sure if I’d truly orgasmed or not. I told her it was good though and we kissed and cuddled afterwards. It’s what I enjoyed the most.
Sex did get better after that. We tried had several nights in a row in which we tried touching each other and on the fifth night I’d exactly figured out what would bring her a great orgasm. She said it was so much better than when she’d had sex with her male ex, hehe. But as for me, it was kind of difficult to get there because she didn’t seem to be able to figure out what gave me an orgasm. She tried, but she didn’t or couldn’t listen; she was too insecure. In the end, I stopped giving directions and she didn’t really ask for them anymore. She tried the same thing over and over and because she felt so insecure, I sometimes told her I’d gotten there, though I hadn’t. I suppose that’s really weird because she should have noticed I didn’t, right?
I felt like I was the problem. It was my fault that I couldn’t get to an orgasm and she shouldn’t have to feel insecure just because I was incapable of this. It was only several months later in our relationship that I realised she should be trying harder, in some way. We’d often talked about our individual insecurities and at some point, it felt like she simply didn’t want to try. She felt comfortable where she was and it started reaching a point where she’d try touching me for five minutes, then say she wouldn’t be able to get me there and gave up.
It was then that I decided to stop faking my orgasms and to just give myself the orgasm. I’d first give her one and then myself and somehow, they were a little enjoyable. Certainly compared the ones she’d been trying to give me. I broke up with her just a few weeks before our one-year anniversary. It wasn’t just in the bedroom where she didn’t want to do anything and it started taking a toll on our relationship. I tried communicating as best as I could but it felt like I was speaking to a wall. Perhaps she felt the same way though. Communication is hard!
Since then, I’ve never faked another orgasm. During my time with Miss Lois, it never even crossed my mind though there were quite a few times in which I struggled to reach an orgasm. If you can’t reach orgasm it just means you need to do something different and in order to do something differently, it needs to be acknowledged that it didn’t work out the first time. Honesty means everything in a D/s relationship and honesty means everything if you want to get the pleasure in the bedroom you deserve. We already wear fake masks in our daily lives. Why wear another mask in the bedroom where you should feel most comfortable and get to enjoy all kinds of fun sexual activities.
Post inspired by Food 4 Thought